These foolish games

Well...let's see.
I used to think I had issues at work just simply with personality clashes...I know I have a huge personality, and most of the time I embrace and love it, and I know a lot of people feel the same.  I learned to let go of resentment or anger over people who didn't like me simply because of who I am, because I know not everyone is going to like everyone.  People are people.  Fallible, flawed people.
Today, however, I found out that it is not just my personality that people take issue with, but the way I have been presenting myself.  That's not the right way to put it....I'm a different person at work than I am at home. I have been declared overbearing, domineering, bossy, annoying, self-righteous, bitch, martyr.
Let me take a step back.  There's a reason why I am two different people between work and personal life.  My personal life is in shambles.  I'm 26, living with my parents in a "broken home," and I hardly have much to be proud of when it comes to achievements and accomplishments.  I have my friends whom I love and who love me back, but I really don't like myself.  It's part of my illness....I don't just have little issues with myself, I go through periods where I LOATHE myself.  A lot of my self-harm has been related to emotional release, but most of it is because I hate myself and I feel that I deserve to be scarred, ugly, and in pain.  I have cut myself, I have even used scissors as you would to cut a piece of paper.  I have scratched my arms and hands raw to the point where I'll have scars for the rest of my life.  Sometimes these scars make me sad, but most of the time they remind me of how much I deserve it.  ((I am speaking in the first-person narrative of my sick mind, not my rational mind.))  Sometimes I'm embarrassed when people see or ask about my scars, but most of the time I wish I could just say "I'm a horrible person and this is nowhere near as much as I deserve."  My personal life is very close to being in shambles.
When I go to work, I pick up as many shifts as allowed so that I can be that person.  Work Julie is confident, bubbly and always smiling.  As my recovery falters, I throw myself into my job as much as possible, and it turns out I took that overboard.  Since our counter manager left, I have been delegated many of her duties, including delegating responsibilities to my fellow coworkers.  I don't let it show, but this makes me very uncomfortable, because in the end, who am I to tell anyone what to do?  I'm in no higher position than anyone else there.  I simply do what I am asked to do....and I do it with conviction.  I don't think anything should be done half-assed, and since I'm not in a position to tell this to others, I do this myself.  I've been given a LOT of responsibility over the last month or so, and I have taken it extremely seriously.  This makes me feel important, and when I am recognized for my work, I feel extremely proud, and it spurs on my conviction.  I'm a diva (duh), and I get upset when I am not recognized, so I'm most certainly not humble when it comes to the work I do.  I do a LOT, and though it should be enough just for me to know it (i.e. having character), it's not, and so I boast about it, and when I've done something really difficult, I act like a martyr about it.  It all comes down to my extreme insecurities about myself and my life and my lack of accomplishments, in my head I HAVE to be recognized for the hard work I do, NO MATTER WHAT.  That's sick Julie, not rational Julie.  Sick Julie pushes me to be the best that I can be, and I'm pretty fucking fantastic at my job, I know this.  It's the fact that I need everyone in the world to also know this, and remind them all the time, that is my fault.  I have hurt and upset some coworkers, one of whom is extremely dear to me, and it kills me to know that I forgot my values and morals and general sense of decency because of the feeling of the "power" that the responsibilities have given me.  Now I've heard, from multiple sources, that many many of my coworkers feel this way.  I can deal with people not liking my personality...but knowing that I have actually done something, even if it was not consciously, to upset people...I hate myself for it.  I'll probably get shit from someone for making this about me, but it IS about me...it's about me and my flaws.  Not only did I take on this leadership role, but I wanted the actual title so badly that I would stop at nothing to prove myself to who, in my sick mind, were the people that mattered.  In actuality, I hurt the person who matters most to me.
I still want this position, and I will still do my best to prove myself.  I just wish someone had brought this to my attention sooner, before I turned into an unstoppable monster.
So, to those of you reading whom I've upset...I'm sorry.  I'm sorry that I put my duty and ambition ahead of your personal feelings.  In the end, it's not the job or the position or the salary that defines who you are, and I lost sight of that.  I am truly sorry for who I've become.  Please bring it to my attention (sooner, not later!) if it happens again.
Just don't ever, EVER confront me ON the sales floor IN FRONT OF my coworkers.  So incredibly rude and unprofessional.