Here they come again to jack my style

I'm going to explode.  I'M GOING TO EXPLODE.  Today is the angriest I've been since before TK.  For a while I've been feeling really pushed away/ignored at work.  This woman is running our department while my actual manager is out doing chemo, and she's a total wench.  Marty appreciated me, she listened to my ideas because SHE KNEW I WAS A FUCKING ROCKSTAR.  This woman...she just can do no wrong, apparently.  NOTHING I say is right, and if I've talked to her about something 3 times and she doesn't remember (which she never does), clearly I'm making it up and I deserve to be yelled at for getting irritated.  I'm not going to go into every little detail.  I am fucking amazing at my job.  I don't think it's too hard to be good at this stupid and useless job, but nonetheless, I rule.  My biggest asset, besides most things, is my creativity.  Our department used to be so awesome, because Marty listened to my ideas, then fostered an environment where all ideas could be heard.  Anything I suggest gets shot down.  The other day I spent 3 hours working on a project, and today I come in and see that she has ripped the entire thing apart to do it herself (and it looked like SHIT).  I have really good ideas on how to make the place run smoother, cleaner, and more fun.  NOPE.  NO fun in Impulse.  They have NO FUCKING CLUE what they would miss, and how much they would suddenly find themselves having to do every day, if I wasn't there.  I can't stand being unappreciated.  Especially when I put SO much time and effort and pride into what I do in this useless, mundane profession.  This all makes my job sound even more superficial than I already think it is.  Tell me again why I spent $2000 to get certified in this?  Who was I kidding.  Fuck.
IN other news...been dealing with a lot of anxiety over the past couple weeks, building and building.  I've been catching myself clenching and unclenching my hands, pulling my hair, and since Liz made me aware of my rocking back and forth, I've caught myself doing that too.  It's also getting harder and harder to breathe, and I either feel like I'm going to explode and flip a table all Jesus style or just collapse on the ground crying uncontrollably.  Haven't QUITE done either of those, just ended up crying on my floor.  This is really hard for me, a real test... I haven't been faced with anxiety or anger like this since TK.  It doesn't help that it's November, which means I now get to face the 2 hardest months of my year.
And also, because life isn't awesome enough, my nightmares are back.  In varying degrees of intensity, but still.  They're back.  From having to experience everyone closest to me laughing at me/humiliating me to seeing all of my successful college friends pitying me to reliving my real-life nightmares of abuse and rape, nights are once again terrifying.  :(
And I'm crying again!  3 times in one day.  Oh boy.  I have to work 9 hours tomorrow, all day with the woman that hates me.  This is going to be really hard...please send good energy my way.  Or random positive text messages, those work too.  And Vic we should probably hang out soon, I miss you.