Am I here for a day or forever?

I have to write this before I forget it.  Damn I am REALLY coming clean about my messed up thoughts.

I thought of another reason why I might want people to think that I'm sicker than I am.  Or AM I. in fact, sicker than I think I am?  Both?  Although WANTING people to think that I'm sicker IS pretty fucked, so...wow I just confused myself.  ANYWAY.  So.  This came to me on the airplane (oh yeah, I'm home..wooo..).  I never had the kind of support that I do now in the past.  I never had actual friends, or at least more than one or two, who checked up on me, who cared about me, who checked up on me, who liked me for who I am, etc.  I guess what I'm thinking is, I have to look like I'm still sick because if I don't, people will stop checking up on me or paying attention to me.  I don't mean that I WANT that kind of attention, but since I was never used to people paying attention to me, I have been basking in its glory since I left TK.  So if I look like everything is great and I'm doing well, then I won't be a priority, and people will stop asking about me or supporting me, because they have plenty of other people who need support more than I do.  That makes sense to me, does anyone else follow?  Wow I really am 50 shades of fucked up.
Now, to make this clear, I KNOW that this is a false illusion created by the codependent beast in my head that craves attention no matter what the reason.  This beast still isn't convinced that things have changed, and so it needs me to latch onto others and keep them around at any cost.  RATIONAL brain knows that I don't have to try, not anymore, because people actually like me, and I don't need to prove anything to keep them around and liking me.  They will always be there, and as for the ones who do "leave" me, well, there is a reason behind it.  And that reason is NOT that it was done to harm me.  They're just not in my ultimate plan anymore.
Holy shit did that just come out of me?  Shit!  That came out of nowhere...I wonder if that knowledge will stay in my brain when that kind of situation inevitably arises.  Hopefully it will stay and can empower rational brain, so maybe together we can beat the beast.
That's enough stream of conscious brilliance for one night.  Agh I do NOT want to go back to work tomorrow.  Maybe if I whine about it enough it will go away.  That's how it works, right?