Your head is running wild again

I'll post a blog.  I have nothing better to do since I can't sleep because I'm out of my meds >_<

ED has been a big problem lately.  It hit big last night...went out for the Hawks game and I'd like to say I didn't realize how much I was eating but oh I DID.  Afterwards I was like I have to throw up I HAVE TO THROW UP GET IT OUT OF ME NOW.  But I didn't.  And so I cried about it.  I had food/ED nightmares all night.  Then today there was a lot of talk about sizing and people telling me "Oh you'd look so good in this, it's at Forever 21 you should get it!"  And I have to say THEY DON'T HAVE MY SIZE.  NOWHERE YOU SHOP CARRIES MY SIZE.  I am disgusting.  So I just spent about an hour between my ED friends' facebook pages being jealous of their sizes and on my pro-ana site looking through thinspiration pictures.  I looked at a friend's page, a picture of her at her worst, and thought wow, I wish I was on THAT side of ED unhappiness.  Then I thought well, she's back at TK right now, so clearly it's not going well for her.  THEN I thought, I'd LOVE to have to go back to TK because of being deathly thin.  I want the gap.  I want the bones.  I want the hollowness.  Doesn't help that every day at work I have to pass the swimsuits.  Oh hi Michael Kors, I love you but the only thing you make that will ever fit me is a purse!  :(

Someone posted in the TK group, "Choose recovery."  Such a simple statement, and I'm having SO much trouble with it.  I hate that I've been going back for alumni for almost a year now and still haven't had any weight loss to be noticed and admired.  

I don't know what else is going on.  This is just all consuming right now.  Which is how I feel when I eat.  ((bad pun))

Stupid.  So stupid!

Chances are dynamite

You ever start watching a movie or a tv show or reading a book and realize it's the same story line as everything else only with different people and settings?  Story of my fucking life.  Today, I hate myself, and I hate my life, and I hate the way that I chose to deal with my sorry life today.  I've been self harming again.  One cut is too much and 1000 is never enough, right? Fuck. I can't even write any more.  I just hate everything.  I know, all things are passing.  This will not last.  But I am SO. FUCKING. SICK. of people telling me "just don't let it get to you!"  OBVIOUSLY IF I'M TALKING ABOUT IT, IT HAS ALREADY GOTTEN TO ME, AND YOUR SHITSTACK OF SO-CALLED ADVICE IS BULLSHIT AND I WANT TO HIT YOU.  If you can't help me with my problems, then don't give me bullshit like that.  Fucking invalidating as FUCK.  Fuck this.

Oh we had everything

I can't believe myself. Un-fucking-believable.  I have come so far in recovery, and as I said in my speech at TK, one of the greatest lessons I learned was how to detach with love.  I did that.  I detached from about 75% of my life without regret, because I knew it would be the best thing for me in the long run.  Then I went to see a friend's show in the city, a friend from high school.  She was amazing of course as usual as I knew she would be.  I was so SO awesome to see her and hang out with her afterwards.  So then we made plans to go see another friend's show on Saturday night.  We made plans with 3-4 other people from high school, and I got really excited to see them.

Big surprise, everything fell through (aka they're going the night I can't go) and had I not asked someone about the timing of the show, I probably never would have been told.

I'M SORRY, IS IT 2005 AGAIN!?  WHAT THE FUCK!  So ALLLLLLLLL these feelings and memories came just FLOODING to the front of my brain, and yet again, 8 years later, I'm crying for the same reasons.  I have to stop this nonsense.  Now I find myself trying to rearrange my schedule so that I can go with them tomorrow night.  Why?  ONCE AGAIN, I find myself trying to compromise my life, plans, schedule, whatever, so that it could fit THEIR lives.  It's not worth it.  I so so so wish it just could have worked out, but maybe this is a sign from the universe.  Take 2 steps forward, not 8 years back. BIG SIGH.