Blerg. Nightmares and flashbacks are back FULL FORCE. :((((( And now I'm having flashbacks OF my nightmares! What the fuck?
This is triggering. Don't say I didn't warn you.
I'm in a stereotypical nightmare scene, set in an alley at night, with one harsh fluorescent light casting a circle of light on the wet, potholed asphalt. Between two old brick buildings, I don't know how tall or what color, everything is gray except the people. I'm with someone else, someone younger, maybe a girl. She's weak and dirty and bruised, and I'm there to help her. I keep trying to pull her to her feet, telling her urgently that she has to get up and move. She has to leave because bad things are happening and we can't stop them. Her clothes are ratty and look more like burlap sacks. She's skinny, really skinny, and her hair is long and dark and matted to her head. She screams and falls down in fear, and then I see them. Men, dozens of them, closing in, closing off the exit from the alley. I pick her up onto her feet and when I look up again they are all around. Again, stereotypical crime tv show scene, shaved heads, wearing jeans with chains and wifebeaters. Looking like lions choosing prey. No. Looking like men picking someone to rape and kill. She is standing now, and I put her behind me but it doesn't really matter because they're on all sides. I'm fighting, kicking and punching and diving, but they're just laughing and keep pressing in on all sides. Eventually they completely close in, they are laughing and licking their lips and they have evil in their eyes. The light fades as if something is closing around the bulb in a circle as well. There are hands everywhere, touching and pushing and just running everywhere, especially on my face and hair and neck, they're sweaty and dirty hands. The girl isn't there anymore. I have only one option of possible rescue, and that is to scream, scream as loud as I can and hope someone hears me. I open my mouth and no one stops me, because the only sound coming out is a hoarse rasp because I'm too scared to make noise. I keep trying though, and they're all laughing, and I just keep trying to scream. Then I'm on the dirty ground and it's wet and gravelly and rough and I can barely see the light above me because all of their heads have closed in and they're watching me. Now water is falling on my face and I'm in the tattered ripped cloth that the girl was wearing, because now I'm her, and then it's gone and I'm naked and just being touched roughly everywhere, body and face pushed into the dirty wet ground and I can't close my eyes. They're all laughing and getting ready, they're all unbuckling their belts and pants and watching. There's so many. I'm on the ground face down. And then I think oddly about the road rash I'm going to have after every thrust drives my face and front into the gravel. I can't scream anymore.
This is the scene I have been reliving day and night over and over for days. I'm not taking trazodone, I can't sleep. I just can't. What am I going to do? I just feel weak, I'm just...spent.
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