Hulk Smaaaaash

I'm angry. I know we all wish everything would go our way, but when you make plans, is it wrong to be angry when they change without your knowledge or any consideration? My therapist told me I need to work on my relationships, especially getting into dating. My walls are so high, it takes a special person to break through. And I found that person, and he is amazing...smarter than anyone I've ever met, considerate, kind, intuitive, thoughtful, insightful, beautiful eyes, and all around the (I know, improper English) most good person, especially in the male category, that I've ever known.

But I'm a crazy psychotic nutjob. He already had his bout with the mentally ill, what about me could POSSIBLY attract someone like him? Or...ANYONE!? If I don't love myself, and I don't, why do I feel like I deserve to have someone to love me? I don't see good qualities in myself. I see failure after failure, and my last option of hardcore treatment fell through, thank you very much blue cross blue shield.

People say I'm strong. MASK. People say I'm smart. COSTUME. (few) People say I'm pretty. MASK COSTUME AND MAKEUP.

I'm broken. I am constantly reminded to remember that I am a person. No I'm not. Not to everyone else. To everyone else the most human I am is when they need someone to hang out with. Otherwise I am an object; damaged goods. The dented can that people only buy because it's on sale.

What I would really love is to just give up. To be a complete vegetable. I don't want to work or see people or do anything that provokes emotion. At this moment, I want to be left alone. To lay in bed all day and all night and just let everyone forget about me. To not have thoughts. Except maybe a TV that plays nothing but 30 Rock. And MST3K. I've been struggling and fighting and surviving all my life....I'm just so...tired. Wake me up when they invent a miracle treatment that will erase all the crazy in me. I'd rather be a zombie than deal with these thoughts every day.