And dreams were made and used and wasted

I know now, at age 26, that when my life starts sounding like "I Dreamed a Dream," it's time to rethink some things.

"I had a dream my life would be so different from this hell I'm living"
--WAY too dramatic, considering Fantine was singing about how she had to resort to prostitution and selling her hair and teeth to pay for her bastard child's health....but damn, I sure didn't dream of feeling like this every day.  At work I am made to feel useless, worthless, unimportant, stupid, bad at my job...etc.  I know no one can MAKE me feel anything and it's my fault for letting them get to me....but damn, I used to be hot shit.  I used to be important, I used to be Marty's go-to girl, I used to head things up, hold the counter down, and rake in sales like no other.  Now I can only do what I feel I am allowed to do.  I used to be praised for what I did well....now I feel like I only hear about anything I do wrong.

I just feel like shit!  Ugh, plain and simple.  SHIT.  Mud on someone's boots.  STOMP STOMP STOMP.


Worst of all....I'm feeling this way alone.  I'm not saying my misery wants company, or that I want anyone else to feel this way.  What I'm saying is that all the people I leaned on when I felt like this are gone.  It's only been 3 weeks....I can't do this.  Everyone keeps saying call them, they're only a phone call away, etc...it doesn't work that way!  I need to be in the Carthage Cafe playing ERS with Liz and Mooney.  I need to be in Liz's basement, in my car with Mooney, in Darby's dorm room.  True, I get to see Darby in 2 months.  It's going to be great.  But I'm just going to be that much more miserable when I have to come back without her.  I was never into just talking on the phone.  When I need support, I need to go out with my friends, or cry on their shoulders.  I can't just whine and sob my way through a phone call.  I feel like there's a visible chasm between myself and my friends...like they're across a really crowded room and I'm trying to tell them something really important but it's so noisy and chaotic all they can say is "What?  WHAT?"  That's how I'd feel about a phone call.  I need the physical comfort of their hugs.  I feel like nothing.  Worse than nothing.
I am nothing, and I am alone.

Edit to Add:
Just noticed that I hadn't posted since the day after I got back from California in June.  So yeah, that says something.

Cuz it's like you're my mirror

So, got home from seeing Darby in California last night.  It was so hard to leave :(  Some emotional things came up that I kind of want to process.  So, I got Darby hooked on Stargate SG1 (in her words, "WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE TO ME!?" bahahaha) and we were watching an episode (in case you follow....season 1, "Brief Candle.")  And anyway stuff happens and Jack gets to see his dead son again, even though he knows it's not really his son, and I just started crying of course.  Darby said "Wouldn't that just be crueler?"  And it was like this thought process went through my head in a split second, that if you didn't have to watch the person die again....if you just got to spend one or two more hours with them....wouldn't you?  She happens to have a picture of Ariel on her wall, and I fucking LOST IT.  I've avoided talking/thinking about Ariel because I've either been so angry with her or telling myself I'm angry with her because it's easier to deal with.  I just felt empty, that same sense of despair that I felt the day that Janelle called and told me what happened, and it's good I was sitting because when that call came I collapsed.  I've been telling myself I'm angry, even snapping on other people who start to talk about her, because I don't want to feel that pain ever again.  The only other significant losses I've been through were my grandparents, and they both died naturally of very old age, not suddenly.  No one was ever ripped from me the way she was.  I'm angry because it was HER choice to leave.  But mostly I just feel so...damaged.  She was a part of my heart that can never be filled again.  When I use the term "ripped from me," that's what it physically feels like.  Like part of my heart is being wrenched out of my body.  If anyone watches Once Upon a Time, it feels like how it looks when Regina rips people's hearts out.  I hate to throw that petty example in, but it fits.  I had to go in the bathroom and turn on the water and cry for a while.  Maybe it's time to go back into that topic.
Stupid time difference...dear body, we're back in Chicago now.  Deal with it.

Your head is running wild again

I'll post a blog.  I have nothing better to do since I can't sleep because I'm out of my meds >_<

ED has been a big problem lately.  It hit big last night...went out for the Hawks game and I'd like to say I didn't realize how much I was eating but oh I DID.  Afterwards I was like I have to throw up I HAVE TO THROW UP GET IT OUT OF ME NOW.  But I didn't.  And so I cried about it.  I had food/ED nightmares all night.  Then today there was a lot of talk about sizing and people telling me "Oh you'd look so good in this, it's at Forever 21 you should get it!"  And I have to say THEY DON'T HAVE MY SIZE.  NOWHERE YOU SHOP CARRIES MY SIZE.  I am disgusting.  So I just spent about an hour between my ED friends' facebook pages being jealous of their sizes and on my pro-ana site looking through thinspiration pictures.  I looked at a friend's page, a picture of her at her worst, and thought wow, I wish I was on THAT side of ED unhappiness.  Then I thought well, she's back at TK right now, so clearly it's not going well for her.  THEN I thought, I'd LOVE to have to go back to TK because of being deathly thin.  I want the gap.  I want the bones.  I want the hollowness.  Doesn't help that every day at work I have to pass the swimsuits.  Oh hi Michael Kors, I love you but the only thing you make that will ever fit me is a purse!  :(

Someone posted in the TK group, "Choose recovery."  Such a simple statement, and I'm having SO much trouble with it.  I hate that I've been going back for alumni for almost a year now and still haven't had any weight loss to be noticed and admired.  

I don't know what else is going on.  This is just all consuming right now.  Which is how I feel when I eat.  ((bad pun))

Stupid.  So stupid!

Chances are dynamite

You ever start watching a movie or a tv show or reading a book and realize it's the same story line as everything else only with different people and settings?  Story of my fucking life.  Today, I hate myself, and I hate my life, and I hate the way that I chose to deal with my sorry life today.  I've been self harming again.  One cut is too much and 1000 is never enough, right? Fuck. I can't even write any more.  I just hate everything.  I know, all things are passing.  This will not last.  But I am SO. FUCKING. SICK. of people telling me "just don't let it get to you!"  OBVIOUSLY IF I'M TALKING ABOUT IT, IT HAS ALREADY GOTTEN TO ME, AND YOUR SHITSTACK OF SO-CALLED ADVICE IS BULLSHIT AND I WANT TO HIT YOU.  If you can't help me with my problems, then don't give me bullshit like that.  Fucking invalidating as FUCK.  Fuck this.

Oh we had everything

I can't believe myself. Un-fucking-believable.  I have come so far in recovery, and as I said in my speech at TK, one of the greatest lessons I learned was how to detach with love.  I did that.  I detached from about 75% of my life without regret, because I knew it would be the best thing for me in the long run.  Then I went to see a friend's show in the city, a friend from high school.  She was amazing of course as usual as I knew she would be.  I was so SO awesome to see her and hang out with her afterwards.  So then we made plans to go see another friend's show on Saturday night.  We made plans with 3-4 other people from high school, and I got really excited to see them.

Big surprise, everything fell through (aka they're going the night I can't go) and had I not asked someone about the timing of the show, I probably never would have been told.

I'M SORRY, IS IT 2005 AGAIN!?  WHAT THE FUCK!  So ALLLLLLLLL these feelings and memories came just FLOODING to the front of my brain, and yet again, 8 years later, I'm crying for the same reasons.  I have to stop this nonsense.  Now I find myself trying to rearrange my schedule so that I can go with them tomorrow night.  Why?  ONCE AGAIN, I find myself trying to compromise my life, plans, schedule, whatever, so that it could fit THEIR lives.  It's not worth it.  I so so so wish it just could have worked out, but maybe this is a sign from the universe.  Take 2 steps forward, not 8 years back. BIG SIGH.

Like the ceiling can't hold us

See, this is why I should post more often.  I have no clue where to fucking begin.  Life is hard, clearly.

I'm doing fairly well!  What has even happened since Sunday...
I don't remember Monday or Tuesday...I know I slept a lot on Monday, and slept a little late on Tuesday...that's sad that that's all I can remember.  That was also a lot of "thats" for one sentence.
Wednesday I worked most of the day, and then I had a DATE!  Geez I never thought I'd say that, it's only been....10 years since John...oye.  I left straight from work and met Andy at Pinstripes.  I think we planned on doing some bowling or bocce, but we ended up just sitting at the bar for dinner.  Ahi tuna gnocchi--AMAZING.  HIGHLY recommended.  He seems like a cool guy, minus the fact that he's a Packers fan....omg awful.  It was great, a new experience for me.  We're going to go see Jurassic Park soon.  Speaking of, OMG SO EXCITED JURASSIC PARK IS THE BEST I LOVE DINOSAURSSSSSSSSSS.
Okay. That's out of me.
Yesterday I picked up my newly altered dress (holy fuck the wedding is a week from today!) then worked, then passed out.  Today I had to work at 8fuckingAM.  Fucked o'clock, as we used to say in high school.  LONG day.  Then my mom and I had dinner at Irish Legend in Willow Springs.  Our server, Shane, had a mega hot Irish brogue...meltinggggg.  There was a "domestic disturbance" between a couple, so after my Magners and fish n chips we left.  THEN I headed into the city, picked up Mooney, and we found a hookah place, Carthage Cafe, in a super shady neighborhood.  The place looked really cool, we had a private room with couches and stuff, and the hookah was good.  Otherwise....well, not going back there.  We planned to go to the zoo on the Sunday after the wedding, I'm very excited.
I can't remember much more...just too tired.
kbye.

You'll never ever ever cease to be, to be amazing to me

Yeah I've been listening to Todd Tuesday.

Today, I drove Darby to the airport.  I'm not okay with this.  It was really hard to enjoy Easter, even with the great mass this morning and the great dinner this evening, even though Jim and Vicky brought Laika the rocket puppy.  Right when I pulled away from the airport I started sobbing, and definitely got some weird looks from other drivers on Cicero/55.  All day I was just sad.  It felt like my insides were gone, like I was just hollow, feeling this incredible void where my heart should be.  Now, however, I'm panicking.  I'm grateful I found some old valium/klonopin.  Now my insides are back, they just feel like they're made of concrete and weigh 200lbs.  I can't describe the pain in my heart.  It's like it's simultaneously pounding against my ribs and being ripped apart.  I've never been as close to anyone as I am to her; never let anyone in as much as I let her.  Whenever I needed someone, she was there.  She knows my triggers, my symptoms, and the skills that help me most.  With her on the other end of the country now, I'm panicking.

I just realized I'm making it sound like she died.  That's not good.  I just don't know how long it'll take for me to adjust to this.

I'm done.  I can't focus on anything else right now, so this is all.