It's certainly been a while since I logged on here. I'd like to say it's mostly because my internet connection sucks, but anyone in the sick/recovery community knows that's just a convenient way to avoid the truth of my emotions.
In recovery, we know that there are bound to be ups and downs; and with my disorders, they can vary greatly in intensity. Lately, I have been down. I have been intensely down. Any time I try to talk to someone outside of "the community," I am always asked the same question: "What happened?" Here's the answer: Why does that matter? Not every mood swing or cycle is brought on by an event. A better question would be, "What's been going on?" I'll tell you what's been going on.
**I have written and deleted this paragraph 3 times. Let's try again with the present.**
And I did it again. I'm losing the motivation to even write this. I'll try. No promises.
Lately I have been overwhelmed with feelings of worthlessness, uselessness, and self disgust. I am disgusting, especially physically, and if I were prettier and skinnier, I would be moving up in the world how I expected. I could type all the ways my brain rationalizes this, but I can already hear the blah blah blahs coming from people looking to debate me. It doesn't matter how much I know how wrong it is, I've grown up with this belief and it's not going away anytime soon.
I feel completely worthless. I can't save money, I can't get my shit together, my room is a wreck, my account is negative, I'm stuck in my position at work because every opportunity I find is squashed.. I've simply lost all motivation to change things. It's useless, I used to be motivated and I used to do new things. I found a really good gig, and people can't keep their god damn mouths shut, so that was taken from me too.
On the other end of the spectrum, I believe I am WAY TOO GOOD to be doing what I am doing. I have way too much talent, experience, and so many goals, so many ways I could be helping the world. But then I am brought back to how worthless I am; how stuck. I've tried to change it, I really have. It's not enough. I have no energy to fight this beast anymore. No motivation. Everything I've tried has failed.
I feel like I can't break this cycle without outside intervention (winning the lottery would be nice).
I have more but it's all jumbling in my head now.
Friday, March 21, 2014
Monday, September 9, 2013
Christ on a cracker
I've been watching a lot of Dexter, so my potty mouth is REAL bad.
Now. I really need to focus on one thing: WHAT IS MY ENDGAME. If I'm being completely honest, probably 99.9% of my behaviors are some kind of manipulation....a means to an end. Whether it's attention, love, reassurance, whatever, I don't know. I'm the most manipulative person I know and if I just came clean about everything I'd probably have a much better life.
So I'm pushing everyone away. My Liz and my Mooney and my Darby are not here with me, and so do I push them away A.) Because it's too hard to cope with them not being in my immediate vicinity, B.) Because I don't want to burden their lives with my own, or C.) I want to look more helpless than I am to receive more attention and affection? What the fuck is wrong with me?
Why do I text my therapist in the middle of an episode, about drinking and wanting to find random hookups and how awful I am, and then push away when I don't get the response I want? What response DO I even want?? I wonder if I have some kind of male-superhero complex going on. My therapist saved me from the pits of my deepest hell last year, and now I'm expecting him to swoop in and make me feel better every time I have a bad day? What am I expecting, what am I DOING, and again, what the fuck is wrong with me? Liz thinks I should find a new therapist who I can afford to see regularly. Out of the question. Out of the FUCKING question. I've been through a lot of counselors and groups and therapists and only one has worked. It's like I go for help, then I don't get what I want, so I push away, saying that I'm clearly too much work/stress/a hopeless case. What the fuck happens if that ever turns out to be true? What the fuck happens if I ever DO hear those words? I mean christ even if it's not about me, even if it's a location change or something...I mean fuck! Panic! Everything you read about Borderline PD and people like me and whatever will tell you about manipulation. BUT WHY?? Why do I do it?? What am I hoping to achieve? Maybe I'm just waiting for one little thing to get worse, to push me over the edge.
I'm confused and lost and so depressed and really fucking scared! Why am I not any better? Am I ever going to BE better? How do I function in life, and if this is how it is, why would I want to?
I'm having recurring nightmares of being naked but for a blanket in a dark, crowded room. The room is small, square, windowless. One door, and the only light is coming from the lit up exit sign above it. Everyone is in dark gray body suits, so there are no genders, no colors, no differentiation. And everyone is just bumping into everyone else, like people are pushing and shoving but not so hard, just enough to knock me off my balance and keep turning me away from the door, and every time I turn my head it seems farther away. The room isn't loud, but it's buzzing with the sounds of people talking in dull roars...like the train or something, hushed voices, phone calls, ringing. And I don't know why I'm there, all I know is I keep ending up farther from the exit, and every time I notice, I panic more and more, until I fall over, which is when I wake up sweating and shaking, typically with my blankets all over the place. My hands and arms are sore and bruised which tells me that I've been thrashing a lot, in addition to my own bruising.
Fuckshit.
Now. I really need to focus on one thing: WHAT IS MY ENDGAME. If I'm being completely honest, probably 99.9% of my behaviors are some kind of manipulation....a means to an end. Whether it's attention, love, reassurance, whatever, I don't know. I'm the most manipulative person I know and if I just came clean about everything I'd probably have a much better life.
So I'm pushing everyone away. My Liz and my Mooney and my Darby are not here with me, and so do I push them away A.) Because it's too hard to cope with them not being in my immediate vicinity, B.) Because I don't want to burden their lives with my own, or C.) I want to look more helpless than I am to receive more attention and affection? What the fuck is wrong with me?
Why do I text my therapist in the middle of an episode, about drinking and wanting to find random hookups and how awful I am, and then push away when I don't get the response I want? What response DO I even want?? I wonder if I have some kind of male-superhero complex going on. My therapist saved me from the pits of my deepest hell last year, and now I'm expecting him to swoop in and make me feel better every time I have a bad day? What am I expecting, what am I DOING, and again, what the fuck is wrong with me? Liz thinks I should find a new therapist who I can afford to see regularly. Out of the question. Out of the FUCKING question. I've been through a lot of counselors and groups and therapists and only one has worked. It's like I go for help, then I don't get what I want, so I push away, saying that I'm clearly too much work/stress/a hopeless case. What the fuck happens if that ever turns out to be true? What the fuck happens if I ever DO hear those words? I mean christ even if it's not about me, even if it's a location change or something...I mean fuck! Panic! Everything you read about Borderline PD and people like me and whatever will tell you about manipulation. BUT WHY?? Why do I do it?? What am I hoping to achieve? Maybe I'm just waiting for one little thing to get worse, to push me over the edge.
I'm confused and lost and so depressed and really fucking scared! Why am I not any better? Am I ever going to BE better? How do I function in life, and if this is how it is, why would I want to?
I'm having recurring nightmares of being naked but for a blanket in a dark, crowded room. The room is small, square, windowless. One door, and the only light is coming from the lit up exit sign above it. Everyone is in dark gray body suits, so there are no genders, no colors, no differentiation. And everyone is just bumping into everyone else, like people are pushing and shoving but not so hard, just enough to knock me off my balance and keep turning me away from the door, and every time I turn my head it seems farther away. The room isn't loud, but it's buzzing with the sounds of people talking in dull roars...like the train or something, hushed voices, phone calls, ringing. And I don't know why I'm there, all I know is I keep ending up farther from the exit, and every time I notice, I panic more and more, until I fall over, which is when I wake up sweating and shaking, typically with my blankets all over the place. My hands and arms are sore and bruised which tells me that I've been thrashing a lot, in addition to my own bruising.
Fuckshit.
Saturday, August 31, 2013
And dreams were made and used and wasted
I know now, at age 26, that when my life starts sounding like "I Dreamed a Dream," it's time to rethink some things.
"I had a dream my life would be so different from this hell I'm living"
--WAY too dramatic, considering Fantine was singing about how she had to resort to prostitution and selling her hair and teeth to pay for her bastard child's health....but damn, I sure didn't dream of feeling like this every day. At work I am made to feel useless, worthless, unimportant, stupid, bad at my job...etc. I know no one can MAKE me feel anything and it's my fault for letting them get to me....but damn, I used to be hot shit. I used to be important, I used to be Marty's go-to girl, I used to head things up, hold the counter down, and rake in sales like no other. Now I can only do what I feel I am allowed to do. I used to be praised for what I did well....now I feel like I only hear about anything I do wrong.
I just feel like shit! Ugh, plain and simple. SHIT. Mud on someone's boots. STOMP STOMP STOMP.
Worst of all....I'm feeling this way alone. I'm not saying my misery wants company, or that I want anyone else to feel this way. What I'm saying is that all the people I leaned on when I felt like this are gone. It's only been 3 weeks....I can't do this. Everyone keeps saying call them, they're only a phone call away, etc...it doesn't work that way! I need to be in the Carthage Cafe playing ERS with Liz and Mooney. I need to be in Liz's basement, in my car with Mooney, in Darby's dorm room. True, I get to see Darby in 2 months. It's going to be great. But I'm just going to be that much more miserable when I have to come back without her. I was never into just talking on the phone. When I need support, I need to go out with my friends, or cry on their shoulders. I can't just whine and sob my way through a phone call. I feel like there's a visible chasm between myself and my friends...like they're across a really crowded room and I'm trying to tell them something really important but it's so noisy and chaotic all they can say is "What? WHAT?" That's how I'd feel about a phone call. I need the physical comfort of their hugs. I feel like nothing. Worse than nothing.
I am nothing, and I am alone.
Edit to Add:
Just noticed that I hadn't posted since the day after I got back from California in June. So yeah, that says something.
"I had a dream my life would be so different from this hell I'm living"
--WAY too dramatic, considering Fantine was singing about how she had to resort to prostitution and selling her hair and teeth to pay for her bastard child's health....but damn, I sure didn't dream of feeling like this every day. At work I am made to feel useless, worthless, unimportant, stupid, bad at my job...etc. I know no one can MAKE me feel anything and it's my fault for letting them get to me....but damn, I used to be hot shit. I used to be important, I used to be Marty's go-to girl, I used to head things up, hold the counter down, and rake in sales like no other. Now I can only do what I feel I am allowed to do. I used to be praised for what I did well....now I feel like I only hear about anything I do wrong.
I just feel like shit! Ugh, plain and simple. SHIT. Mud on someone's boots. STOMP STOMP STOMP.
Worst of all....I'm feeling this way alone. I'm not saying my misery wants company, or that I want anyone else to feel this way. What I'm saying is that all the people I leaned on when I felt like this are gone. It's only been 3 weeks....I can't do this. Everyone keeps saying call them, they're only a phone call away, etc...it doesn't work that way! I need to be in the Carthage Cafe playing ERS with Liz and Mooney. I need to be in Liz's basement, in my car with Mooney, in Darby's dorm room. True, I get to see Darby in 2 months. It's going to be great. But I'm just going to be that much more miserable when I have to come back without her. I was never into just talking on the phone. When I need support, I need to go out with my friends, or cry on their shoulders. I can't just whine and sob my way through a phone call. I feel like there's a visible chasm between myself and my friends...like they're across a really crowded room and I'm trying to tell them something really important but it's so noisy and chaotic all they can say is "What? WHAT?" That's how I'd feel about a phone call. I need the physical comfort of their hugs. I feel like nothing. Worse than nothing.
I am nothing, and I am alone.
Edit to Add:
Just noticed that I hadn't posted since the day after I got back from California in June. So yeah, that says something.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Cuz it's like you're my mirror
So, got home from seeing Darby in California last night. It was so hard to leave :( Some emotional things came up that I kind of want to process. So, I got Darby hooked on Stargate SG1 (in her words, "WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE TO ME!?" bahahaha) and we were watching an episode (in case you follow....season 1, "Brief Candle.") And anyway stuff happens and Jack gets to see his dead son again, even though he knows it's not really his son, and I just started crying of course. Darby said "Wouldn't that just be crueler?" And it was like this thought process went through my head in a split second, that if you didn't have to watch the person die again....if you just got to spend one or two more hours with them....wouldn't you? She happens to have a picture of Ariel on her wall, and I fucking LOST IT. I've avoided talking/thinking about Ariel because I've either been so angry with her or telling myself I'm angry with her because it's easier to deal with. I just felt empty, that same sense of despair that I felt the day that Janelle called and told me what happened, and it's good I was sitting because when that call came I collapsed. I've been telling myself I'm angry, even snapping on other people who start to talk about her, because I don't want to feel that pain ever again. The only other significant losses I've been through were my grandparents, and they both died naturally of very old age, not suddenly. No one was ever ripped from me the way she was. I'm angry because it was HER choice to leave. But mostly I just feel so...damaged. She was a part of my heart that can never be filled again. When I use the term "ripped from me," that's what it physically feels like. Like part of my heart is being wrenched out of my body. If anyone watches Once Upon a Time, it feels like how it looks when Regina rips people's hearts out. I hate to throw that petty example in, but it fits. I had to go in the bathroom and turn on the water and cry for a while. Maybe it's time to go back into that topic.
Stupid time difference...dear body, we're back in Chicago now. Deal with it.
Stupid time difference...dear body, we're back in Chicago now. Deal with it.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Your head is running wild again
I'll post a blog. I have nothing better to do since I can't sleep because I'm out of my meds >_<
ED has been a big problem lately. It hit big last night...went out for the Hawks game and I'd like to say I didn't realize how much I was eating but oh I DID. Afterwards I was like I have to throw up I HAVE TO THROW UP GET IT OUT OF ME NOW. But I didn't. And so I cried about it. I had food/ED nightmares all night. Then today there was a lot of talk about sizing and people telling me "Oh you'd look so good in this, it's at Forever 21 you should get it!" And I have to say THEY DON'T HAVE MY SIZE. NOWHERE YOU SHOP CARRIES MY SIZE. I am disgusting. So I just spent about an hour between my ED friends' facebook pages being jealous of their sizes and on my pro-ana site looking through thinspiration pictures. I looked at a friend's page, a picture of her at her worst, and thought wow, I wish I was on THAT side of ED unhappiness. Then I thought well, she's back at TK right now, so clearly it's not going well for her. THEN I thought, I'd LOVE to have to go back to TK because of being deathly thin. I want the gap. I want the bones. I want the hollowness. Doesn't help that every day at work I have to pass the swimsuits. Oh hi Michael Kors, I love you but the only thing you make that will ever fit me is a purse! :(
Someone posted in the TK group, "Choose recovery." Such a simple statement, and I'm having SO much trouble with it. I hate that I've been going back for alumni for almost a year now and still haven't had any weight loss to be noticed and admired.
I don't know what else is going on. This is just all consuming right now. Which is how I feel when I eat. ((bad pun))
Stupid. So stupid!
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Chances are dynamite
You ever start watching a movie or a tv show or reading a book and realize it's the same story line as everything else only with different people and settings? Story of my fucking life. Today, I hate myself, and I hate my life, and I hate the way that I chose to deal with my sorry life today. I've been self harming again. One cut is too much and 1000 is never enough, right? Fuck. I can't even write any more. I just hate everything. I know, all things are passing. This will not last. But I am SO. FUCKING. SICK. of people telling me "just don't let it get to you!" OBVIOUSLY IF I'M TALKING ABOUT IT, IT HAS ALREADY GOTTEN TO ME, AND YOUR SHITSTACK OF SO-CALLED ADVICE IS BULLSHIT AND I WANT TO HIT YOU. If you can't help me with my problems, then don't give me bullshit like that. Fucking invalidating as FUCK. Fuck this.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Oh we had everything
I can't believe myself. Un-fucking-believable. I have come so far in recovery, and as I said in my speech at TK, one of the greatest lessons I learned was how to detach with love. I did that. I detached from about 75% of my life without regret, because I knew it would be the best thing for me in the long run. Then I went to see a friend's show in the city, a friend from high school. She was amazing of course as usual as I knew she would be. I was so SO awesome to see her and hang out with her afterwards. So then we made plans to go see another friend's show on Saturday night. We made plans with 3-4 other people from high school, and I got really excited to see them.
Big surprise, everything fell through (aka they're going the night I can't go) and had I not asked someone about the timing of the show, I probably never would have been told.
I'M SORRY, IS IT 2005 AGAIN!? WHAT THE FUCK! So ALLLLLLLLL these feelings and memories came just FLOODING to the front of my brain, and yet again, 8 years later, I'm crying for the same reasons. I have to stop this nonsense. Now I find myself trying to rearrange my schedule so that I can go with them tomorrow night. Why? ONCE AGAIN, I find myself trying to compromise my life, plans, schedule, whatever, so that it could fit THEIR lives. It's not worth it. I so so so wish it just could have worked out, but maybe this is a sign from the universe. Take 2 steps forward, not 8 years back. BIG SIGH.
Big surprise, everything fell through (aka they're going the night I can't go) and had I not asked someone about the timing of the show, I probably never would have been told.
I'M SORRY, IS IT 2005 AGAIN!? WHAT THE FUCK! So ALLLLLLLLL these feelings and memories came just FLOODING to the front of my brain, and yet again, 8 years later, I'm crying for the same reasons. I have to stop this nonsense. Now I find myself trying to rearrange my schedule so that I can go with them tomorrow night. Why? ONCE AGAIN, I find myself trying to compromise my life, plans, schedule, whatever, so that it could fit THEIR lives. It's not worth it. I so so so wish it just could have worked out, but maybe this is a sign from the universe. Take 2 steps forward, not 8 years back. BIG SIGH.
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