I know now, at age 26, that when my life starts sounding like "I Dreamed a Dream," it's time to rethink some things.
"I had a dream my life would be so different from this hell I'm living"
--WAY too dramatic, considering Fantine was singing about how she had to resort to prostitution and selling her hair and teeth to pay for her bastard child's health....but damn, I sure didn't dream of feeling like this every day. At work I am made to feel useless, worthless, unimportant, stupid, bad at my job...etc. I know no one can MAKE me feel anything and it's my fault for letting them get to me....but damn, I used to be hot shit. I used to be important, I used to be Marty's go-to girl, I used to head things up, hold the counter down, and rake in sales like no other. Now I can only do what I feel I am allowed to do. I used to be praised for what I did well....now I feel like I only hear about anything I do wrong.
I just feel like shit! Ugh, plain and simple. SHIT. Mud on someone's boots. STOMP STOMP STOMP.
Worst of all....I'm feeling this way alone. I'm not saying my misery wants company, or that I want anyone else to feel this way. What I'm saying is that all the people I leaned on when I felt like this are gone. It's only been 3 weeks....I can't do this. Everyone keeps saying call them, they're only a phone call away, etc...it doesn't work that way! I need to be in the Carthage Cafe playing ERS with Liz and Mooney. I need to be in Liz's basement, in my car with Mooney, in Darby's dorm room. True, I get to see Darby in 2 months. It's going to be great. But I'm just going to be that much more miserable when I have to come back without her. I was never into just talking on the phone. When I need support, I need to go out with my friends, or cry on their shoulders. I can't just whine and sob my way through a phone call. I feel like there's a visible chasm between myself and my friends...like they're across a really crowded room and I'm trying to tell them something really important but it's so noisy and chaotic all they can say is "What? WHAT?" That's how I'd feel about a phone call. I need the physical comfort of their hugs. I feel like nothing. Worse than nothing.
I am nothing, and I am alone.
Edit to Add:
Just noticed that I hadn't posted since the day after I got back from California in June. So yeah, that says something.
