Whisper things into my brain, assuring me that I'm insane

I should really write in here when I have good days, because this whole blog looks like one giant sad baby whine fest.  I'm having trouble deciding how much of my current life IS, in fact, a giant sad baby whine fest.  Probably because it feels like my whole life is shit when I'm having a bad moment or a bad day.  I'm getting better, but still the shit blurs the good out when I'm having an especially bad time.

Moving on to TODAY's shit!  Today wasn't all shit.  I don't know.

This is going to be a confusing ramble of a post, I can already tell.  Buckle up, here it comes.

I guess I should recap my adventures with ED for the week.  I'm not sure when I started, I think Thursday?  Anyway I've been restricting a lot.  I wouldn't let myself eat.  I'd get my fill of calories from all the coffee I drink at work.  If I did eat, usually dinner with my family because I don't want them to be suspicious, I hate myself.  I lost about 8lbs between Thursday and yesterday.  I let myself eat Saturday night...I was with Darby in Hyde Park, and we decided to get Thai food.  I ate about 1/4 of my food...it was ungodly spicy and just disgusting, reminding me that oh yeah, I think Thai food is nasty.  The entire drive home, I worked myself up so much that I probably could have thrown up without making myself.  At one point some idiot nearly side swiped me, which would have ran me off the road into a ditch, and the ONLY thing I could think was, "Then I wouldn't be able to throw up in time."  I wasn't even afraid of being hurt, not even startled at the sudden sight of an Escalade bearing down on my baby Civic.  That's sick.  And not the good kind of sick.  So I got home in time and purged.  About an hour later, I got a text from Darby saying that she got food poisoning.  The timing of this was EXCELLENT, so when my parents asked me about it I said it was food poisoning and I must be telling the truth because Darby got it too.  :(  And let me tell you that spicy shit hurt WAY more coming up than it did going down.  Bleh I know I shouldn't make this a joke.  It's what I do.  So yesterday, I gave myself permission to eat like a normal person, AND I managed to stay away from the scale.  Then today I told myself, just coffee.  Just coffee today.  However, I ate pizza with my dad tonight.  I was so full, I was disgusted with myself.  And on top of disgusted, I HATED myself for not doing something about the disgust (purging).  I guess Ed hated me...but irrational Julie jumped right on board with him.  So when I came upstairs to go to bed, I stopped by the scale.  After losing 8lbs, I gained back 9.  So I cried on the floor again.  No more eating for me.  Over the weekend I started doing something.  I wear a tight rubberband around my wrist, and every time I eat or think about eating or get sad because I can't eat, I snap it three times, always in the same spot.  The redder my wrist is at night, the more upset I am with myself, because that means I've been thinking about eating so much.  Then I lay in bed and snap it even after my eyes start to water.  What the fuck has my life come to?  It's taking a LOT for me to not delete everything, because admitting to it makes me feel like I shouldn't do it anymore.  I can't believe I didn't purge tonight, this is disgusting.  Good thing I keep rubberbands everywhere.