To talk of many things--
I'm not liking today. Or I'm not liking myself today. I'm not sure. I think both. Fragmented sentences. Bad grammar. Ok done.
I'm feeling..."fine." Fucked up-insecure-neurotic-emotionally unstable. BLAH! I don't like having days off. I don't like working constantly, of course, but I hate my situation. I hate living with my parents and feeling more anxious about a day at home than a day at work. If I don't feel useless enough, I sure am reminded of it. I have no motivation to do anything in this house, because I hate it. Why do you think I've been living in the basement for almost 2 months? I don't want to be here. I love my mom. I hate being here. I'm kind of back to perpetuating my own demise. In school, I felt inadequate, so I became depressed, then stopped going to class, then showed up and felt even dumber because I obviously didn't know the things I missed, so I got more depressed, then skipped more class. BOOM! 26 and no degree.
--of shoes and ships and sealing wax--
I'm stuck again. I get stuck in this rut I've made for myself...I have no money to move out, so I sit and sulk about it. So, in my usual pattern, being depressed, I try to lift my spirits in the one reliable way I know how: I buy things. Things that I need or want or I think are pretty. And yet, somehow, it still comes as a shock to me when I still have no money to move out. skdjfskdhbgepidugjbewrpiugjbevg!!!
--of cabbages and kings--
I think I'm a little emo because the one guy I really hit it off with found someone else. It took everything in me not to grill him about what was wrong with me and why I wasn't good enough. I don't know...I'm feeling lonely. Yes, I know the difference between alone and lonely, just like I know I can be with people and still lonely. Where is everyone?
--and why the sea is boiling hot--
I had much more coherent thoughts in my head before I actually sat down to write this. I don't know. I feel useless, lonely, ignored...I've been feeling really sour since my birthday went ignored at work for the 3rd year in a row. Maybe that makes me childish, I don't care. I'm upset with my lack of accomplishments in my life, my living situation, my body, etc. Speaking of body. My bridesmaid dress came in this week. I'm pretending I didn't get the message. I was really proud of myself the last 3 days for how much I didn't eat, I was so happy with how hungry I was, and, last night, how dizzy I was. Then today I ate, and I ate disgusting things and I just didn't stop. I hate feeling like this at night...there's nothing I can do to pull myself out of this at this time, I'm just going to sleep and wake up feeling just as useless as I did today. Probably more so because of the eating. Useless stupid blob, can't do anything right, and just taking up (a lot of) space and wasting everyone's time and energy. I'm just too fed up and emotionally exhausted to contradict myself right now. :(
--and whether pigs have wings.
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