Since she was just a girl, she expected the world

Dreams of para-para-paradise, every time she closed her eyes....

Hi friends.  Been a while since I posted.  Basically my computer said oh fuck this and stopped working.  I got a lovely beautiful new one for Christmas, but our wifi is messed up so it's basically useless UNTIL MY FATHER DOES SOMETHING ABOUT IT!

My Christmas was awesome.  My family is so amazing!  First on Christmas we went to Jim and Vicky's and did our usual gift exchange with them and Vicky's parents, my Gigi and Ripper :D  I love them.  So that was fun, catching up, being sassy, playing with Laika and Griswald.  After that we went to my cousin Diane's house.  Ahh Beverly, where everyone is related to everyone.  I had a lot of fun with all my cousins and Diane's kids, and for the first time in maybe 20 years my mom had to scold me for rough-housing and "getting the kids all wild."  After Thanksgiving, I was worried about myself, but I KICKED ASS!  I had a few drinks, I ate reasonably and I didn't purge (even though I wanted to a little bit).  I love my cousins and everyone that comes along with them.  I don't know how well I could truly appreciate things before my grand awakening, because this year felt different.  I feel so incredibly grateful for everything and everyone in my life.  I've made promises to hang out with both Diane and her brothers, I hate only seeing them twice a year.

All things considered I'm doing really well.  My counter manager got me sick for the 2nd time in 2 months, waaaah.  Work is going well, life is going well.  I had an unfortunate realization that I have to (on paper) redefine my friendship with an old friend.  It's funny...I've always had the "I care about you more than you care about me" thing with her, but in the past when this would slap up in my face I would cry and whine and be a bitch, and now I'm just like okay...let's lower our expectations and then we can enjoy what we have.  BOOM!  Codependent no more!

TK Alumnae was this past Friday.  I got to see a lot of friends, so while I'm not happy that they're there, I'm happy I got to see them.  The speaker was REALLY good, too.  I wish I could remember her name.  She actually had her shit together and knew what she was saying, and I really related to her.  She also shared something that really hit me...She said she asked Dr. Kim once, "Will I ever be able to have sex and enjoy it?"  And of course DK said yes, and now a few years later she told us it's possible and it happens.  That brought me some relief, that some day I might not be terrified of everything right down to SAYING the word "sex."  Sex is kind of necessary to have those 4 kids I want.  Ugh I hate even TYPING that :(((

Interesting that that should come up now.  Tomorrow......fuck dude.  I'm having nightmares about everything now, both flashback nightmares and any type of "what if" situation that my brain could possibly come up with.  Mostly it's "what if he (or anyone involved) shows up at my work?"  And so my brain plays out every worst-case scenario possible.  And even impossible, I guess... I think I'll be safe tomorrow.  I'm working til 6, then going to Ali's, packin bottles of sparkling juice too :)
I'm kind of setting myself up for disappointment...I don't know how to word it.  I'm expecting to be just fine tomorrow.  I know I'll be nervous and anxious, but I don't plan on being any worse.  So, while I know anything could happen, I feel like if it does, I'll just fall apart.  Kind of like there are no parts of my recovery, just one whole, and if anything happens, well, everything will slide.  I know that doesn't have to happen.  I'm just worrying/future-predicting because I'm so good at it.   Hopefully I can sleep tonight...

Here's to making 2013 my bitch!
Happy new year, friends :)

Never gonna get it never gonna get it

So distracted!  My computer is dead.  Piece of shit.  SO I'm sharing the family computer for the first time in...9 years?  And of course the TV is on behind me.  I'm trying to focus on what I want to write. 
So!
December 17th, I hit 3 months self-harm free!  And I don't know how long it's been since I purged but it's been a while!  The ED is still there, of course, just acting in different ways.  And the numbers are just fantastic, which is just spurring the whole thing on.  I know it's bad and wrong and fucked up but I can't stop now. And I know some jerk from TK (mark) would probably say Can't, or won't?  Can it be both?  The both/and?  The dialectic?  Bahaha throwing TKisms right back at you SUCK IT.

Anyway.  OKCupid is going pretty well.  It's entertaining, at least.  I've found a few winners amidst the crazies and dirty old men asking me to be a part of their threesome.  Yeah...4 times.  Oh and also my high school douche of a boyfriend, who rated me 5 stars!  Hahaha loser.  But yes I've found a couple promising new friends.  I talked to one of them last night for over 2 hours, we even talked about mental illness, it was pretty cool.  I've only talked to him a couple times though, so I don't plan on running off to meet him anytime soon.  So calm down.  Apparently I have amazing eyes.  Thanks genetics!

So, it's my birthweek.  This week is always frustrating...I'm really frustrated this year, I think, because I'm this brand new person who has tossed codependency in the trash, and yet I'm still really pissed off about the fact the people STILL ignore my birthday.  Yeah, I get to do dinner with my parents, Jim and Vicky, which is always awesome (hibachiiii!).  I only kept 2 of my friends from the past around, and they're both basically ignoring me.  I'm really not going borderline crazy here.  There's no reason why they need to be ignoring my calls/texts/messages, and for one of them it's been a month.  Although this has happened in the past...maybe I was just setting myself up for reenactment.  BIG SIGH.

I wish I could really sigh, but my lungs are all seized up with anxiety again.  I can't tell what I'm anxious about.  The timing, yes.  Probably because I have therapy tomorrow.  I don't know.  2 nights ago I actually slept without nightmares, or at least without remembering any.  It was delicious.
Tomorrow will be an absolutely action-packed day off: Laundry, DMV, and therapy.  At least I get to go to the library.  I need books.

I also have to move myself back into my room from the basement :(((((

Here's to hoping your day will be better than mine!  Cheers.

 

I FUCKING LOVE GRUMPY CAT



Hunt you down all nightmare long

Blerg.  Nightmares and flashbacks are back FULL FORCE. :(((((  And now I'm having flashbacks OF my nightmares!  What the fuck?
This is triggering.  Don't say I didn't warn you.

I'm in a stereotypical nightmare scene, set in an alley at night, with one harsh fluorescent light casting a circle of light on the wet, potholed asphalt.  Between two old brick buildings, I don't know how tall or what color, everything is gray except the people.  I'm with someone else, someone younger, maybe a girl.  She's weak and dirty and bruised, and I'm there to help her.  I keep trying to pull her to her feet, telling her urgently that she has to get up and move.  She has to leave because bad things are happening and we can't stop them.  Her clothes are ratty and look more like burlap sacks.  She's skinny, really skinny, and her hair is long and dark and matted to her head.  She screams and falls down in fear, and then I see them.  Men, dozens of them, closing in, closing off the exit from the alley.  I pick her up onto her feet and when I look up again they are all around. Again, stereotypical crime tv show scene, shaved heads, wearing jeans with chains and wifebeaters.  Looking like lions choosing prey.  No.  Looking like men picking someone to rape and kill.  She is standing now, and I put her behind me but it doesn't really matter because they're on all sides.  I'm fighting, kicking and punching and diving, but they're just laughing and keep pressing in on all sides.  Eventually they completely close in, they are laughing and licking their lips and they have evil in their eyes.  The light fades as if something is closing around the bulb in a circle as well.  There are hands everywhere, touching and pushing and just running everywhere, especially on my face and hair and neck, they're sweaty and dirty hands.  The girl isn't there anymore.  I have only one option of possible rescue, and that is to scream, scream as loud as I can and hope someone hears me.  I open my mouth and no one stops me, because the only sound coming out is a hoarse rasp because I'm too scared to make noise.  I keep trying though, and they're all laughing, and I just keep trying to scream.  Then I'm on the dirty ground and it's wet and gravelly and rough and I can barely see the light above me because all of their heads have closed in and they're watching me.  Now water is falling on my face and I'm in the tattered ripped cloth that the girl was wearing, because now I'm her, and then it's gone and I'm naked and just being touched roughly everywhere, body and face pushed into the dirty wet ground and I can't close my eyes. They're all laughing and getting ready, they're all unbuckling their belts and pants and watching.  There's so many.  I'm on the ground face down.  And then I think oddly about the road rash I'm going to have after every thrust drives my face and front into the gravel.  I can't scream anymore.

This is the scene I have been reliving day and night over and over for days.  I'm not taking trazodone, I can't sleep.  I just can't.  What am I going to do?  I just feel weak, I'm just...spent.

I DRIVE A DODGE STRATUS.

I have to work 7:15-11:15.  Tonight will be the first of 5 of that same shift in the next week.  F my L dude. I don't want to do this.  And also I'm a sick panda.  GRAAAWRRRR.

It's about time for my arrival UH. what.

WOW my blog has been viewed over 4050 times!  People, get lives! No please don't my self-esteem depends on you....omgjklolroflcopter.

I'm trying to figure out if I really want to find people to date (hence the online dating), if I'm READY to date, and of course if I'm just setting myself up for some kind of trauma reenactment because anniversary date is coming up.  UGH EMOTIONS. EXPLAIN YOURSELVES.
Also I totes found a friend from junior high/high school on the website.  Awk.

You know what?  People don't understand the real, hard-hitting issues that are in my brain constantly.  Most of the time I keep these perplexing thoughts to myself.  MOST of the time.  So in case you're wondering what plagues my restless mind...Why do I always have to poop once I lay down for bed?  Why?? Cause I know when I get up in the morning I won't have to/won't be able to.  Where does it all go?  Does God think it's funny that I have to go AFTER I've taken my meds and won't be able to stumble my way up the stairs to the bathroom?
I say "up" the stairs because I am still sleeping in my basement.  It's clean and smells good down here and since my dad got this little job thingy it doesn't smell like man cave/sweat lodge anymore.  Also my room is ridiculously overwhelming to even look at and it makes me want to jump out a fucking window.  I need to move back upstairs though...I keep forgetting that I'm sleeping in a daybed so I have bruises from hitting/kicking the bars while I sleep.  And also a big bump on my forehead from doing the same.  Nightmares+metal-barred-bed=way to go, Boyer.

No wonder my mom gave me the prayer card for St. Jude so many years ago.  "He's the patron saint for hopeless causes."  Haha, oh mom.  OH BARB. Babar.  Lady.

My therapist is a twi-hard.  Team Edward all the way, yeah buddy?

Now I'm just trying to think of all the random shit on my mind, because my mind truly is a strange and ridiculous place.

I have this apple cutter...and it's square shaped.  Every time I slice an apple I have to cut off the sides so that it's shaped like a square.  Who invented this?  Who thought this was a good idea?  More importantly, who thought it was a good idea to buy this?  NOT ME.  APPLES ARE NOT SQUARE.

Let's think of one more ridiculous thing to finish this bad boy up.  Ummmm...me and Ali are both baby crazy.  And I was going to edit that last sentence but instead thought I'd leave it and tell you all just how upset I am that I wrote "me and Ali."  That is not proper grammar mechanics.  RED PENCIL NAZI.  I love babies.  I can't wait til Jim and Vicky have kids ahhhhhhh Aunt Julie best aunt everrrrrrr.....

Also I want to change my last name argh.  I either need to get married asap or become a Broadway star overnight so I can use an equity name.  Basically we just drop the last name.  Julie O'Carroll.  LOVE IT.

I think that about wraps up the insanity going on in my head right now.  I mean, not really, but there's a little taste for you.  It's about time I posted something other than misery on here.

Good night, friends and loved ones.  And therapist.

And nothing else matters

I was right, and everyone was right.  I was convinced that I wasn't avoiding my emotions, just channeling them productively into something beautiful.  Yeah, I was productive, and I helped make something amazing.  Then I thought, yay, 9 hour work day, more productivity.  No.  I can't stop crying.  I feel lost, hopeless, helpless.  I feel like everything is so insignificant.  How do so many stupid and pointless things matter so much?  Wealth, beauty, status, who cares?  WHY?  I'm so angry with the emphasis people put on these things and then lives are lost in the chaos.
That's not really what I'm upset about.  I was trying to put words to my feelings and the only thing I could come up with was sad.  I literally said "I'm so sad."  I guess to elaborate it would be crushed...devastated...in despair.  Those sound dramatic.  Whatever.
I was so strong for everyone around me.  I think I know how my mom must feel.  She doesn't get to let her emotions out because my father and I suck the life out of her.  Especially me...I'm such an emotional handful, and my dad doesn't care about people, she has no one to go to.  Now I feel sad and like a terrible person.  When I feel like this I start beating the shit out of myself emotionally.  I'm also upset that I can't be that strong person for others anymore...not now anyway.  Ever?  It was just a facade, a front.  A lie.  I was lying to everyone and definitely lying to myself.  I didn't even cry at the memorial...
I had very strong urges to cut tonight.  And for the first time in months, I felt like I wanted to be dead.  I didn't want to kill myself...I just want to exist in nothingness for a while.  I went outside to smoke and it's so foggy I couldn't even see across the street.  If I could just float in that, for a little while...
I hate wanting to be emotionally dead.  I hate that things happen to make me feel this way, just as I hate how nothing in the world could have eased Ariel's pain.  I know I will wake up tomorrow and it will be a new day.  I know I need to start worrying when every day feels the same.  I just hate living this way, with these demons.  Fuck.

If you ever feel like you're nothing, you are perfect to me

Today was the memorial.  It was absolutely beautiful, Father Gavin is my hero in all things Catholic and wonderful.  There was a great turnout, though I was very sad to see that NO TK staff came.  VERY upset that one of Ariel's favorite BHSs wouldn't come because she "had a concert that started at 6:30."  I haven't liked that bitch since our freshman year of high school, I didn't like that bitch when she had to listen to me pee, and I certainly don't like that bitch now.  I feel like that's the only thing Ariel would be really upset about.  The rest of it though...she was definitely there, in the room with us.  Yelling at us for crying, doing cartwheels...singing her favorite songs with me, making my voice strong when it shook.  This whole week was emotional hell, so much stress and anxiety and on the brink of despair...thank God for the TK community.  I don't credit all of my strength to the "new" post-TK Julie, I credit the majority of it to my amazing support network.  I couldn't get by without them.  It was also a giant help and comfort to have Peter (GBF) by my side, once again playing piano and singing with me.  PB+J reunited :)
I'm exhausted, so I'm going to post something I wrote that was read at the service.  God bless you all, I love you.

When someone we love leaves us in the way that Ariel did, we have many questions. One of the most common questions is, what could I have done to prevent this? Could I have loved her better?
The response to that question is that a suicide has nothing to do with love. It has to do with pain.
Talking about suicide and love is like comparing apples to oranges. When a person takes her life, she is making a statement, and that statement is that the pain in her life had become intolerable, and she could no longer tolerate the pain. She ran out of steam. The pain reached such a level that the only way out was to end her life.
Love is incapable of piercing and healing the pain that engulfed Ariel’s soul. She could not conceive of another answer. Suicide was the only way to escape her pain. The pain from mental illness is so powerful that it has the ability to distort reality, and suicide makes all the sense in the world.
Human love can enhance the happiness and peace of the soul, but it is impossible to heal a soul or create happiness where there is none. We can only hope to enhance the happiness and peace of those around us, those of us who survive. To enhance each other’s lives so that we may not just see the light, but can bask in its warmth and love.