I'm a bitch

I am SELFISH.  Didn't you know that?  Everyone knows that.

I Have Nothing

Good song, rest in peace dear Whitney.

I'm just speechless.  Some people...I once again find myself letting how others feel about me determine how I feel about myself.  Just can't seem to get it through my head that most people are assholes/bitches and aren't worth my time.  Sad :(

“Approval is overrated. Approval and disapproval alike satisfy those who deliver it more than those who receive it.”


“In the lives of children, pumpkins turn into coaches, mice and rats turn into men. When we grow up, we realize it is far more common for men to turn into rats.”


Both quotes courtesy of Gregory Maguire

Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!

Talked to Timberline today. Could take me as early as tomorrow. ANXIETY, GO!  :(

Bipolar 1s Have All the Fun.

I know that's not true.  But if I have to have bipolar disorder, why do I have to have bipolar 2?  Hypomania SUCKS.  It's like having the energy and lack of needing sleep of mania, but you WANT to sleep! Couple that with INTENSE anxiety all day and boom, fun day!  Plus hypomania doesn't FEEL good...you can still feel shitty and depressed and anxious and irritable all at the same time.  I'm praying this isn't a long episode...I'm supposed to be weaning off of valium but I had to take a full dose tonight, praying it will force my body to sleep.
Still haven't heard from Timberline, which is DEFINITELY a huge part of the anxiety.  (Please note, general daily stress is VERY different from an anxiety disorder.  Call me when your pulse is 160--resting--and it feels like someone has an iron grip on your lungs.)   Then the paranoia and nervous tics set in.  I was actually kind of excited that I woke up at 5am, cause I thought well hey, I can watch 3 hours of Will and Grace at 7, then get all showered and pretty, then meet Greg for lunch!  No such luck.  Thanks mental illness, you're a real peach.
All these symptoms aside, I'm noticing my depression isn't rearing its ugly head too often, so my mind is in a better place to do some serious thinking about myself.  While I can't always stop my automatic negative thoughts, I'm able to contradict them; to say Shut up, self, you are NOT worthless, you are NOT (always) annoying, and people DO like you!  I guess it's part of the process of relearning to like, and then love, myself.  They say you can't help or love anyone else until you help and love yourself.  Well, I'm helping myself.  And while it might be 3 steps forward 1 step back, day by day I get a little bit closer to believing in myself.  I am not a failure, and everything I have set my mind to I have kicked ass at, so take that, depression.  Suck it.
I need to love myself.  I have so much love for others that I neglect myself.  I hate this term but for lack of better words, I have a "crush," or "feelings for" someone, and I can't devote myself to anyone while neglecting myself.  I can't depend on others to boost my mood, feed my ego and determine my self worth.  That is MY job.  Recovery is possible, but no one said it was fast or easy (or cheap).  As long as I have support along the way, I truly believe I will get to where I want to be.  No, there is no cure, but there is manageability and recovery.  I like to imagine Rob Schneider in The Water Boy cheering me on.  YOU CAN DO EET!
On that note of positive self-talk, I'm going to go attempt sleep.  I have a range of things that need to be done tomorrow, most of which I'm not looking forward to...but hopefully I'll make it out to get my bushly eyebrows taken care of FINALLY!

Good night moon.

Drip Drip Drop Little April Shower

Well, I shouldn't write about having nothing to do all day or night...ended up making a 3-hour round-trip drive to Rockford!  88 is scary and dark at night. 

Had a do-over today.  Lots of fun, minus some mood swings (and actually not from me!) and negativity.  BUT good times with good friends nonetheless.  Thought one person might have been a little nicer since I rescued his love last night, but oh well, this is how things go. 

My little group has such an interesting dynamic; such different personalities and outlooks.  Makes for interesting interactions.  This little group makes me truly appreciative of the few pure, genuine gentlemen of the world.  There aren't enough.  There are men who can be gentlemen when a situation requires it, and then there are men for whom it is simply second nature.  Kudos.

Off to bed now...hoping I don't turn my alarm off in my sleep (again) and can get to Honda of Lisle nice n early for an oil change and to figure out why my car sounds like it's going to explode.  And I just ran out of wiper fluid, so it's another sign from the universe sent especially for me.  "GET YOUR FUCKING OIL CHANGED.  Love, Universe. Hopefully I can be well rested and get shtuff DONE, including harrassing TK again about when the eff I'm going to their silly program.  Maybe I can sneak some fun into the day too, liiiiiike Hunger Games with Sarita??  I hope so.  We shall see :)

Good night Loverfaces.

Uh oh

So I have NOTHING to do all day and night....idle time is when my mind goes to bad places.  I wish I could go see The Hunger Games.

4/20

Also, bragging about or "celebrating" 4/20 is stupid.  We get it, you get higher today than any other day.  Congratulations, your future looks just so bright.  Shut up about it.  The rest of us will just have to think about Hitler and Columbine.

Nobubby Knoooooows da Trubble Ah Seeeeeen

I have to stop thinking.  Just altogether.  All I think of is what I've done wrong to people, or if I've hurt them, or why they aren't begging at my feet for my very attention 24/7.  I haven't done anything wrong or hurtful, and people are people.  Now I will repeat that in my brain 495349583749585293822 times.  Vicky always says not to let other people's lives dictate my own...but now I'm letting my ASSUMPTIONS (which I know are FALSE) dictate how I feel!  Ahhhh I'm a MESS!  Oh and though they told me they'd have a date for me by today, when I called TK the useless lady was like "Ohh, it could be like....next week?"  Oh my god I want to pull my hair out.  Being paranoid and playing the waiting game at the same time SUCKS.  DISTRACTION PLEASE! 

Haven't heard from you today, Sarita...absorbed in projects?

Hmm

Qu'est-ce que c'est, l'amour? Je souhaite que je le sais dans le futur. Je pense que l'amour est mon frere et se fiancee. Pas parfait, mais...parfait pour qu'est-ce que c'est. Je le veux!

Mas despasio, Julie!

Je Suis Trop Folle. Oui, Autre Vez.

*SIGH*

Sorry. My actual physical sigh didn't satisfy me. Mais j'aime parler en francais ici...le francais que je n'ai pas oublier! Y espanol. J'aime parler les autres langues. Possiblement je suis folle, mais je parle trois langues, alors, je suis intellegente! Yeah keep telling myself that. FOU.

un peu de français? tu m'inspires. je veux être avec toi.

I'll Stand By You

Sadly, I don't think it was meant to be. Thanks, universe. One day, someone will believe in the words of this song, and mean it...I hope.

Hey, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and talk to me now
Don't be afraid to cry
Let me see you through
'Cause I've seen the dark side, too

When the night falls on you,
You don't know what to do
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less

I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you

So, if you're mad, get mad
Don't hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now
Why you got to hide?
I get angry too
Well I'm a lot like you

When the night falls on you
You don't know which path to choose
Let me come along,
'Cause even if you're wrong
I'll stand by you

I'll stand by you
And I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you



I need someone to stand by me...maybe I sound too needy or codependent...I'm not, I'm just...I just wish I had that someone.

Sleepless

Shook up. Had an intense therapy session yesterday, and tonight somehow let myself get sucked into the movie based on the book "Speak," which is almost my exact situation, only I wasn't in high school. Somehow got my hand to switch the remote to 30 Rock and Hairspray. Still feel like shit. Can't wait to get the treatment I need.

WOW

OVER 2000 VIEWS!!!! I haven't felt this popular since I was in band in junior high!


*cough*

Just some lyrics

My mom didn't "get" this song when it was on the radio so I said I'd post the lyrics here. "Perfect" by Pink.

Made a wrong turn, once or twice
Dug my way out, blood and fire
Bad decisions, that's alright
Welcome to my silly life

Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss "No way, it's all good"
It didn't slow me down
Mistaken, always second guessing, underestimated
Look, I'm still around.

Pretty pretty please
Don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect
Pretty pretty please
If you ever ever feel
Like you're nothing
You are perfect
To me.

You're so mean when you talk about yourself
You were wrong
Change the voices in your head
Make them like you instead

So complicated, look how we all make it
Filled with so much hatred...such a tired game
It's enough, I've done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons
I've seen you do the same

Pretty pretty please
Don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect
Pretty pretty please
If you ever ever feel
Like you're nothing
You are perfect
To me.


There are more words but these are the important ones. Cheers!

Hulk Smaaaaash

I'm angry. I know we all wish everything would go our way, but when you make plans, is it wrong to be angry when they change without your knowledge or any consideration? My therapist told me I need to work on my relationships, especially getting into dating. My walls are so high, it takes a special person to break through. And I found that person, and he is amazing...smarter than anyone I've ever met, considerate, kind, intuitive, thoughtful, insightful, beautiful eyes, and all around the (I know, improper English) most good person, especially in the male category, that I've ever known.

But I'm a crazy psychotic nutjob. He already had his bout with the mentally ill, what about me could POSSIBLY attract someone like him? Or...ANYONE!? If I don't love myself, and I don't, why do I feel like I deserve to have someone to love me? I don't see good qualities in myself. I see failure after failure, and my last option of hardcore treatment fell through, thank you very much blue cross blue shield.

People say I'm strong. MASK. People say I'm smart. COSTUME. (few) People say I'm pretty. MASK COSTUME AND MAKEUP.

I'm broken. I am constantly reminded to remember that I am a person. No I'm not. Not to everyone else. To everyone else the most human I am is when they need someone to hang out with. Otherwise I am an object; damaged goods. The dented can that people only buy because it's on sale.

What I would really love is to just give up. To be a complete vegetable. I don't want to work or see people or do anything that provokes emotion. At this moment, I want to be left alone. To lay in bed all day and all night and just let everyone forget about me. To not have thoughts. Except maybe a TV that plays nothing but 30 Rock. And MST3K. I've been struggling and fighting and surviving all my life....I'm just so...tired. Wake me up when they invent a miracle treatment that will erase all the crazy in me. I'd rather be a zombie than deal with these thoughts every day.

QUESTION!

If I don't personally know you, leave me a comment and tell me how you find my blog and why you read it. Just curious. Thanks!

Gregor

Thank you.

JCBoyer08@gmail.com

Credit Where Credit is Due

I have to thank whatever higher power, or fate, or coincidence, or whatever brought certain people into my life. I spent all day in crying spells and hiding in my bed, as if my blankets could ward off the evil thoughts. Then I dragged myself out, decided to go with the opposite-to-emotion skill set, and met with a new, but rapidly becoming best, friend. 2 hours later, I felt so much better. She knows just what to say and just how to react to what I have to say. I am blessed to have her in my life. We then left to meet up with the usual suspects. Watched a couple terrible movies and just dicked around like usual. And it was just what I needed. I need these little reminders that I DO have things/people to live for, and some people DO actually care about me and my well being. It's sad that that's a difficult concept for me to grasp. After years of being convinced that anyone who was nice to me must have had an ulterior motive, I'm finally starting to feel like people just might actually like me. For me. A few weeks ago, before my most recent hospitalization, I ended up (drunkenly) spilling all my feelings to a friend, and of course started crying. When I said something along the lines of Oh no my makeup is running, he said "Who cares if your makeup runs? You'll still be beautiful." I haven't felt so touched in...ever? He is such an amazing person and I often question why I am so fortunate to know him. My mom always says God works in mysterious ways. Fact is, before any diagnoses or hospitalizations, all my friends were terrible, backstabbers, dramatic bitches, etc. And now all of my closest friends are people I have met through NAMI. I wouldn't know these amazing people if life hadn't put me through the ringer. Through the bad comes some level of good, right?
Lastly, I have to say how unbelievably grateful I am for my mom. Never once have I questioned her love for me, and every day she gives me another reason to thank God I got so lucky. I am very fortunate to have someone whose love is equal to that of 2 parents.

So there's my gratitude for the moment. I only hope life will be kind to these people. We've all been through enough...

God bless and good night.

Circles

Life is just spinning. Too fast. Thoughts are racing. Can't focus on skills. I wanna get off this ride please.