It's just the beasts under your bed, in your closet, in your head

Sigh.  As I decided what word to use to properly describe my feelings to begin my post, I remembered how Mark used to say that he could tell how our session would go within the first 5 seconds as I walked in the room.  If someone asked me how I'm doing I'd probably sigh and say "fine."  Typing that was pointless because only I know what this looks like.  BUT I try not to edit myself on here, so HA, I just wasted 15 seconds of your life.  Also, my eyelashes are sticking together.  This is why I shouldn't use so much mascara. (But my lashes look so goooood!  Worth it.) 

Way to avoid the topic.

SO.  Wednesday night, I hung out with Ali at her place in Lincoln Park.  Around 11 we were both hungry, so we went to this 24 hour place because who doesn't love breakfast at 11pm right?  (The answer is obvious.  Breakfast is always delicious.)  I had a minor heart attack when the waitress brought my food; the plate was enormous.  I told Ali I was having an ED freak out, so she helped distract me and I ate most of my food.  It was probably the biggest single meal I've had in a couple weeks.  Later I just focused on enjoying my night, and I ended up getting through it.  I decided that I could give myself a break.  Then yesterday was fun.  We woke up and watched Dr. Horrible, then Ali says "You know what we should do?  We should go to the zoo."  Random as fuck.  The zoo is only a 5 minute bus ride from her place, and we ended up spending almost 3 hours there, it was so fun.  We decided to be touristy when we walked in, so we saw all the best animals (ZEBRAS!) and took pictures and even got one of those silly photobooth pictures, it was so much fun. 

After the zoo, we ate (and I survived without hating myself!) and then I headed home in the middle of rush hour.  Awesome.  I was so happy with myself for letting the food crap go, I was actually really feeling good.  

Later, I was watching the news with my parents.  Some story about something was on and it was showing a courtroom, and my brain instantly flashed to a moment I had at TK, where I was asked if I would ever take my rapist to court.  The thought then terrified me, of having to see him again and probably everyone who was there.  And so that thought then took over my brain, and I began to have a flashback.  I couldn't breathe, I dissociated, and I was just so afraid.  SO terrified, like when a loud noise scares you...that initial blinding fear that fades away in a nanosecond, except it doesn't go away.  When I got a slight grip on myself, I was able to consciously think, "I'm having a flashback."  So I laid down on the couch with my head in my mom's lap (I know, "awwww"), told her what was happening, and she rubbed my back until I finished crying and I was able to slow my heart and breathing.  I knew I would have nightmares then, so I tried to stay awake, but ended up falling asleep, and yep, nightmares.  

Today I worked, not too much fun there.  Then I was watching tv and had another flashback.  I cried again and my heart felt like it was pounding out of my chest while horrifying images flashed in front of my eyes, no matter how hard I pressed my palms into them.  That just gave me a headache.  When I came to my realization of what was going on, I got on WhatsApp and asked Liz and Riham to help me, so Liz told me bad jokes, and slowly it passed.  By bad jokes I mean awesome anti-jokes, such as "Why did Sally fall off the swing?  Because she has no arms."  Then I watched 3 episodes of Boardwalk Empire.  I finally resigned myself to taking my meds and getting in bed.  And now it's 3am and I'm still too scared to sleep.  AGH.

Can the universe give me a day off from all this please? :(