I'm in a funk. I'm seriously in bed surfing facebook for things to make me feel sorry for myself. Borderline is trying to rear its ugly head. I went through someone's pictures (yeah, stalking) and felt worse and worse about myself when I saw her with all her other friends, doing things that we haven't done, and just thinking about why she likes all these people more than me. Absolute false insanity. Maybe it's false maybe it's true, I don't know, but I don't HAVE to know. The ugly voice in my head just keeps saying, "More proof that all of your friends would pick someone else over you. They're just hanging out with you because they're bored/they feel sorry for you/no one else could go out. They don't really like you, they think you're crazy, and they're all slowly drifting away, you can see and feel it, can't you?" People say "well if they didn't like you, they just wouldn't hang out with you." But you know what? I've definitely gone out with people I didn't really care for, because I was bored and borderline. If I did, they all do too, right? UGH. I'm able to acknowledge that this is a toxic voice filling me with toxic thoughts that bring me toxic emotions. It's a little too late to stop the emotions. They've already settled in, and will probably wreak havoc on my nightmares.
I feel really petty and whiny as I'm writing this. Compared to what I've been through, and what other people are going through, I sound like a whiny 3 year old.
This is NOT a good night for my self esteem!!
I guess I do have some valid reasons for feeling a little lost/hurt/confused. Ugly voice wants to add "betrayed." But rational voice is pushing that down (somewhat unsuccessfully). I don't know...I want to write about it but I happen to plaster my posts all over my facebook so I can't.
Gotta get out of this funk...
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