Happiness I cannot feel and love to me is so unreal

I am going to try to sort out my thoughts now so it might be a little clearer tomorrow...

I am feeling a whole range of things, none of which are "good" or the equivalent.  I'm having really strong feelings...hopeless, useless, lethargic, apathetic, disgusting, annoying, childish, lonely, abandoned, pathetic...that's a few.  I'm feeling useless and lethargic because I have 3 goddamn days off work in a row, and all the laundry/cleaning in the world can't make me feel like I have a purpose.
I feel lonely all the time, even when I'm with people.  I wanted to spend my 3 days off in my basement den of depression, but yesterday I decided to use some skills, so I called a few people, then Ali came over, we had a random night, and she left this morning.  All day it's felt like I haven't seen anyone in weeks.  SO I feel really terrible about saying I'm lonely, because Ali actually was there for me.  Why can't my brain just think that's enough?  So then I go throwing pity parties via my facebook status, and then I'm pissed off because people don't rush to console me.  BORDERLINE!  Once again struggling with the fact that I don't NEED to be with someone all the time.  So that's why I feel annoying and childish too.
I'm really feeling disgusting.  I just keep eating.  And as much as I can say "I'm not purging, that's progress," I feel like SHIT because I'm only acting on HALF of my disorder; the half that keeps me FAT.  I ate my biggest and most disgusting trigger food today, I want to puke just thinking about it, I'm so fucking ANGRY.    I bought pills to make me not hungry.  They work, when I take enough, to make me feel full.  My PROBLEM is that I JUST KEEP FUCKING EATING.  I can't possibly pick up my bridesmaid dress like this, I can't put that on this thing.  This THING. BLOB. DSJGNSLKDJGSDGER0T923458.
And then I just feel pathetic because of all of this.  Since I went drinking last week, I just want to go get drunk.  Let's be accountable here: 6 beers, 5 shots, 2 long islands.  FUCK.  I'm a little proud of that.  And that makes me feel more awful.  I've been crying on and off for days, everyone keeps asking me what's wrong even when I think I'm putting up a good mask, and I'm just so TIRED!
OH, and THEN, to cope with stress from family business, I went shopping.  Now my account is WAAAAAAAAY in the hole.  My mom is helping me pay for therapy this week and I REALLY fucking need to see him more often to deal with my fuck ups BUT I HAVE NO MONEY.
I'm so angry at myself!  "Be gentle with yourself..." I DON'T DESERVE THAT.

I'm just on so many levels of self-loathing.  It is KILLING me to not self-harm.  AND DON'T TELL ME THAT'S GOOD I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT.  It's a pity party, and only I am invited.
I don't know what to do.  I'm sure there's plenty I could be doing to be "gentle" with myself but sick Julie just wants me to suffer, and healthy Julie is sick of fighting.