WOW

OVER 2000 VIEWS!!!! I haven't felt this popular since I was in band in junior high!


*cough*

Just some lyrics

My mom didn't "get" this song when it was on the radio so I said I'd post the lyrics here. "Perfect" by Pink.

Made a wrong turn, once or twice
Dug my way out, blood and fire
Bad decisions, that's alright
Welcome to my silly life

Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss "No way, it's all good"
It didn't slow me down
Mistaken, always second guessing, underestimated
Look, I'm still around.

Pretty pretty please
Don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect
Pretty pretty please
If you ever ever feel
Like you're nothing
You are perfect
To me.

You're so mean when you talk about yourself
You were wrong
Change the voices in your head
Make them like you instead

So complicated, look how we all make it
Filled with so much hatred...such a tired game
It's enough, I've done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons
I've seen you do the same

Pretty pretty please
Don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect
Pretty pretty please
If you ever ever feel
Like you're nothing
You are perfect
To me.


There are more words but these are the important ones. Cheers!

Hulk Smaaaaash

I'm angry. I know we all wish everything would go our way, but when you make plans, is it wrong to be angry when they change without your knowledge or any consideration? My therapist told me I need to work on my relationships, especially getting into dating. My walls are so high, it takes a special person to break through. And I found that person, and he is amazing...smarter than anyone I've ever met, considerate, kind, intuitive, thoughtful, insightful, beautiful eyes, and all around the (I know, improper English) most good person, especially in the male category, that I've ever known.

But I'm a crazy psychotic nutjob. He already had his bout with the mentally ill, what about me could POSSIBLY attract someone like him? Or...ANYONE!? If I don't love myself, and I don't, why do I feel like I deserve to have someone to love me? I don't see good qualities in myself. I see failure after failure, and my last option of hardcore treatment fell through, thank you very much blue cross blue shield.

People say I'm strong. MASK. People say I'm smart. COSTUME. (few) People say I'm pretty. MASK COSTUME AND MAKEUP.

I'm broken. I am constantly reminded to remember that I am a person. No I'm not. Not to everyone else. To everyone else the most human I am is when they need someone to hang out with. Otherwise I am an object; damaged goods. The dented can that people only buy because it's on sale.

What I would really love is to just give up. To be a complete vegetable. I don't want to work or see people or do anything that provokes emotion. At this moment, I want to be left alone. To lay in bed all day and all night and just let everyone forget about me. To not have thoughts. Except maybe a TV that plays nothing but 30 Rock. And MST3K. I've been struggling and fighting and surviving all my life....I'm just so...tired. Wake me up when they invent a miracle treatment that will erase all the crazy in me. I'd rather be a zombie than deal with these thoughts every day.

QUESTION!

If I don't personally know you, leave me a comment and tell me how you find my blog and why you read it. Just curious. Thanks!

Gregor

Thank you.

JCBoyer08@gmail.com

Credit Where Credit is Due

I have to thank whatever higher power, or fate, or coincidence, or whatever brought certain people into my life. I spent all day in crying spells and hiding in my bed, as if my blankets could ward off the evil thoughts. Then I dragged myself out, decided to go with the opposite-to-emotion skill set, and met with a new, but rapidly becoming best, friend. 2 hours later, I felt so much better. She knows just what to say and just how to react to what I have to say. I am blessed to have her in my life. We then left to meet up with the usual suspects. Watched a couple terrible movies and just dicked around like usual. And it was just what I needed. I need these little reminders that I DO have things/people to live for, and some people DO actually care about me and my well being. It's sad that that's a difficult concept for me to grasp. After years of being convinced that anyone who was nice to me must have had an ulterior motive, I'm finally starting to feel like people just might actually like me. For me. A few weeks ago, before my most recent hospitalization, I ended up (drunkenly) spilling all my feelings to a friend, and of course started crying. When I said something along the lines of Oh no my makeup is running, he said "Who cares if your makeup runs? You'll still be beautiful." I haven't felt so touched in...ever? He is such an amazing person and I often question why I am so fortunate to know him. My mom always says God works in mysterious ways. Fact is, before any diagnoses or hospitalizations, all my friends were terrible, backstabbers, dramatic bitches, etc. And now all of my closest friends are people I have met through NAMI. I wouldn't know these amazing people if life hadn't put me through the ringer. Through the bad comes some level of good, right?
Lastly, I have to say how unbelievably grateful I am for my mom. Never once have I questioned her love for me, and every day she gives me another reason to thank God I got so lucky. I am very fortunate to have someone whose love is equal to that of 2 parents.

So there's my gratitude for the moment. I only hope life will be kind to these people. We've all been through enough...

God bless and good night.

Circles

Life is just spinning. Too fast. Thoughts are racing. Can't focus on skills. I wanna get off this ride please.