Dreams of para-para-paradise, every time she closed her eyes....
Hi friends. Been a while since I posted. Basically my computer said oh fuck this and stopped working. I got a lovely beautiful new one for Christmas, but our wifi is messed up so it's basically useless UNTIL MY FATHER DOES SOMETHING ABOUT IT!
My Christmas was awesome. My family is so amazing! First on Christmas we went to Jim and Vicky's and did our usual gift exchange with them and Vicky's parents, my Gigi and Ripper :D I love them. So that was fun, catching up, being sassy, playing with Laika and Griswald. After that we went to my cousin Diane's house. Ahh Beverly, where everyone is related to everyone. I had a lot of fun with all my cousins and Diane's kids, and for the first time in maybe 20 years my mom had to scold me for rough-housing and "getting the kids all wild." After Thanksgiving, I was worried about myself, but I KICKED ASS! I had a few drinks, I ate reasonably and I didn't purge (even though I wanted to a little bit). I love my cousins and everyone that comes along with them. I don't know how well I could truly appreciate things before my grand awakening, because this year felt different. I feel so incredibly grateful for everything and everyone in my life. I've made promises to hang out with both Diane and her brothers, I hate only seeing them twice a year.
All things considered I'm doing really well. My counter manager got me sick for the 2nd time in 2 months, waaaah. Work is going well, life is going well. I had an unfortunate realization that I have to (on paper) redefine my friendship with an old friend. It's funny...I've always had the "I care about you more than you care about me" thing with her, but in the past when this would slap up in my face I would cry and whine and be a bitch, and now I'm just like okay...let's lower our expectations and then we can enjoy what we have. BOOM! Codependent no more!
TK Alumnae was this past Friday. I got to see a lot of friends, so while I'm not happy that they're there, I'm happy I got to see them. The speaker was REALLY good, too. I wish I could remember her name. She actually had her shit together and knew what she was saying, and I really related to her. She also shared something that really hit me...She said she asked Dr. Kim once, "Will I ever be able to have sex and enjoy it?" And of course DK said yes, and now a few years later she told us it's possible and it happens. That brought me some relief, that some day I might not be terrified of everything right down to SAYING the word "sex." Sex is kind of necessary to have those 4 kids I want. Ugh I hate even TYPING that :(((
Interesting that that should come up now. Tomorrow......fuck dude. I'm having nightmares about everything now, both flashback nightmares and any type of "what if" situation that my brain could possibly come up with. Mostly it's "what if he (or anyone involved) shows up at my work?" And so my brain plays out every worst-case scenario possible. And even impossible, I guess... I think I'll be safe tomorrow. I'm working til 6, then going to Ali's, packin bottles of sparkling juice too :)
I'm kind of setting myself up for disappointment...I don't know how to word it. I'm expecting to be just fine tomorrow. I know I'll be nervous and anxious, but I don't plan on being any worse. So, while I know anything could happen, I feel like if it does, I'll just fall apart. Kind of like there are no parts of my recovery, just one whole, and if anything happens, well, everything will slide. I know that doesn't have to happen. I'm just worrying/future-predicting because I'm so good at it. Hopefully I can sleep tonight...
Here's to making 2013 my bitch!
Happy new year, friends :)
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