CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!!!

I am SO incredibly happy!!!!!! My brother and Vicky are finally engaged!!! He proposed on Christmas and HOW everyone hid it from me I'll never know but AHHHH I'm so happy!!!! I literally could NOT ask for a better person to officially become part of my family. Jim and Vic I'm SO happy for you and I can't wait to see the future unfold!! I got great presents for my bday but this trumps EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EXLAIMATION POINTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Merry Fuckitall

I'm crying and depressed and having suicidal ideations. Oh and hey, it's my birthday. Wouldn't know it by the way anyone's doing anything, though. But I feel like if I got my feelings out here or even in a private journal I'd be acting selfish. Everyone's too stressed out to care. Or they just think I'm acting like a baby. Dear god WHEN WILL THIS SHIT BE OVER!?

Old friends and bookends

I met a fun new person at DBT, and we're like, exactly the same person. I'm so glad I've met her, but is it sad that all the things we have in common are horrible illnesses and traumatic events? I guess whatever brings people together is good, but I hope one day we'll have something other to talk about than mental illness, self-injury and rape.

Saving Myself from Myself

So the idea of a book title came into my head, and now I must write a book. This is probably a pipe dream but maybe some day, when I'm super stable (it will come!) I'll compile some of these blog posts with a type of comical autobiography, somewhere near the self-help section (aww geez). It'll be called "How I Saved Myself From Myself." I like it! Effing meds make it so hard to blog at night cause when they set in it's like BOOM SLEEP, LET'S DO THIS. Suck it meds I'ma gonna plow on through. So I went to my first NAMI meeting in liiiike 6 months. It was a little anxiety-inducing. I had forgotten how most people are not in an optimistic place like me, and so hearing people's issues had me feeling for them, and brought up some pretty recent thoughts and feelings. But I was able to separate myself, and not let myself own someone else's issues, feeling like I must help them. Can't help anyone until you help yourself, and I'll be in that process for a long time. I'm dealing with it. Then went to Portillo's with a couple friends from the group, like old times, and just unloaded and got my anxiety down.
I start this DBT group on Monday, I'm pretty excited about it, a little nervous. I saw my therapist yesterday, she's so good. I unearthed the envelope full of Get Well cards crudely drawn on construction paper from my first hospitalization, from the "sisters" of SAI. It made me furious. Liz (the therapist) had a good idea. She told me to write a letter to the people who made my life a living hell and get all my feelings and anger on paper. Then to staple it to the envelope, and burn it. Safely of course. I think it's a fantastic idea, considering it was 4 years ago and I still harbor ALL this hate, anger and feelings of them ruining my life. Step by step, gotta get those past triggers of anger out of my life; because what are they now? Nothing. It happened, it's over, it's nothing. So why let it bring me down? Suck it bitches! :P
I'm a little nervous about going back to work...getting thrown back into it...no, throwing myself back into it, full time, right before the holidays. But I'd like to get a little money before Christmas to MAYBE have enough to buy at least my parents a present. I'll really have to utilize my coping skills and not let angry customers effect how I feel. This wonderful season really tens to bring out the worst in people, which is really sad, and they take it out on the low retail employees. Seriously, shop online, people! I don't need any grinches right before Christmas!
Anyway, trazodone is getting the best of me, and I think I've written enough.
Bonne nuit, tous le monde!

Mmm Bop

I just want to say that, as of posting this, I can't believe this page has been viewed 1336 times. Come on people, get a life! Noooo don't this is what feeds my self-esteem...hahaha

Hey Vicky what's up?

I'm feeling better by the day, just really tired...wonder if that's a side effect to something. Oh well, I see the doctor in less than a week, so I'm going to discuss my meds and hoping we can get rid of some and still keep me sane...I'm sick of taking soooo many meds every day.
Thanksgiving was a big success if you ask me. I missed Jim and Vicky lots but at least my out-of-their-minds cousins kept me occupied and laughing. So glad I was out of the hospital for that day!
Having second Thanksgiving tonight...party on! Basically it's just everything reheated but it is reheated DELICIOUSNESS.
I think this is my first positive post in a long time...as we discovered in the hospital (and by we I mean myself and my favorite counselor), the reason I stay so depressed and angsty and difficult all the time is because it's just easier. Getting to a better state of mind and making myself positive is hard work, and I was just too lazy to work on myself. So I started with the principle of "fake it til you make it," and I genuinely think I'm in a better place. I still have some irritability issues, but I'm hoping this new DBT program with help. I was told I've gotten as much out of CBT as I could, and that DBT would teach me how to really change my outlook on life and live a much fuller, gracious life. I hope so! They have a therapist open there but the group is full for at least a month, but hopefully I can see both my therapist and the new one in Elmhurst.
I really want these new coping skills so I can learn how to deal with the one-year anniversary of the trauma last New Year's. I don't want to end up back in the hospital...however, if it is where I feel safe, then I will go. Maybe only a week or less deal. I can be strong but I can also realize when I need help and a safety net, and I think that is very strong. Not a set-back, just some maintenance and a place to keep myself safe. But hopefully I won't need it.
Anyhow, I'm exhausted so I'm going to take a little napparoo.
Stay classy, San Diego.

Hullerrrrr

Short again, very tired. Old scars right next to healing wounds. I smell a metaphor. Or a poem. Or a metaphore within a poem. Or a Papa Roach song.

Hops

Out of the hospital. Again. 16 days this time. Hoping I don't end up back there for New Years. Cried at dinner...want to go back.

What's the haps

Had to take med leave to avoid being fired. Terrible day. School instructor was a total bitch. Worse day. Taking all my meds, but slipping deeper into suicidal depression. Already in it, but working my way into the tarpit, inescapable part of it. Not by choice. But when you're home alone with nothing to do all the time, what else is there to dwell on?
From time to time I have auditory hallucinations, and today after my parents left for dinner I was lying down, and was hearing all the sounds of a home invasion. Like, heavy footsteps walking and banging into things, those footsteps coming up the stairs and walking into other rooms, holding my breath so they wouldn't hear me. I was going to grab my phone to call 911, but A I wasn't sure it was real, and B part of me was reasonably excited that someone might burst in and kill me.
I just want to finish my finals so I can get my certification, and then once I die they can actually say I accomplished ONE thing in my life.
I'm just crying or sleeping all the time and it's all I have energy for. I have a party to look forward to on Saturday but at this point I'm like, who cares. I have no costume, all the ideas I have are too difficult/expensive, too overdone, or too stupid. Halloween was my favorite holiday of all time, and now I just wish it would pass.
Also, for one fucking occasion, I wish someone ELSE would invite ME somewhere. If I ever want to see anyone, I always have to make contact and sound desperate and pitiful. No one invites me out or invites me over, I've overstayed my welcome with my brother and his gf. It's obvious. I used to have friends. What the fuck happened to my life? I was always out, life of the party, having a blast. Now I haven't left my house in AGES except for doctor's appointments, class and, before last week, work. I have no one to do anything with because they've already done it. Or they're covering my stupid hours at work, which were undeservingly shoved at them. I'm just that annoying, I suppose. I see people writing "Miss you!" on each other's facebooks when they see each other almost every day. No one misses me. Hell, I wouldn't. What a downer. fml.

I'm feeling suicidal again. Hmm.

ksjadgpkjb

No meds for another 2 days. Having nightmares. I am a terrifying force to be reckoned with. Will probably have to skip dinner with my brother and Vicky tomorrow.
At what point after hearing that I have not taken my meds, exactly, do you think it is appropriate or that I will be receptive to hearing your stupid bitching? Right. Idiots.

Keep on Truckin.

Yup.

Spinning the Wheel of DUH

I'm apparently very sensitive or fragile at the moment. Months ago I get told a very good friend of mine (who, again, I care much more about than she does for me) from college is moving back to Chicago. I'm all super excited, and she's sharing this excitement with her old friends but nada with me. She even wrote on my facebook and everything but she has no desire to see me. I finally get excited that I will have one friend in the area, but no, I really don't. Apparently all the good times we spent in college are over and she's all grown up and doesn't need to associate with me. STORY OF MY FUCKING LIFE. Vicious circles of caring for someone and receiving nothing in return. Why bless me with compassion and caring and love of being social and having friends when all that happens is people are taken away from me and my good traits are wasted into nothing? This is why I have no friends, I can't let anyone in for fear it will happen all over again. I'm sick of this.

Don't tell me to be Positive.

It's about time I started using this again. If you couldn't tell I usually only do when I'm on a downward cycle. I'm so tired of this vicious circle. I'll be fine, I have been since April, but I really think it was just on the surface, just kidding myself. I always have the "no friends" constant reminder. I go to work, I come home, eat dinner with my parents, and go to bed. I miss having people around me, I miss feeling wanted in a group. Although I don't remember the last time that was, at least not superficially or in the hospital. I still miss the hospital. I miss the sense of community and that there were so many people knowing what I go through every day and why I do things like cut myself or want to die because my life is shit. A bipolar/borderline mind can't embrace the goodness of life, or just the goodness of being alive. I see the negative in everything, I question everyone's motives when they're nice to me. I single handedly pushed everyone who may or may not have cared about me out of my life. I think I must have built tolerance to my meds, it doesn't feel like they're working. I know I need a therapist but jesus christ there's just no time. Once again I find myself hating life. I can't stand certain people at work. I'm getting more and more irritable with my parents. I have nowhere to turn to and I find myself trapped in my own head yet again, and scars tell the story of where that has led. This is the first time I've cried in months. Let myself cry, I guess. I'm not meant to be alone, I'm not meant to not go out and have a good time with people who love me. But here I am. I'm annoying and make people feel obligated to be around me. I'm good at my job but it's so much pressure, and I don't know if things have changed, like me doing a lot more admin duty than I used to and being acknowledged as a leader but being used for it as well...or if my mind is just making me feel it. I went to the Halloween store today and was trying on wigs and costumes and realized the only thing I have to dress up for is work. No parties, no hanging out with friends who all have plans. I feel useless. I feel like a big nothing.

I just had to get some stuff off my chest.

Kiss today goodbye

Don't go :(

Anyone? Anyone?

Anyone still checking this?

wrongwrongwrong

Everything I do is wrong. I'm whining. That's wrong. I've been cutting. That's wrong. I NEED TO BE BACK IN A HOSPITAL. Apparently that's wrong too.

Depression

If a depressed person wants to sleep all day, they are going to sleep all day. If a depressed person wants to eat half a bowl of cereal and forget all the shit they left out, they're going to. What a person with depression needs is compassion and understanding and to be left alone a little bit. I don't need some asshole coming to my door to tell me I need to leave my bed, go back downstairs, and put away a box of cereal. I'm sorry I'll do it later. Fuck you asshole.

I fucking hate this house, I really hope TAP comes through quick! It really is my parents that make me want to hurt myself. How do you deal with that when you're stuck at home??

Ploys

I wonder if my mom left a freaking POCKET KNIFE in my room on purpose. Needless to say there's a new gash in my arm. Hospitalization doesn't work, meds don't work, and I'm terrified of the world to the point of crying. I'm just so depressed that I forgot how to live. I really hope TAP comes through. I'm back at home now. "Home." I feel like a stranger here. Had to take 2 klonopin tonight to ward off the impending panic attack. Gonna try to sleep now.

Friendship is as Friendship Does

Fuckin bitch. Unappreciative, selfish bitch. You are everything a friend shouldn't be.

Yet here I am, same place as 6 months ago, happy to have a shitty friend over no friend. Go away, Borderline.

Trip Blog 2: "Palmetto bug is just a nice word for roach"

Today was HOT. Spent a few hours at the pool, napped. Had the greatest fresh seafood at Charlie's Reef Grill. Fresh calamari, shrimp, scallops and mahi mahi. MMMMM. That's about it. Visiting my dad's cousin by Lauderdale tomorrow. Watching Castle now :) Night loves!

Trip Blog 1

Hey all, writing to you from my ocean front balcony in West Palm Beach, Florida! First, my bit of good news: I got the promotion at work! Full time baby! Now, today. Fortunately my room is separated from my parents at the condo. UNfortunately it consists of 2 TWIN beds and that's it. I'm gonna fall out before this week is done. At least I get my own bathroom though! Woohoo! The flight was fantastic, as stressed as I was about flying alone it rocked. Breezed through security (with 2 lighters--GET ON THAT SHIT, O'HARE!), had an aisle seat but then NO one else in my row showed up so I had the whole row to myself. Moved to the window and slept through half the flight. Got in about 20 minutes early and had time for a smoke before my parents picked me up. Got in the resort and had late dinner around 9:30ish and a beer with my dad on the balcony. This morning, woke up around 10 EST, had some breakfast, and went to lay by the pool for a few hours. Used SPF 8 and STILL got color! But no burn so woohoo. Had a drink at the pool bar, went swimming, watched the Hawks lose (but it's ok they're in the playoffs, thanks Dallas!) and listened to my relaxing music. Then took a short nap, and we had dinner at Buongiorno, where I had Calamari and Scallops over linguine fra diavolo. DELICIOUS. Then got ice cream, took some pics of the unit, and here I am. Must go shower now and then bed time, gotta rest up for my full day on the beach! :-D Hahahaahahaha you suckers. Hope the storms back home aren't TOO bad!

Out here, on my own

I recently had a personal conversation with an acquaintance about how, even at this age, when someone insults you, it's not just one insult that hits you, but every insult you've ever received comes flooding back to knock you (mentally) on your ass. It can send you--or me, I should say--into deep depression. The same holds true for when you are yelled at. At one point growing up, my mom told me I had to stop being so sarcastic because I would lose all my friends. And so I did, kept some friends, still somehow managed to get the senior superlative of "most sarcastic" but I believe I really cut it down. Sarcasm, especially in raised, angry voices, and just yelling your opinion over mine, is really very bothersome. When you yell at me, the same thing happens. Every time I've been yelled at or bullied comes rushing back to me. However, instead of just depression, there is anger. Cold anger. Why do I deserve this? And now I have reconnected with an old friend and I feel the vicious cycle of manipulation starting all over again. I can't do this but I can't stop. WHY DO I DESERVE THIS? I just need to get all this off my chest. Almost all my relationships are CRAP. I have no love life, only guys who think it's a turn on to say "Hey baby let's fuck." Um, really? Douchebags. I have veeeeeery few friends whom I can confide in and only 1 really that I can tell ANYTHING to, and she's not often available, let alone available on her own. I need someone there for me. I feel like I'm still groping in the darkness, grasping for something to hold on to, something that will hold me back, something or someone to help pull me out of this hole and support me. I can't wait for Saturday when I jet out of here for a week and have no worries about who's around and who's not. Just me, (my parents), a beach, a nice tan, and a cold beer. On top of that I might find out about my promotion (or lack thereof) tomorrow, and I'm worried. I need this job and the benefits that come with it. Long story short: There's a lot of shitty people in my life, and I'm too afraid of what will be left, if anything, if I decide to clean house. Out here on my own...

Hmm

I'm feeling weird...like...out of body experience watching myself suffer with anxiety. I feel afraid of everything and everyone. This is a new development. Had to pop some k-pin. Depression-wise I'm doing just fine, but I'm worried I'm building to some kind of anxiety attack and I can't pinpoint what set it off. Work today definitely didn't help...damn when will that bitch stop being such an annoying, greedy, pompous and self-centered BITCH!? I'm going to try to sleep....another full shift tomorrow. OH and being uninsured just RULES when you're worried of having an anxious/psychotic breakdown. Basically I'm shit outta luck. FUCKED.

I AM TIRED OF HATERS AND BITCHES.

!

Too tired for a full blog, but I'm being considered for full time at work! Weeeeeee! And I leave for Florida in 10 days! WEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! If my good mood lasts through Nami, then I will have had my first good week in...........YEARS. An entire week...let's not jinx this!

Look!

Blog.

And dream how wonderful your life will be

"Lullabye" by Billy Joel is by far my favorite song ever. But that line always gets me. "Good night my angel now it's time to dream, and dream how wonderful your life will be..." No one dreams of the shit I'm going through. Sorry to sound melodramatic but I don't feel like going into details. I nearly cut myself or did something worse today, so I'm staying with Jim and Vicky tonight. Had to leave the situation.

When you make your child feel like a trash bag and a list and a nuisance, is it any wonder why they want to kill themselves? I wish these thoughts would go away.

I love you, a bushel and a peck...

Damn you, Guys and Dolls.

Anyway. Sometimes I wish my parents could sit in on the patient NAMI meetings, so they can stop thinking I'm the only one in the world who gets depressed, sleeps til 2, has a lot of trouble getting shit done, is in denial about declaring disability...and maybe they would stop thinking I'm such a horrible daughter and stop being all shouty and passive aggressive. Yeah, I noticed the lights were off when I got home. I wish my dad would get off his ass after his entire day of doing NOTHING and get to NAMI parent-to-parent meetings. I wish they would leave me alone because this whole tough love thing? NOT WORKING. Makes me more depressed, makes me want to isolate. "Use your PHP binder and use those coping skills." Yeah? Yet again we're under the delusion that a few weeks in a hospital program should have cured me? I'm under so much stress and I can't talk to them about it because my dad doesn't give a shit and just shouts non stop, and my mom just gets pissy and in the "I don't care what you do" or "You only have today to clean the kitchen table" attitude and I can't handle this shit. I'm just going to save ALL of my paychecks until I can move out. Because guess what, parentals, in Nami there are 40+ year olds living with their parents, because they CAN'T move out. Keep adding to the mountain of shit on my back and I'll become one of them. I'm looking at cheap 1-bedrooms. I don't care what neighborhood as long as it's close to work, where I got passed over for the full time position that opened up because, ironically, I WAS IN TREATMENT SO I COULD MAKE A SUCCESSFUL RETURN TO WORK.
I'm very angry, hurt, depressed. I just want to isolate and cry. They don't understand and they never will. I feel like instead of learning how to HELP me, they're just trying to learn how to DEAL with me. Like I'm a pest they have to get used to. Screw that. I'm moving out as soon as shit is in order. Then have fun with your "happy" marriage.
I hope you're happy. I'm crying again. Go yell at me some more.

How to deal

Ever fall for someone so hard that every time you think of them it's like electricity jolts through you? Ever fall for that person and they happen to be MARRIED? This sucks. I swore off feeling anything for a long time and it has to happen now. Some day my prince will come. Yeah right, go die in a fire, Snow White. Or is that Cinderella? Oh well all Disney princesses get what they want in the end so screw 'em all. If there are other perfect men out there, they're not looking for someone like me. I should become a nun, then I'd have an excuse for the pathetic lack of relationships in my life. Nah, those outfits would do nothing for my looks. Fuck.

Extra extra, read all about it

This just in: I'M AN IDIOT. Why can't I just keep my stupid mouth shut.

Rarrrrrrrrrr

Cruel cruel world. Married. RAWR!

Let Our Hearts Be Bound As One

Had a good day...let's keep this up!

Young girl, it's alright.

Well I cried my way through half the day...PHP was hard. But then I went tanning and felt better, then went running/swimming at the Good Sam Wellness Center, which is AMAZING. 3 pools. Then I spent some quality time with Kat. I hate that such horrible things have to happen to such good, wonderful, amazing people. Why is life so hard? Rhetorical, fyi.
Tomorrow I'm off PHP, so I'm going to therapy with Kat, then she's gonna come over and we're gonna clean and watch nerd movies. Bomb! Then Thursday morning is breakfast at Michelle's...let's hope this good streak lasts!

Can I just die now?

And I'm like, fuck youuuuu

Having a shitty shitty day, and I've only been awake for a half hour. My weekends suck. I think it's all hitting me now...I'm done with PHP in a week even though I'm not ready. That's the biggest thing. I'm really, REALLY not ready. FUCK YOU insurance. I've gone and made a good friend feel guilty because of my own paranoid thinking. My mom is still leaving snide comments on my facebook.
And now Michelle canceled game night, so I have nothing to look forward to or keep me occupied. Suicidal ideations run rampant in idle minds. I can't stop crying. I fucking hate my life and I am fucking SICK of being depressed and feeling like my heart is being torn to shreds. Permanent sleep sounds amazing.

Oh hey mania, what's up?

Maaaaan I'm gonna pay for this in the morning. Went to NAMI at CDH, it was super different than the Good Sam meetings. Then me and Katherine went to Cabana. Then I got home and had a rush of creativity, so I made new binder pictures for my PHP binder of crap. I really like my cover. My mind is racing so rather than babbling...

MC: For some reason I couldn't comment back, but thanks :) Debra and I were talking randomly about how rare it is to find not only such a gentleman out there, but one who is so open and honest and determined to get better. I respect you so much, and hope for only the best for you. Now, you got any brothers? Who AREN'T married?? :P

ML: My prayers are with you and yours...report back to us asap, we miss you and want to know if you and your family are okay! <3

Imagine all the people, living life in peace...

You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. Ahh I love my John Lennon poster right next to my bed :)

I've gotta stop being so tired all the time. Dear body: grow up. We've been out of college for years now, we can't stay on that sleep rhythm. Sincerely, the one who has to be awake.

PHP ended on a rather heavy note today. How can you be valued if you don't value yourself? How can you be loved if you don't love yourself? These thoughts trigger much depression and hopelessness in me. It would be nice to be told I'm valued or loved more often, but how long until I start believing in it? Believing in me? There's got to be some kind of higher purpose for being cursed with this. I wish I knew how normal people lived. How they can love themselves with no issue.

I also had a coffee date with Michelle today. Brought up an interesting point...I was talking about how my dreams of a happy marriage have been pretty much obliterated by this illness and how I'm just now becoming reluctant about my desire to have kids because I don't want to pass this on...no one should have to go through this, and if I'm responsible for MAKING someone go through it, let alone someone who is MY child, I couldn't live with myself. I'll have to ask my mom what you do when your child tells you they want to kill herself. I commend her strength through all my ridiculousness.

I've been getting irritable again...something's up, and I can't pinpoint exactly what it is. It's like depression and hypomania mixed together....I can't figure it out.

Also, Charlie Sheen is OUT OF HIS MIND. Makes me feel better about myself. I hope he finds help. And not through scientology.

Let's sum up this post with: wtf?

Comment on my blog people. make me feel loved.

Grrr

I'm annoyed. I'm going back to bed. What to do when shit is too petty to bring up at php?

The snozberries taste like snozberries.

How come any guy I'm attracted to is inevitably gay, married, or a drug addict? FML.

That aside...today went by fast. Something triggered a little depression/irritability, but I'm not sure what. Gotta talk to the doc too about the impulsiveness...Gaaah.

But I'm meeting Michelle for coffee tomorrow, that should be fun. Maybe I can convince her to cook me dinner too. Muaha.

So much rambling! All in all not an awful day...will post more later if I can.

Later boners.

Winner winner chicken dinner!

Today was pretty good, other than being unusually exhausted all day. Michelle and Laura left PHP, so this afternoon was pretty bittersweet. I really hope to keep in touch with them. And this morning's process group was pretty intense.
After PHP I went tanning and stopped into Dots to buy a few shirts. Clearance like whoooaaa. Got home and could not resist my bed, but only napped for an hour or so. Then Jim and Vicky came over for dinner. I constantly feel like Jim is criticizing me and I dunno if he is or if it's my illness or a little of both. I need to work on my reframing! Just today I said the "mask" I was working on taking off was the Impression Mask, where you care too much about what people say or think. Plus he's my brother, and I love him. And it's always great to see dear Vicky. Wish Jim would stop being lame so she could be my sister-in-law already! I already think of her as the sister I always wanted but I want the official title, damn it! ;P
And now I'm goin to bed. Hoping to be super productive this weekend and stay out of bed as much as possible, which will be hard NOT because of depression but because it's so damn comfortable! I plan on going to see Rachel's jewelry with her at some point, and I've got a bunch of crap to do with my insurance and moving my schedule around for work. Ugh. I'm gonna go tanning again too. Membership ends March 10, so I gotta be tan enough for it to stay for a month and then it's off to Florida! Mmm sunshine.

Night all!

Whew

Short update as I'm tired and the lovely valium should be kicking in soon. Just got done with round 2 of hospitalization. Back in the partial program. Went to NAMI tonight, found out if you volunteer just 4 hours at the convention this summer, you get to go all 4 days for free! HOLLA!
My mood is great and I'm in my own bed for the first time in 2 weeks. Also, today I felt the sun on my face for the first time in 2 weeks.
Better get to bed, up at 7 for PHP.
Hoping tomorrow is as wonderful as today!

What I can do...

Okay, I've review my PHP/NAMI/3W binder, and in a nutshell I'm going to try and write the things I can do to relieve my anxiety, alleviate or postpone my depression, and keep myself focused.
Big thing: Focusing on the here and now. One of our groups/handouts was titled "This is a perfect moment." Just stopping and thinking, even if you're stuck in traffic (I even did this!) "This is a perfect moment. I am alive, I have people who love me. These people in these other cars only wish their moment was just as perfect." I was listening to music and having a smoke and just in my element.
Today's last group was "therapy in two pages" and offered tons of ideas for coping and keeping occupied, broken down into physical, intellectual, spiritual, and emotional. I plan on practicing all 4 this weekend. For physical, I will be meeting my best friend at Lifetime, where she is a lifeguard and can get me a day pass, and we're gonna work out and swim. For intellectual, I'm going to try to finish my book (it's Kurt Vonnegut...shit's crazy...) and go to the library where my mom works to find a new book and some literature on my illnesses, as well as seeing if they have the WRAP book. For spiritual, I am going to go back to prayer, and make a gratitude list (which I will probably post on here). I also plan on singing at mass on Sunday. Emotional, I'm going to surround myself with people who love me, as well as working on my own positive affirmations.

I'm also going to DBSA on Sunday and starting March 14 will be doing a DBT support therapy thing, which I'm really excited for.

I hope this weekend goes well, but I'm going to take it day by day, hour by hour.

I have a date lined up for Monday with a guy I just met, and who, as it turns out, has a sister my brother's age and they went to school together so my family knows his. I hope I don't chicken out and bail. He's a good guy and I need to give this life another chance. Maybe a topic for Monday's process group? Maybe.

Here's to hoping for some solid sleep and no nightmares before I have to go for my blood test tomorrow, yuck. Good night, world.

Because of You

Heard this on the radio on the way home from work and had to cry a bit.

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me
But everyone around me
Because of you...
I am afraid.

I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

And now I cry in the middle of the night
Over the same damn thing

Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I am ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you..
I am afraid.

Bad days geez

Jeff, I'm sorry but I completely forgot what you wanted me to write about. So I guess I'll write about my day?

Today sucked. I felt good this morning, but a friend mentioned the importance of loving yourself before you can move forward. How can I possibly move forward? I can't see any light at the end of my deep dark twisted tunnel. Suicidal ideations keep running through my head. Just the ideas and how it would be easier on everyone and my pain would be over.
The first time I was hospitalized at Hinsdale, I had an awful ER intake MD, who tried to spew a whole lot of religious bull at me. I'm not sure I can believe in a god that makes people suffer this way, why give the "gift of life" to someone who would want to take it away? How bad can hell really be after this? The ER MD had the belief that when you die, nothing happens to your soul. Your body decays in the ground and you are just dead until "the lord rises again" and "resurrects" you. Wouldn't that be wonderful?
I still hate myself. I have no respect for myself, no self-worth. Why do I keep saying how great my mood is at PHP? Why do I keep joking and laughing when I'm in so much pain? It finally broke today. I slept through lunch and then could barely make it through the afternoon groups I felt so awful. Fortunately Lara was there for me and took me for sushi even though she doesn't eat it. Then I came home and got my dad to finally watch Firefly with me. Love that show.
Still feel like shit. It's not even 8:00 and I just took my meds to go to bed. Honestly I can't believe I made it THIS long.
After the whole Rob mess there are about 4 other guys going after me, 1 seems promising, 1 is 30, 1 is 19, and the other has the delusion that he can get me to drive to Maywood for a "booty call." Sorry guys, I was raped about 5 weeks ago, it's going to take a long time to get my trust back in anything, let alone men and relationships. And Rob was just icing on the shit cake that is my life. E-dump? Really? At least I'm not with a guy who dresses like an ogre, green face tusks and all. *shudder*
I just can't focus on anything, let alone anything happy. My memory is SUCKING. One of the nurses at PHP talked to my doctor and they upped my Abilify. Most of them truly are great there and as much as I hate mySELF, I appreciate their concern. I just wish it was Thursday already so I could go to NAMI and be able to talk, or "process," as much as I need to, instead of being in the middle of an issue and being told we have to move on (to people who don't even want to talk, or people who talk all the fucking time). I know there's a time limit, but expecting everyone to get through everything in 50 minutes? Why bother?
Now I'm getting angry and pissed off in addition to hating myself and wanting to sleep forever. Maybe some Aaron Copland or Brahms from Co-Choir will at least alleviate some anxiety as I try to sleep.

Later boners.

meh

Going into valium coma so this will be short and sweet. Don't tell someone you want to be in their support system if you really don't know what that entails. www.nami.org. Let down by so many people in one fucking day. And I have a family meeting at PHP tomorrow. Fucking great.

A bad day.

Sorry, it's been almost an entire week since I said "Until tomorrow!" Not that anyone reads this anyway. But anyhow. I'm feeling very close to these lyrics:
"Will I lose my dignity, will someone care? Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare?"
I feel like I've lost all dignity because I'm a certifiable whackjob, I feel like no one cares, and I know I can never wake from this nightmare life. I know the song is about AIDS but cut me some slack people. People at work are out of their minds...well only some of them. So basically I cry all day at outpatient when a social worker makes us "Think of the feeling of love" and I can't feel it. Physically cannot feel it. And then I go straight to work where I cry out of frustration and just want to scream and scream. I feel like I AM screaming but no one hears it. Then I come home and for once I'm NOT the one screaming, though I'd like to.

I'm also faced with a dilemma. How can you have a support system when none of them can be there for you? They all have their own lives and boyfriends and girlfriends and who wants to be around a nutcase like me? Am I supposed to tear them away from their plans because I need them right now? I don't want to be THAT person. But I don't know what to do. I'm trying so hard but life is too much right now. Yeah, I know I'm not going to school, but if you for one second think your life is harder than mine....maybe physically, but live a day in my head and see if YOU don't need a padded room.

If my head and my thoughts were a painting...it would be all done in black, gray, dark blue, dark green, maybe dark purple or indigo. Demons, dragons, people crying. A blue sun covered in swirling green and purple clouds, over a ground of bright blue flames. I hate my life. I hate that I can't reach out to anyone because I'm such a burden to be around. I want to be back on 3W. I want to talk to Marcus and Courtney and Becky and Clare but mostly Marcus. He is the only one to date to pull me out of the middle of a meltdown. Sure the beds sucked and some groups were lame, but I miss having that constant care and support.

For once I truly wish that PHP and NAMI WON'T be canceled tomorrow. I wish I could stop crying. Even my own brother won't see me. I need a Marcus hug. I need Courtney banging my door down at 11:00 then complimenting me and following it with "no homo." I need Becky asking how I am even though she's a nurse not a counselor. I need Clare asking how I am even when she's got a bunch of her own patients and I'm not one of them.

I need help. I feel like I'm doing all I can at the moment; attending PHP and NAMI, seeing my doctor several times a week...but then I have to deal with stress at work and home and with my "friends" and I just can't handle this "real world." I haven't built that level of trust with the social workers at PHP, and I don't like all of them. I feel like I have no one to turn to.

And I feel angry that people will hang out with people they're always with, without giving ME a second thought, without even asking if I'm okay or if I need them. I know I'm selfish, but if you agree to be my support, shouldn't you be there? I am selfish but I feel like after less than a week out of the psych ward, SOME life should include me.

I'm not going to hurt myself. But the thought of walking into the snow and falling asleep or being hit by a semi wouldn't be the worst thing for me right now, in my mind. Again, it's a scary place.

I'm selfish. Worthless, and I feel helpless and utterly hopeless. I see no normal life in my future. And I just had the awful realization that even if I CAN have kids, do I really want to? This shit is passed through genetics. No one should have to go through that, and I don't want to be responsible for putting anyone through it.

I hate myself.

Day 1 Out of the Hospital

To preface all of my entries...I was hospitalized in the psych unit at Good Samaritan hospital for 11 days, and was discharged yesterday. I also started the outpatient program yesterday. I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Severe Depression, and PTSD (Post-traumatic stress disorder). I plan on blogging instead of journaling, because I think I'll be more up-to-date this way. Here we go...

Well, I wouldn't say I've relapsed, but I do believe I've regressed. My meds messed me up all day and I ended up missing my outpatient program. I'm feeling more depressed, but I've been told that's a normal part of getting back to the real world after 11 days in a psych ward filled with structure, amazing counselors who were always available, and always stuff to do. Also plenty of really cool people who I already miss. I was feeling quite depressed all day, but then I went to my first NAMI (National Alliance for Mental Illness) meeting tonight, and it was amazing. Exactly what I needed; a true support group. Some of the members even invited me out for their weekly ritual of Portillo's, so I got a chance to know some people better. Plus I got to see some people that I was hospitalized with, so that helps my transition.
My coping skills with anger have definitely improved, I was able to remove myself from stressful/frustration situations last night without blowing a lid, and so that's a baby step that I'm proud of. Now my valium is kicking in, so I'd better sign off before I fall asleep and drop my computer.
Until tomorrow then!

www.NAMI.org