Sunday, April 29, 2012
Saturday, April 28, 2012
I Have Nothing
Good song, rest in peace dear Whitney.
I'm just speechless. Some people...I once again find myself letting how others feel about me determine how I feel about myself. Just can't seem to get it through my head that most people are assholes/bitches and aren't worth my time. Sad :(
“Approval is overrated. Approval and disapproval alike satisfy those who deliver it more than those who receive it.”
“In the lives of children, pumpkins turn into coaches, mice and rats turn into men. When we grow up, we realize it is far more common for men to turn into rats.”
Both quotes courtesy of Gregory Maguire
I'm just speechless. Some people...I once again find myself letting how others feel about me determine how I feel about myself. Just can't seem to get it through my head that most people are assholes/bitches and aren't worth my time. Sad :(
“Approval is overrated. Approval and disapproval alike satisfy those who deliver it more than those who receive it.”
“In the lives of children, pumpkins turn into coaches, mice and rats turn into men. When we grow up, we realize it is far more common for men to turn into rats.”
Both quotes courtesy of Gregory Maguire
Friday, April 27, 2012
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Bipolar 1s Have All the Fun.
I know that's not true. But if I have to have bipolar disorder, why do I have to have bipolar 2? Hypomania SUCKS. It's like having the energy and lack of needing sleep of mania, but you WANT to sleep! Couple that with INTENSE anxiety all day and boom, fun day! Plus hypomania doesn't FEEL good...you can still feel shitty and depressed and anxious and irritable all at the same time. I'm praying this isn't a long episode...I'm supposed to be weaning off of valium but I had to take a full dose tonight, praying it will force my body to sleep.
Still haven't heard from Timberline, which is DEFINITELY a huge part of the anxiety. (Please note, general daily stress is VERY different from an anxiety disorder. Call me when your pulse is 160--resting--and it feels like someone has an iron grip on your lungs.) Then the paranoia and nervous tics set in. I was actually kind of excited that I woke up at 5am, cause I thought well hey, I can watch 3 hours of Will and Grace at 7, then get all showered and pretty, then meet Greg for lunch! No such luck. Thanks mental illness, you're a real peach.
All these symptoms aside, I'm noticing my depression isn't rearing its ugly head too often, so my mind is in a better place to do some serious thinking about myself. While I can't always stop my automatic negative thoughts, I'm able to contradict them; to say Shut up, self, you are NOT worthless, you are NOT (always) annoying, and people DO like you! I guess it's part of the process of relearning to like, and then love, myself. They say you can't help or love anyone else until you help and love yourself. Well, I'm helping myself. And while it might be 3 steps forward 1 step back, day by day I get a little bit closer to believing in myself. I am not a failure, and everything I have set my mind to I have kicked ass at, so take that, depression. Suck it.
I need to love myself. I have so much love for others that I neglect myself. I hate this term but for lack of better words, I have a "crush," or "feelings for" someone, and I can't devote myself to anyone while neglecting myself. I can't depend on others to boost my mood, feed my ego and determine my self worth. That is MY job. Recovery is possible, but no one said it was fast or easy (or cheap). As long as I have support along the way, I truly believe I will get to where I want to be. No, there is no cure, but there is manageability and recovery. I like to imagine Rob Schneider in The Water Boy cheering me on. YOU CAN DO EET!
On that note of positive self-talk, I'm going to go attempt sleep. I have a range of things that need to be done tomorrow, most of which I'm not looking forward to...but hopefully I'll make it out to get my bushly eyebrows taken care of FINALLY!
Good night moon.
Still haven't heard from Timberline, which is DEFINITELY a huge part of the anxiety. (Please note, general daily stress is VERY different from an anxiety disorder. Call me when your pulse is 160--resting--and it feels like someone has an iron grip on your lungs.) Then the paranoia and nervous tics set in. I was actually kind of excited that I woke up at 5am, cause I thought well hey, I can watch 3 hours of Will and Grace at 7, then get all showered and pretty, then meet Greg for lunch! No such luck. Thanks mental illness, you're a real peach.
All these symptoms aside, I'm noticing my depression isn't rearing its ugly head too often, so my mind is in a better place to do some serious thinking about myself. While I can't always stop my automatic negative thoughts, I'm able to contradict them; to say Shut up, self, you are NOT worthless, you are NOT (always) annoying, and people DO like you! I guess it's part of the process of relearning to like, and then love, myself. They say you can't help or love anyone else until you help and love yourself. Well, I'm helping myself. And while it might be 3 steps forward 1 step back, day by day I get a little bit closer to believing in myself. I am not a failure, and everything I have set my mind to I have kicked ass at, so take that, depression. Suck it.
I need to love myself. I have so much love for others that I neglect myself. I hate this term but for lack of better words, I have a "crush," or "feelings for" someone, and I can't devote myself to anyone while neglecting myself. I can't depend on others to boost my mood, feed my ego and determine my self worth. That is MY job. Recovery is possible, but no one said it was fast or easy (or cheap). As long as I have support along the way, I truly believe I will get to where I want to be. No, there is no cure, but there is manageability and recovery. I like to imagine Rob Schneider in The Water Boy cheering me on. YOU CAN DO EET!
On that note of positive self-talk, I'm going to go attempt sleep. I have a range of things that need to be done tomorrow, most of which I'm not looking forward to...but hopefully I'll make it out to get my bushly eyebrows taken care of FINALLY!
Good night moon.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Drip Drip Drop Little April Shower
Well, I shouldn't write about having nothing to do all day or night...ended up making a 3-hour round-trip drive to Rockford! 88 is scary and dark at night.
Had a do-over today. Lots of fun, minus some mood swings (and actually not from me!) and negativity. BUT good times with good friends nonetheless. Thought one person might have been a little nicer since I rescued his love last night, but oh well, this is how things go.
My little group has such an interesting dynamic; such different personalities and outlooks. Makes for interesting interactions. This little group makes me truly appreciative of the few pure, genuine gentlemen of the world. There aren't enough. There are men who can be gentlemen when a situation requires it, and then there are men for whom it is simply second nature. Kudos.
Off to bed now...hoping I don't turn my alarm off in my sleep (again) and can get to Honda of Lisle nice n early for an oil change and to figure out why my car sounds like it's going to explode. And I just ran out of wiper fluid, so it's another sign from the universe sent especially for me. "GET YOUR FUCKING OIL CHANGED. Love, Universe. Hopefully I can be well rested and get shtuff DONE, including harrassing TK again about when the eff I'm going to their silly program. Maybe I can sneak some fun into the day too, liiiiiike Hunger Games with Sarita?? I hope so. We shall see :)
Good night Loverfaces.
Had a do-over today. Lots of fun, minus some mood swings (and actually not from me!) and negativity. BUT good times with good friends nonetheless. Thought one person might have been a little nicer since I rescued his love last night, but oh well, this is how things go.
My little group has such an interesting dynamic; such different personalities and outlooks. Makes for interesting interactions. This little group makes me truly appreciative of the few pure, genuine gentlemen of the world. There aren't enough. There are men who can be gentlemen when a situation requires it, and then there are men for whom it is simply second nature. Kudos.
Off to bed now...hoping I don't turn my alarm off in my sleep (again) and can get to Honda of Lisle nice n early for an oil change and to figure out why my car sounds like it's going to explode. And I just ran out of wiper fluid, so it's another sign from the universe sent especially for me. "GET YOUR FUCKING OIL CHANGED. Love, Universe. Hopefully I can be well rested and get shtuff DONE, including harrassing TK again about when the eff I'm going to their silly program. Maybe I can sneak some fun into the day too, liiiiiike Hunger Games with Sarita?? I hope so. We shall see :)
Good night Loverfaces.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Uh oh
So I have NOTHING to do all day and night....idle time is when my mind goes to bad places. I wish I could go see The Hunger Games.
Friday, April 20, 2012
4/20
Also, bragging about or "celebrating" 4/20 is stupid. We get it, you get higher today than any other day. Congratulations, your future looks just so bright. Shut up about it. The rest of us will just have to think about Hitler and Columbine.
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