Wishes don't come true. Miracles don't happen. I found myself wishing for my life to be the way it was. But you know what? I actually wish it was some kind of fantasy world where my whole family loved and supported me, a life where I HADN'T been abused since the age of 5, a life where people believed in me, or just plain believed me. My life wasn't that way, so what is this false reality floating through my head? "It does not do to dwell on dreams...and forget to live."
I've come to the healthy mental position where I know suicide is not an option. That doesn't mean I like the life I'm living. Go ahead, roll your eyes. If you knew half of what I've been through...and again, roll your eyes, because all the world knows is that my life has been rainbows and cotton candy and I'm just a selfish narcissist for whom nothing is good enough. Being physically and mentally tortured most of my life took its toll, and holding on to those secrets for 20 years broke me. It's like a broken vase. You can glue the pieces together, but you can still see the cracks and poorly done glue job, plus missing spots where pieces were lost in the wreckage. It will never be whole again. All you can hope for is that, from far away, people won't notice the missing pieces, or the cracks and the crappy glue job done to mask what really happened.
Back on mood stabilizers now...hopefully they will make me an unfeeling zombie, where the world is so blurry that even up close I can't see the cracks or trauma of a broken girl. I'd rather feel nothing than feel this emptiness, these feelings of being unwanted, unloved, and a burden and nuisance to those who matter most to me. Ignorance is bliss, I hear.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Monday, March 19, 2012
Thursday, March 8, 2012
A blurby, unstructured blog of struggles.
Where to FUCKING begin? I guess I'll start with explaining that I am struggling with an IMMENSE amount of anxiety right now. Not even my parents would notice it, I'm sure, whatwith my nonchalant attitude and sarcastic remarks. As I said in NAMI tonight, my brain is stuck in the future. I'm faced with what I want to do with my life, yet again. My two desires are makeup artistry, and moreso, acting. There's no money in either industry. They say, do what you love. I love acting, but I have no time to get back into it, between work and my treatments. Other than my retail crapjob, no one's really hiring professional makeup artists.
I feel like I've been lying to myself. At least for a week or so. Telling myself and others how great I'm doing, trying to convince myself I've been doing so well. But how can that be when I cry every night and deal with suicidal ideations all day? I know I'm at least strong enough not to act on the ideas, but I shouldn't have to deal with thinking "Hmm I wish a car would hit me." I looked myself in the mirror before I got into bed and couldn't stop thinking how much I hate myself. I'm going to look disgusting at Jim and Vicky's wedding and I'll probably be the worst bridesmaid ever, no matter how hard I'm trying. I can't get over the fact that I still have no friends. I'm a mess right now. I just feel hopeless, like there's so much on my plate that I just want to chuck the whole thing against a wall. That's an analogy for giving up. If there is a god, why would he make mental illness? Was he drunk when he decided "Oh this bitch should just kill herself and rot in hell." I can't handle shit and I'm rapidly moving towards an anxiety attack, or worse. I took extra valium, klonopin, and atarax tonight. I hope it helps me sleep with none of the fucked up dreams I've been having lately. Thank god I see the psychiatrist and my therapist tomorrow. I don't want to go back to work on Sunday. Fuck this life, why was I given this life?? Why put myself and my family through this pain and frustration?? I hate this.
I feel like I've been lying to myself. At least for a week or so. Telling myself and others how great I'm doing, trying to convince myself I've been doing so well. But how can that be when I cry every night and deal with suicidal ideations all day? I know I'm at least strong enough not to act on the ideas, but I shouldn't have to deal with thinking "Hmm I wish a car would hit me." I looked myself in the mirror before I got into bed and couldn't stop thinking how much I hate myself. I'm going to look disgusting at Jim and Vicky's wedding and I'll probably be the worst bridesmaid ever, no matter how hard I'm trying. I can't get over the fact that I still have no friends. I'm a mess right now. I just feel hopeless, like there's so much on my plate that I just want to chuck the whole thing against a wall. That's an analogy for giving up. If there is a god, why would he make mental illness? Was he drunk when he decided "Oh this bitch should just kill herself and rot in hell." I can't handle shit and I'm rapidly moving towards an anxiety attack, or worse. I took extra valium, klonopin, and atarax tonight. I hope it helps me sleep with none of the fucked up dreams I've been having lately. Thank god I see the psychiatrist and my therapist tomorrow. I don't want to go back to work on Sunday. Fuck this life, why was I given this life?? Why put myself and my family through this pain and frustration?? I hate this.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Quick Gratitude Entry
Quick cause I'm tired. But I am so uber thankful for my mom, Vicky, and Jim. I don't know what I would do without the 3 of them. If you guys happen to read this, thank you so much for not only putting up with my insane shenanigans and bitchy mood swings, but continuing to be so amazingly supportive of me, shens and all. Love you all. ♥
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Struggles
My Borderline traits are really coming out lately, and I'm having a hard time reeling them in. I'm losing friends again. I just believe it's too simple to believe that positive thinking can turn everything around. Not for me, not when I need my brain shocked once a week to ward off major depression. If you don't understand or don't believe in mental illness please never speak to me about it again. I understand people have busy, stressful lives, and that right now my life probably seems easy. I have to worry about losing my job, a week of no one but my parents, and trying to keep suicidal thoughts at bay. My life is not easy, and I don't intentionally make it difficult. I'm sick of people thinking I can just think my way out of this. I wouldn't be wasting money on outpatient therapy and putting my body through ECT if I could do that.
Speaking of ECT. I noticed this downward spiral shortly after I went down to once a week, so I need to talk to my doctor and see if she thinks I need to up the frequency. Which I REALLY hope I don't need to be inpatient to do, I can't take all this. It's hard to come out of the world-is-against-me funk. I know I'm irrational and ridiculous, but the thoughts won't stop.
V I decided to blog about this a couple hours ago, before tonight's incident, so I don't want you thinking I'm passive-aggressively just aiming snide comments at you, that's not the case at all.
When is it MY turn? :(
Speaking of ECT. I noticed this downward spiral shortly after I went down to once a week, so I need to talk to my doctor and see if she thinks I need to up the frequency. Which I REALLY hope I don't need to be inpatient to do, I can't take all this. It's hard to come out of the world-is-against-me funk. I know I'm irrational and ridiculous, but the thoughts won't stop.
V I decided to blog about this a couple hours ago, before tonight's incident, so I don't want you thinking I'm passive-aggressively just aiming snide comments at you, that's not the case at all.
When is it MY turn? :(
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Mean People Suck
I don't understand why people think it's funny to use someone else's opinions or thoughts as the butt of their jokes. You've made it clear you joke that way, I've made it clear I don't appreciate it. You've made it clear you're not going to change how you are around me, I've made it clear I won't put up with that bullshit anymore. End of story, right? Noooo, he just keeps on going. Clearly I'm wrong and he's right.
I deal with nonstop negativity all day every day with my father, I shouldn't have to put up with it with my "friends." If that's your idea of a good time, then so long. At this stage in my recovery, just when I'm making so much progress and really believing I'm in a good place, that's the last thing I need. I choose no friend over a shitty friend who puts me down nonstop. I think people only hang around him because they're bored and so is he, so there's a common ground and they're all they have to entertain themselves. Screw that noise. I can't handle this in my life right now, nor should I ever have to. Sometimes you have to sacrifice having someone to hang out with in order to keep your sanity, so I'm takin' out the trash. Done.
I deal with nonstop negativity all day every day with my father, I shouldn't have to put up with it with my "friends." If that's your idea of a good time, then so long. At this stage in my recovery, just when I'm making so much progress and really believing I'm in a good place, that's the last thing I need. I choose no friend over a shitty friend who puts me down nonstop. I think people only hang around him because they're bored and so is he, so there's a common ground and they're all they have to entertain themselves. Screw that noise. I can't handle this in my life right now, nor should I ever have to. Sometimes you have to sacrifice having someone to hang out with in order to keep your sanity, so I'm takin' out the trash. Done.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
50th Post!
I wish people would stop thinking they know how to run my life. I'm not saying I'm perfect at it, but I know myself. I'm doing what I need to do to get well, I'm paying my bills (and yes, more than the minimum) with money that I SAVED, and I know my limits. A little trust and a little less patronizing would be nice.
Anyhoo. Happy Superbowl day, all. I watched a recorded Terra Nova instead. Jim turned 28, not that I was allowed to get him a present or anything though. Frosts my cookies.
I'm not in a very good mood, but I suppose it's better than being depressed. At least I'm feeling. I'm just excited for the week to start so I can go back to Outpatient. Also on my list of things to do in the next 3 weeks: Join a gym and go tanning for Florida. I would've rather spent that money on my family but nooooo. I better watch what I post here.
Screw that noise. Good night.
Anyhoo. Happy Superbowl day, all. I watched a recorded Terra Nova instead. Jim turned 28, not that I was allowed to get him a present or anything though. Frosts my cookies.
I'm not in a very good mood, but I suppose it's better than being depressed. At least I'm feeling. I'm just excited for the week to start so I can go back to Outpatient. Also on my list of things to do in the next 3 weeks: Join a gym and go tanning for Florida. I would've rather spent that money on my family but nooooo. I better watch what I post here.
Screw that noise. Good night.
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