It's certainly been a while since I logged on here. I'd like to say it's mostly because my internet connection sucks, but anyone in the sick/recovery community knows that's just a convenient way to avoid the truth of my emotions.
In recovery, we know that there are bound to be ups and downs; and with my disorders, they can vary greatly in intensity. Lately, I have been down. I have been intensely down. Any time I try to talk to someone outside of "the community," I am always asked the same question: "What happened?" Here's the answer: Why does that matter? Not every mood swing or cycle is brought on by an event. A better question would be, "What's been going on?" I'll tell you what's been going on.
**I have written and deleted this paragraph 3 times. Let's try again with the present.**
And I did it again. I'm losing the motivation to even write this. I'll try. No promises.
Lately I have been overwhelmed with feelings of worthlessness, uselessness, and self disgust. I am disgusting, especially physically, and if I were prettier and skinnier, I would be moving up in the world how I expected. I could type all the ways my brain rationalizes this, but I can already hear the blah blah blahs coming from people looking to debate me. It doesn't matter how much I know how wrong it is, I've grown up with this belief and it's not going away anytime soon.
I feel completely worthless. I can't save money, I can't get my shit together, my room is a wreck, my account is negative, I'm stuck in my position at work because every opportunity I find is squashed.. I've simply lost all motivation to change things. It's useless, I used to be motivated and I used to do new things. I found a really good gig, and people can't keep their god damn mouths shut, so that was taken from me too.
On the other end of the spectrum, I believe I am WAY TOO GOOD to be doing what I am doing. I have way too much talent, experience, and so many goals, so many ways I could be helping the world. But then I am brought back to how worthless I am; how stuck. I've tried to change it, I really have. It's not enough. I have no energy to fight this beast anymore. No motivation. Everything I've tried has failed.
I feel like I can't break this cycle without outside intervention (winning the lottery would be nice).
I have more but it's all jumbling in my head now.
