Christ on a cracker

I've been watching a lot of Dexter, so my potty mouth is REAL bad.
Now.  I really need to focus on one thing: WHAT IS MY ENDGAME.  If I'm being completely honest, probably 99.9% of my behaviors are some kind of manipulation....a means to an end.  Whether it's attention, love, reassurance, whatever, I don't know.  I'm the most manipulative person I know and if I just came clean about everything I'd probably have a much better life.
So I'm pushing everyone away.  My Liz and my Mooney and my Darby are not here with me, and so do I push them away A.) Because it's too hard to cope with them not being in my immediate vicinity, B.) Because I don't want to burden their lives with my own, or C.) I want to look more helpless than I am to receive more attention and affection?  What the fuck is wrong with me?
Why do I text my therapist in the middle of an episode, about drinking and wanting to find random hookups and how awful I am, and then push away when I don't get the response I want?  What response DO I even want??  I wonder if I have some kind of male-superhero complex going on.  My therapist saved me from the pits of my deepest hell last year, and now I'm expecting him to swoop in and make me feel better every time I have a bad day?  What am I expecting, what am I DOING, and again, what the fuck is wrong with me?  Liz thinks I should find a new therapist who I can afford to see regularly.  Out of the question.  Out of the FUCKING question.  I've been through a lot of counselors and groups and therapists and only one has worked.  It's like I go for help, then I don't get what I want, so I push away, saying that I'm clearly too much work/stress/a hopeless case.  What the fuck happens if that ever turns out to be true?  What the fuck happens if I ever DO hear those words?  I mean christ even if it's not about me, even if it's a location change or something...I mean fuck!  Panic!  Everything you read about Borderline PD and people like me and whatever will tell you about manipulation.  BUT WHY??  Why do I do it??  What am I hoping to achieve?  Maybe I'm just waiting for one little thing to get worse, to push me over the edge.
I'm confused and lost and so depressed and really fucking scared! Why am I not any better?  Am I ever going to BE better?  How do I function in life, and if this is how it is, why would I want to?
I'm having recurring nightmares of being naked but for a blanket in a dark, crowded room.  The room is small, square, windowless. One door, and the only light is coming from the lit up exit sign above it.  Everyone is in dark gray body suits, so there are no genders, no colors, no differentiation.  And everyone is just bumping into everyone else, like people are pushing and shoving but not so hard, just enough to knock me off my balance and keep turning me away from the door, and every time I turn my head it seems farther away. The room isn't loud, but it's buzzing with the sounds of people talking in dull roars...like the train or something, hushed voices, phone calls, ringing.  And I don't know why I'm there, all I know is I keep ending up farther from the exit, and every time I notice, I panic more and more, until I fall over, which is when I wake up sweating and shaking, typically with my blankets all over the place.  My hands and arms are sore and bruised which tells me that I've been thrashing a lot, in addition to my own bruising.
Fuckshit.