Lucky to have been where I have been

I don't have too much to post about today.  Wednesdays are my days off, so I spent the day relaxing and crocheting.  I made a winter ear-warmer and a toy for my cats.  Who's cool?  THIS girl.  I have tomorrow off too, and since I'm in good spirits, I will make myself start on my room.  I have to wash everything I have because even though there are clean clothes everywhere, they have either touched the floor or other clothes that are dirty or have been on the floor.  Reminds me of how mad the BHSs would get at TK at meals because I'd have to keep getting new silverwear every time one touched the tray.  But then I'D get mad at THEM because they'd make me go get ONE carrot or something stupid because I had ONE left that I wouldn't eat because it touched the tray.  Ah fond memories.  Speaking of TK, one of my coworkers recognized my tattoo and told me she was there (on Oak) a few years ago.  Kinda cool :)

Anyways.  The thought that I want to get out there (and make sense of) is this.  I always have some level of relapse once I start feeling too "good."  I start being healthy, and once I acknowledge that, some subconscious part of my brain freaks out and drags me down.  THIS time, I'm acknowledging THAT thought.  Because right now, I'm feeling pretty great.  Even writing that was hard, because my brain immediately wanted to stop me from jinxing myself.  But I don't think I am...I think I set myself up for consistent self-fulfilling prophecies.  Because relapse and sickness are what I know.  I haven't known what healthy feels like since I was maybe 13?  Food is going better, I'm powering through nightmares and I haven't had a flashback in a few days, and though I'm freaking out about Thanksgiving, I'm being rational and taking steps to do everything I can to preserve my recovery.  I even invited a good friend from TK over for the day of chaos, because I know I will need support and distractions, and she's awesome, and we can support each other through the meal part.  And maybe she would play Star Wars Monopoly with me and my cousins?  Man, EVERY year for the past 6 years I end up spending half the evening explaining to Paddy why building a house on Alderaan is a bad idea.  ...Yeah, it would definitely help to have a girl friend my age there!  I still sometimes feel like I'm too young for everyone else.  Maybe it's because no one wanted to be around me and my huge inappropriate drunken mouth throwing everyone under the bus left and right...maybe this year will be different.

That was a long sidetrack.  Long story short, I'm feeling really great.  I'm letting myself enjoy my life, because hey, it's actually a pretty okay life!  I'm going to try my hardest to not let negativity in.  Even now, sick brain is whispering you're NOT okay...you're just covering up how much you're hurting...  Shut up!

It's time to make the life I want for myself! [insert 80s movie freeze-frame fist-pump ending]