It's a Pity Party and You're Not Invited

It's certainly been a while since I logged on here.  I'd like to say it's mostly because my internet connection sucks, but anyone in the sick/recovery community knows that's just a convenient way to avoid the truth of my emotions.
In recovery, we know that there are bound to be ups and downs; and with my disorders, they can vary greatly in intensity.  Lately, I have been down.  I have been intensely down.  Any time I try to talk to someone outside of "the community," I am always asked the same question: "What happened?"  Here's the answer: Why does that matter?  Not every mood swing or cycle is brought on by an event.  A better question would be, "What's been going on?"  I'll tell you what's been going on.

**I have written and deleted this paragraph 3 times.  Let's try again with the present.**

And I did it again.  I'm losing the motivation to even write this.  I'll try. No promises.

Lately I have been overwhelmed with feelings of worthlessness, uselessness, and self disgust.  I am disgusting, especially physically, and if I were prettier and skinnier, I would be moving up in the world how I expected.  I could type all the ways my brain rationalizes this, but I can already hear the blah blah blahs coming from people looking to debate me.  It doesn't matter how much I know how wrong it is, I've grown up with this belief and it's not going away anytime soon.

I feel completely worthless.  I can't save money, I can't get my shit together, my room is a wreck, my account is negative, I'm stuck in my position at work because every opportunity I find is squashed..  I've simply lost all motivation to change things.  It's useless, I used to be motivated and I used to do new things.  I found a really good gig, and people can't keep their god damn mouths shut, so that was taken from me too.

On the other end of the spectrum, I believe I am WAY TOO GOOD to be doing what I am doing.  I have way too much talent, experience, and so many goals, so many ways I could be helping the world.  But then I am brought back to how worthless I am; how stuck.  I've tried to change it, I really have.  It's not enough.  I have no energy to fight this beast anymore.  No motivation.  Everything I've tried has failed.

I feel like I can't break this cycle without outside intervention (winning the lottery would be nice).

I have more but it's all jumbling in my head now.