Bad days geez

Jeff, I'm sorry but I completely forgot what you wanted me to write about. So I guess I'll write about my day?

Today sucked. I felt good this morning, but a friend mentioned the importance of loving yourself before you can move forward. How can I possibly move forward? I can't see any light at the end of my deep dark twisted tunnel. Suicidal ideations keep running through my head. Just the ideas and how it would be easier on everyone and my pain would be over.
The first time I was hospitalized at Hinsdale, I had an awful ER intake MD, who tried to spew a whole lot of religious bull at me. I'm not sure I can believe in a god that makes people suffer this way, why give the "gift of life" to someone who would want to take it away? How bad can hell really be after this? The ER MD had the belief that when you die, nothing happens to your soul. Your body decays in the ground and you are just dead until "the lord rises again" and "resurrects" you. Wouldn't that be wonderful?
I still hate myself. I have no respect for myself, no self-worth. Why do I keep saying how great my mood is at PHP? Why do I keep joking and laughing when I'm in so much pain? It finally broke today. I slept through lunch and then could barely make it through the afternoon groups I felt so awful. Fortunately Lara was there for me and took me for sushi even though she doesn't eat it. Then I came home and got my dad to finally watch Firefly with me. Love that show.
Still feel like shit. It's not even 8:00 and I just took my meds to go to bed. Honestly I can't believe I made it THIS long.
After the whole Rob mess there are about 4 other guys going after me, 1 seems promising, 1 is 30, 1 is 19, and the other has the delusion that he can get me to drive to Maywood for a "booty call." Sorry guys, I was raped about 5 weeks ago, it's going to take a long time to get my trust back in anything, let alone men and relationships. And Rob was just icing on the shit cake that is my life. E-dump? Really? At least I'm not with a guy who dresses like an ogre, green face tusks and all. *shudder*
I just can't focus on anything, let alone anything happy. My memory is SUCKING. One of the nurses at PHP talked to my doctor and they upped my Abilify. Most of them truly are great there and as much as I hate mySELF, I appreciate their concern. I just wish it was Thursday already so I could go to NAMI and be able to talk, or "process," as much as I need to, instead of being in the middle of an issue and being told we have to move on (to people who don't even want to talk, or people who talk all the fucking time). I know there's a time limit, but expecting everyone to get through everything in 50 minutes? Why bother?
Now I'm getting angry and pissed off in addition to hating myself and wanting to sleep forever. Maybe some Aaron Copland or Brahms from Co-Choir will at least alleviate some anxiety as I try to sleep.

Later boners.