I've been watching a lot of Dexter, so my potty mouth is REAL bad.
Now. I really need to focus on one thing: WHAT IS MY ENDGAME. If I'm being completely honest, probably 99.9% of my behaviors are some kind of manipulation....a means to an end. Whether it's attention, love, reassurance, whatever, I don't know. I'm the most manipulative person I know and if I just came clean about everything I'd probably have a much better life.
So I'm pushing everyone away. My Liz and my Mooney and my Darby are not here with me, and so do I push them away A.) Because it's too hard to cope with them not being in my immediate vicinity, B.) Because I don't want to burden their lives with my own, or C.) I want to look more helpless than I am to receive more attention and affection? What the fuck is wrong with me?
Why do I text my therapist in the middle of an episode, about drinking and wanting to find random hookups and how awful I am, and then push away when I don't get the response I want? What response DO I even want?? I wonder if I have some kind of male-superhero complex going on. My therapist saved me from the pits of my deepest hell last year, and now I'm expecting him to swoop in and make me feel better every time I have a bad day? What am I expecting, what am I DOING, and again, what the fuck is wrong with me? Liz thinks I should find a new therapist who I can afford to see regularly. Out of the question. Out of the FUCKING question. I've been through a lot of counselors and groups and therapists and only one has worked. It's like I go for help, then I don't get what I want, so I push away, saying that I'm clearly too much work/stress/a hopeless case. What the fuck happens if that ever turns out to be true? What the fuck happens if I ever DO hear those words? I mean christ even if it's not about me, even if it's a location change or something...I mean fuck! Panic! Everything you read about Borderline PD and people like me and whatever will tell you about manipulation. BUT WHY?? Why do I do it?? What am I hoping to achieve? Maybe I'm just waiting for one little thing to get worse, to push me over the edge.
I'm confused and lost and so depressed and really fucking scared! Why am I not any better? Am I ever going to BE better? How do I function in life, and if this is how it is, why would I want to?
I'm having recurring nightmares of being naked but for a blanket in a dark, crowded room. The room is small, square, windowless. One door, and the only light is coming from the lit up exit sign above it. Everyone is in dark gray body suits, so there are no genders, no colors, no differentiation. And everyone is just bumping into everyone else, like people are pushing and shoving but not so hard, just enough to knock me off my balance and keep turning me away from the door, and every time I turn my head it seems farther away. The room isn't loud, but it's buzzing with the sounds of people talking in dull roars...like the train or something, hushed voices, phone calls, ringing. And I don't know why I'm there, all I know is I keep ending up farther from the exit, and every time I notice, I panic more and more, until I fall over, which is when I wake up sweating and shaking, typically with my blankets all over the place. My hands and arms are sore and bruised which tells me that I've been thrashing a lot, in addition to my own bruising.
Fuckshit.
Monday, September 9, 2013
Saturday, August 31, 2013
And dreams were made and used and wasted
I know now, at age 26, that when my life starts sounding like "I Dreamed a Dream," it's time to rethink some things.
"I had a dream my life would be so different from this hell I'm living"
--WAY too dramatic, considering Fantine was singing about how she had to resort to prostitution and selling her hair and teeth to pay for her bastard child's health....but damn, I sure didn't dream of feeling like this every day. At work I am made to feel useless, worthless, unimportant, stupid, bad at my job...etc. I know no one can MAKE me feel anything and it's my fault for letting them get to me....but damn, I used to be hot shit. I used to be important, I used to be Marty's go-to girl, I used to head things up, hold the counter down, and rake in sales like no other. Now I can only do what I feel I am allowed to do. I used to be praised for what I did well....now I feel like I only hear about anything I do wrong.
I just feel like shit! Ugh, plain and simple. SHIT. Mud on someone's boots. STOMP STOMP STOMP.
Worst of all....I'm feeling this way alone. I'm not saying my misery wants company, or that I want anyone else to feel this way. What I'm saying is that all the people I leaned on when I felt like this are gone. It's only been 3 weeks....I can't do this. Everyone keeps saying call them, they're only a phone call away, etc...it doesn't work that way! I need to be in the Carthage Cafe playing ERS with Liz and Mooney. I need to be in Liz's basement, in my car with Mooney, in Darby's dorm room. True, I get to see Darby in 2 months. It's going to be great. But I'm just going to be that much more miserable when I have to come back without her. I was never into just talking on the phone. When I need support, I need to go out with my friends, or cry on their shoulders. I can't just whine and sob my way through a phone call. I feel like there's a visible chasm between myself and my friends...like they're across a really crowded room and I'm trying to tell them something really important but it's so noisy and chaotic all they can say is "What? WHAT?" That's how I'd feel about a phone call. I need the physical comfort of their hugs. I feel like nothing. Worse than nothing.
I am nothing, and I am alone.
Edit to Add:
Just noticed that I hadn't posted since the day after I got back from California in June. So yeah, that says something.
"I had a dream my life would be so different from this hell I'm living"
--WAY too dramatic, considering Fantine was singing about how she had to resort to prostitution and selling her hair and teeth to pay for her bastard child's health....but damn, I sure didn't dream of feeling like this every day. At work I am made to feel useless, worthless, unimportant, stupid, bad at my job...etc. I know no one can MAKE me feel anything and it's my fault for letting them get to me....but damn, I used to be hot shit. I used to be important, I used to be Marty's go-to girl, I used to head things up, hold the counter down, and rake in sales like no other. Now I can only do what I feel I am allowed to do. I used to be praised for what I did well....now I feel like I only hear about anything I do wrong.
I just feel like shit! Ugh, plain and simple. SHIT. Mud on someone's boots. STOMP STOMP STOMP.
Worst of all....I'm feeling this way alone. I'm not saying my misery wants company, or that I want anyone else to feel this way. What I'm saying is that all the people I leaned on when I felt like this are gone. It's only been 3 weeks....I can't do this. Everyone keeps saying call them, they're only a phone call away, etc...it doesn't work that way! I need to be in the Carthage Cafe playing ERS with Liz and Mooney. I need to be in Liz's basement, in my car with Mooney, in Darby's dorm room. True, I get to see Darby in 2 months. It's going to be great. But I'm just going to be that much more miserable when I have to come back without her. I was never into just talking on the phone. When I need support, I need to go out with my friends, or cry on their shoulders. I can't just whine and sob my way through a phone call. I feel like there's a visible chasm between myself and my friends...like they're across a really crowded room and I'm trying to tell them something really important but it's so noisy and chaotic all they can say is "What? WHAT?" That's how I'd feel about a phone call. I need the physical comfort of their hugs. I feel like nothing. Worse than nothing.
I am nothing, and I am alone.
Edit to Add:
Just noticed that I hadn't posted since the day after I got back from California in June. So yeah, that says something.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Cuz it's like you're my mirror
So, got home from seeing Darby in California last night. It was so hard to leave :( Some emotional things came up that I kind of want to process. So, I got Darby hooked on Stargate SG1 (in her words, "WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE TO ME!?" bahahaha) and we were watching an episode (in case you follow....season 1, "Brief Candle.") And anyway stuff happens and Jack gets to see his dead son again, even though he knows it's not really his son, and I just started crying of course. Darby said "Wouldn't that just be crueler?" And it was like this thought process went through my head in a split second, that if you didn't have to watch the person die again....if you just got to spend one or two more hours with them....wouldn't you? She happens to have a picture of Ariel on her wall, and I fucking LOST IT. I've avoided talking/thinking about Ariel because I've either been so angry with her or telling myself I'm angry with her because it's easier to deal with. I just felt empty, that same sense of despair that I felt the day that Janelle called and told me what happened, and it's good I was sitting because when that call came I collapsed. I've been telling myself I'm angry, even snapping on other people who start to talk about her, because I don't want to feel that pain ever again. The only other significant losses I've been through were my grandparents, and they both died naturally of very old age, not suddenly. No one was ever ripped from me the way she was. I'm angry because it was HER choice to leave. But mostly I just feel so...damaged. She was a part of my heart that can never be filled again. When I use the term "ripped from me," that's what it physically feels like. Like part of my heart is being wrenched out of my body. If anyone watches Once Upon a Time, it feels like how it looks when Regina rips people's hearts out. I hate to throw that petty example in, but it fits. I had to go in the bathroom and turn on the water and cry for a while. Maybe it's time to go back into that topic.
Stupid time difference...dear body, we're back in Chicago now. Deal with it.
Stupid time difference...dear body, we're back in Chicago now. Deal with it.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Your head is running wild again
I'll post a blog. I have nothing better to do since I can't sleep because I'm out of my meds >_<
ED has been a big problem lately. It hit big last night...went out for the Hawks game and I'd like to say I didn't realize how much I was eating but oh I DID. Afterwards I was like I have to throw up I HAVE TO THROW UP GET IT OUT OF ME NOW. But I didn't. And so I cried about it. I had food/ED nightmares all night. Then today there was a lot of talk about sizing and people telling me "Oh you'd look so good in this, it's at Forever 21 you should get it!" And I have to say THEY DON'T HAVE MY SIZE. NOWHERE YOU SHOP CARRIES MY SIZE. I am disgusting. So I just spent about an hour between my ED friends' facebook pages being jealous of their sizes and on my pro-ana site looking through thinspiration pictures. I looked at a friend's page, a picture of her at her worst, and thought wow, I wish I was on THAT side of ED unhappiness. Then I thought well, she's back at TK right now, so clearly it's not going well for her. THEN I thought, I'd LOVE to have to go back to TK because of being deathly thin. I want the gap. I want the bones. I want the hollowness. Doesn't help that every day at work I have to pass the swimsuits. Oh hi Michael Kors, I love you but the only thing you make that will ever fit me is a purse! :(
Someone posted in the TK group, "Choose recovery." Such a simple statement, and I'm having SO much trouble with it. I hate that I've been going back for alumni for almost a year now and still haven't had any weight loss to be noticed and admired.
I don't know what else is going on. This is just all consuming right now. Which is how I feel when I eat. ((bad pun))
Stupid. So stupid!
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Chances are dynamite
You ever start watching a movie or a tv show or reading a book and realize it's the same story line as everything else only with different people and settings? Story of my fucking life. Today, I hate myself, and I hate my life, and I hate the way that I chose to deal with my sorry life today. I've been self harming again. One cut is too much and 1000 is never enough, right? Fuck. I can't even write any more. I just hate everything. I know, all things are passing. This will not last. But I am SO. FUCKING. SICK. of people telling me "just don't let it get to you!" OBVIOUSLY IF I'M TALKING ABOUT IT, IT HAS ALREADY GOTTEN TO ME, AND YOUR SHITSTACK OF SO-CALLED ADVICE IS BULLSHIT AND I WANT TO HIT YOU. If you can't help me with my problems, then don't give me bullshit like that. Fucking invalidating as FUCK. Fuck this.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Oh we had everything
I can't believe myself. Un-fucking-believable. I have come so far in recovery, and as I said in my speech at TK, one of the greatest lessons I learned was how to detach with love. I did that. I detached from about 75% of my life without regret, because I knew it would be the best thing for me in the long run. Then I went to see a friend's show in the city, a friend from high school. She was amazing of course as usual as I knew she would be. I was so SO awesome to see her and hang out with her afterwards. So then we made plans to go see another friend's show on Saturday night. We made plans with 3-4 other people from high school, and I got really excited to see them.
Big surprise, everything fell through (aka they're going the night I can't go) and had I not asked someone about the timing of the show, I probably never would have been told.
I'M SORRY, IS IT 2005 AGAIN!? WHAT THE FUCK! So ALLLLLLLLL these feelings and memories came just FLOODING to the front of my brain, and yet again, 8 years later, I'm crying for the same reasons. I have to stop this nonsense. Now I find myself trying to rearrange my schedule so that I can go with them tomorrow night. Why? ONCE AGAIN, I find myself trying to compromise my life, plans, schedule, whatever, so that it could fit THEIR lives. It's not worth it. I so so so wish it just could have worked out, but maybe this is a sign from the universe. Take 2 steps forward, not 8 years back. BIG SIGH.
Big surprise, everything fell through (aka they're going the night I can't go) and had I not asked someone about the timing of the show, I probably never would have been told.
I'M SORRY, IS IT 2005 AGAIN!? WHAT THE FUCK! So ALLLLLLLLL these feelings and memories came just FLOODING to the front of my brain, and yet again, 8 years later, I'm crying for the same reasons. I have to stop this nonsense. Now I find myself trying to rearrange my schedule so that I can go with them tomorrow night. Why? ONCE AGAIN, I find myself trying to compromise my life, plans, schedule, whatever, so that it could fit THEIR lives. It's not worth it. I so so so wish it just could have worked out, but maybe this is a sign from the universe. Take 2 steps forward, not 8 years back. BIG SIGH.
Friday, April 5, 2013
Like the ceiling can't hold us
See, this is why I should post more often. I have no clue where to fucking begin. Life is hard, clearly.
I'm doing fairly well! What has even happened since Sunday...
I don't remember Monday or Tuesday...I know I slept a lot on Monday, and slept a little late on Tuesday...that's sad that that's all I can remember. That was also a lot of "thats" for one sentence.
Wednesday I worked most of the day, and then I had a DATE! Geez I never thought I'd say that, it's only been....10 years since John...oye. I left straight from work and met Andy at Pinstripes. I think we planned on doing some bowling or bocce, but we ended up just sitting at the bar for dinner. Ahi tuna gnocchi--AMAZING. HIGHLY recommended. He seems like a cool guy, minus the fact that he's a Packers fan....omg awful. It was great, a new experience for me. We're going to go see Jurassic Park soon. Speaking of, OMG SO EXCITED JURASSIC PARK IS THE BEST I LOVE DINOSAURSSSSSSSSSS.
Okay. That's out of me.
Yesterday I picked up my newly altered dress (holy fuck the wedding is a week from today!) then worked, then passed out. Today I had to work at 8fuckingAM. Fucked o'clock, as we used to say in high school. LONG day. Then my mom and I had dinner at Irish Legend in Willow Springs. Our server, Shane, had a mega hot Irish brogue...meltinggggg. There was a "domestic disturbance" between a couple, so after my Magners and fish n chips we left. THEN I headed into the city, picked up Mooney, and we found a hookah place, Carthage Cafe, in a super shady neighborhood. The place looked really cool, we had a private room with couches and stuff, and the hookah was good. Otherwise....well, not going back there. We planned to go to the zoo on the Sunday after the wedding, I'm very excited.
I can't remember much more...just too tired.
kbye.
I'm doing fairly well! What has even happened since Sunday...
I don't remember Monday or Tuesday...I know I slept a lot on Monday, and slept a little late on Tuesday...that's sad that that's all I can remember. That was also a lot of "thats" for one sentence.
Wednesday I worked most of the day, and then I had a DATE! Geez I never thought I'd say that, it's only been....10 years since John...oye. I left straight from work and met Andy at Pinstripes. I think we planned on doing some bowling or bocce, but we ended up just sitting at the bar for dinner. Ahi tuna gnocchi--AMAZING. HIGHLY recommended. He seems like a cool guy, minus the fact that he's a Packers fan....omg awful. It was great, a new experience for me. We're going to go see Jurassic Park soon. Speaking of, OMG SO EXCITED JURASSIC PARK IS THE BEST I LOVE DINOSAURSSSSSSSSSS.
Okay. That's out of me.
Yesterday I picked up my newly altered dress (holy fuck the wedding is a week from today!) then worked, then passed out. Today I had to work at 8fuckingAM. Fucked o'clock, as we used to say in high school. LONG day. Then my mom and I had dinner at Irish Legend in Willow Springs. Our server, Shane, had a mega hot Irish brogue...meltinggggg. There was a "domestic disturbance" between a couple, so after my Magners and fish n chips we left. THEN I headed into the city, picked up Mooney, and we found a hookah place, Carthage Cafe, in a super shady neighborhood. The place looked really cool, we had a private room with couches and stuff, and the hookah was good. Otherwise....well, not going back there. We planned to go to the zoo on the Sunday after the wedding, I'm very excited.
I can't remember much more...just too tired.
kbye.
Sunday, March 31, 2013
You'll never ever ever cease to be, to be amazing to me
Yeah I've been listening to Todd Tuesday.
Today, I drove Darby to the airport. I'm not okay with this. It was really hard to enjoy Easter, even with the great mass this morning and the great dinner this evening, even though Jim and Vicky brought Laika the rocket puppy. Right when I pulled away from the airport I started sobbing, and definitely got some weird looks from other drivers on Cicero/55. All day I was just sad. It felt like my insides were gone, like I was just hollow, feeling this incredible void where my heart should be. Now, however, I'm panicking. I'm grateful I found some old valium/klonopin. Now my insides are back, they just feel like they're made of concrete and weigh 200lbs. I can't describe the pain in my heart. It's like it's simultaneously pounding against my ribs and being ripped apart. I've never been as close to anyone as I am to her; never let anyone in as much as I let her. Whenever I needed someone, she was there. She knows my triggers, my symptoms, and the skills that help me most. With her on the other end of the country now, I'm panicking.
I just realized I'm making it sound like she died. That's not good. I just don't know how long it'll take for me to adjust to this.
I'm done. I can't focus on anything else right now, so this is all.
Today, I drove Darby to the airport. I'm not okay with this. It was really hard to enjoy Easter, even with the great mass this morning and the great dinner this evening, even though Jim and Vicky brought Laika the rocket puppy. Right when I pulled away from the airport I started sobbing, and definitely got some weird looks from other drivers on Cicero/55. All day I was just sad. It felt like my insides were gone, like I was just hollow, feeling this incredible void where my heart should be. Now, however, I'm panicking. I'm grateful I found some old valium/klonopin. Now my insides are back, they just feel like they're made of concrete and weigh 200lbs. I can't describe the pain in my heart. It's like it's simultaneously pounding against my ribs and being ripped apart. I've never been as close to anyone as I am to her; never let anyone in as much as I let her. Whenever I needed someone, she was there. She knows my triggers, my symptoms, and the skills that help me most. With her on the other end of the country now, I'm panicking.
I just realized I'm making it sound like she died. That's not good. I just don't know how long it'll take for me to adjust to this.
I'm done. I can't focus on anything else right now, so this is all.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Brace yourselves...
Ugh yeah, I decided it would be a great idea to COMPLETELY destroy my sleep cycle by getting into Game of Thrones. Terrible idea. <3 NETFLIX <3
I'm a little too tired to post much now (aka I need to go watch GoT before I pass out), so I'm just telling you all to BRACE YOURSELVES...Darby, my best friend in the whole wide world, whom I see the most out of all my TK friends, who knows me inside and out, who knows my triggers and my symptoms and how to call me out on my bullshit, is going back to California on Sunday. She's going to NYC on Wednesday and coming back Saturday, then I'm driving her to the airport on Sunday, and then.....FUCK.
I haven't planned for this.....how do you plan for this!? stressssssssssssssssssss
I'm a little too tired to post much now (aka I need to go watch GoT before I pass out), so I'm just telling you all to BRACE YOURSELVES...Darby, my best friend in the whole wide world, whom I see the most out of all my TK friends, who knows me inside and out, who knows my triggers and my symptoms and how to call me out on my bullshit, is going back to California on Sunday. She's going to NYC on Wednesday and coming back Saturday, then I'm driving her to the airport on Sunday, and then.....FUCK.
I haven't planned for this.....how do you plan for this!? stressssssssssssssssssss
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Funny you're the broken one but I'm the only one that needed saving
Couple things to touch on tonight, good and bad. I'll start with the bad so I can end on the good I suppose.
I'm going to have to be vague here to respect privacy, so try to ignore how cryptic this is.
A good friend of mine got into a bad situation..some asshole she knows duped her into feeling bad and checking on him, then when she got there she found out he was fine, just trying to get her over, and when she tried to leave he got violent and took advantage of her. I mean there's more to it, but again, privacy.
This absolutely floored me when she told me...just when I was putting my faith in humanity back together. Some might call me selfish for focusing on my reaction and my emotions, but this is my blog. If you want to read her story, I hear she's going to write an amazing book one day. So chill it.
I was mostly shocked and confused at first, it didn't really set in until I got home last night. Men still do these things. What a fucked up world. Any man who uses his strength and size to harm a woman should be beaten and eaten by a rancor. I'm not trying to be funny here...that's just the first image to pop into my head. So though I stressed about it, I was able to fall asleep. Then had the most graphic, most violent nightmares since the weeks after I was raped. It was like a horror movie going on in my head, over and over, and I remember thinking, in my dream, why can't I wake up? It was awful. So graphic...why do I only remember every exact detail--down to colors, sounds, even smells--of my nightmares? I can still feel the tactile sensations, the physical pain... I woke myself up screaming 3 times, at least one time I had been thrashing around, I already have bruises on my legs and wrist from hitting the metal frame of my bed.
I don't know how I got back to sleep, but the next round of nightmares was interrupted by my alarm. I woke up in full panic attack, so I reset the alarm in the hopes that I could lay in bed and calm myself down before I had to get up for work. Instead I fell asleep again, starting the dream off right where I'd left it. When my alarm went off again, I called in sick to work. I don't have a PRN, but since my old one was an antihistamine, I took some benadryl and tried to calm down, then I fell asleep again. I thankfully don't remember any dreams from that. I went to dinner with my parents and spent the whole time wringing my hands and frantically texting my therapist. Awful... I ended up seeing Darby for some self-soothing, which kind of worked. Except we watched a show that, even though it's a comedy, big time triggered me. On my drive home, I started having flashbacks to my rape. Vivid graphic memories kept flashing in front of my eyes, and the iron grip on my lungs squeezed so hard, I was seeing spots...I was able to stay in the present though by driving on the highway in 30degree weather with my window wide open. I might get sick but the important thing is I got home safe. And now I'm here.
God, writing it down feels so good. Thanks for sharing in my catharsis.
And now, for the better news.
Today marks the one YEAR anniversary of my last suicide attempt, which landed me in the hospital for the 8th and last time of my life (thus far, not gonna head ahead of myself).
I don't really have the energy to be excited right now erg.
I have also been ED-behavior-free for 3 weeks, purge-free for 2 months, and self-harm-free for 2 months. So yeah, go me.
I'm going to have to be vague here to respect privacy, so try to ignore how cryptic this is.
A good friend of mine got into a bad situation..some asshole she knows duped her into feeling bad and checking on him, then when she got there she found out he was fine, just trying to get her over, and when she tried to leave he got violent and took advantage of her. I mean there's more to it, but again, privacy.
This absolutely floored me when she told me...just when I was putting my faith in humanity back together. Some might call me selfish for focusing on my reaction and my emotions, but this is my blog. If you want to read her story, I hear she's going to write an amazing book one day. So chill it.
I was mostly shocked and confused at first, it didn't really set in until I got home last night. Men still do these things. What a fucked up world. Any man who uses his strength and size to harm a woman should be beaten and eaten by a rancor. I'm not trying to be funny here...that's just the first image to pop into my head. So though I stressed about it, I was able to fall asleep. Then had the most graphic, most violent nightmares since the weeks after I was raped. It was like a horror movie going on in my head, over and over, and I remember thinking, in my dream, why can't I wake up? It was awful. So graphic...why do I only remember every exact detail--down to colors, sounds, even smells--of my nightmares? I can still feel the tactile sensations, the physical pain... I woke myself up screaming 3 times, at least one time I had been thrashing around, I already have bruises on my legs and wrist from hitting the metal frame of my bed.
I don't know how I got back to sleep, but the next round of nightmares was interrupted by my alarm. I woke up in full panic attack, so I reset the alarm in the hopes that I could lay in bed and calm myself down before I had to get up for work. Instead I fell asleep again, starting the dream off right where I'd left it. When my alarm went off again, I called in sick to work. I don't have a PRN, but since my old one was an antihistamine, I took some benadryl and tried to calm down, then I fell asleep again. I thankfully don't remember any dreams from that. I went to dinner with my parents and spent the whole time wringing my hands and frantically texting my therapist. Awful... I ended up seeing Darby for some self-soothing, which kind of worked. Except we watched a show that, even though it's a comedy, big time triggered me. On my drive home, I started having flashbacks to my rape. Vivid graphic memories kept flashing in front of my eyes, and the iron grip on my lungs squeezed so hard, I was seeing spots...I was able to stay in the present though by driving on the highway in 30degree weather with my window wide open. I might get sick but the important thing is I got home safe. And now I'm here.
God, writing it down feels so good. Thanks for sharing in my catharsis.
And now, for the better news.
Today marks the one YEAR anniversary of my last suicide attempt, which landed me in the hospital for the 8th and last time of my life (thus far, not gonna head ahead of myself).
I don't really have the energy to be excited right now erg.
I have also been ED-behavior-free for 3 weeks, purge-free for 2 months, and self-harm-free for 2 months. So yeah, go me.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
You can turn off the sun, but I'm still gonna shine
Ahhhhh LIFE! Let's see. The past week has been pretty uneventful. On February 28th I decided that this ED thing is bullshit, and it's just like having a nasty boss or professor or something (JUST AN ANALOGY, PEOPLE)....like, it's there, and there's nothing I can do about it, so I might as well make my life with it as good as possible. In October I started making short-term goals. For example, my goal for October was no hospitalizations. Then I made that goal for November, then for the rest of 2012. I've discovered that goals are nowhere near as daunting if you adjust the time frame. Instead of saying "no hospitalizations for 2013" (which I totally plan), I'm taking it month by month. I can't handle the thought of giving up my vices (bingeing purging self-harming etc) forever, but I CAN handle it for this week. Or this month. And sometimes, if I have to, I can tell myself that I can just suck it up and handle it for one day. 24 hours later, I can make that goal again. So, while my goals are ideally long-term, I'm taking it easy. SO my goals for March are: no hospitalizations, no self-harm, and no ED behaviors. So far, I've got one week down! I know the rest of the month may not be so easy, especially with the bachelorette party coming up and plenty of other things. But if I tell myself I can do it for one month, then I'll only be one month stronger come April.
So that brings me to my main point: I'm fucking awesome. I'm rocking my recovery, I'm distancing myself from those who are toxic to me, and I'm taking care of the things that make my life unnecessarily stressful, one thing at a time. I plan on moving back to my room this month. I don't like it and I don't want it, but it needs to be done.
My new counter manager started on Tuesday. I'm still sad that I didn't get the position, but so far she's super nice. First day there and she dove head-on into working, cleaning, getting acclimated, etc. I can tell she's going to be very good for our counter, and I'm excited to see how things pan out!
I guess something I need to touch on, that I'm currently in emotional denial about, is Darby's leaving Chicago. I have about 3 weeks left before she goes back to California, for necessary and well-thought-out reasons. I'm really happy that she made this choice, and I really hope she gets what she needs, because she deserves it. I know that what I'm feeling is legitimate, and she knows it too. She has become my best friend, despite the age difference. No one understands me and puts up with me the way she does, and I always know that I have a place to go when I want/need to with her. Lately I've been feeling extremely angry about Ariel...a lot like, don't talk to me about her because she left us. I guess I'm grieving backwards? I don't know...but Darby brought up a good point about a connection between Ariel killing herself and Darby leaving the city. I haven't felt any ill feelings at all for Darby, but I have noticed myself getting increasingly angry with Ariel. So here are my thoughts.... It's easier for me to be angry at Ariel, because she's dead, and she left us without warning, and never considered what she could be or do for the world. Darby isn't doing any of those things, just leaving the state temporarily to get well again. So instead of dealing with my secondary emotions of sadness, abandonment and intense fear (ESPECIALLY the extreme and crippling fear), I go with anger, because it's easier. I'm not mad at Darby though....I AM mad at Ariel, and since, at its most basic, the situation is the same, I am choosing to be mad at Ariel instead of dealing with the idea that I will have to go through more grieving with the "loss," as temporary as it may be, of Darby.
THIS is why I blog...none of that had processed in my head until it came out of my fingertips onto the keyboard.
As Mark would say, "This sounds like a good thing to talk about on Wednesday." I'm too tired to sort out my emotions now, but now that I have a good idea of what NEEDS to be sorted out, well, that's a start. Whew! Mental catharsis!
Now I should really sleep. Long shift tomorrow, and if my track record holds strong, I will be sicker in the morning than I was today. BLERG! I hate being sick.
Since this link is still copied, I guess I'll post this here. I fucking love Macklemore...this is actually a serious and awesome song (Thrift Shop is still awesome, but on a different level). It's pretty awesome.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hlVBg7_08n0
So that brings me to my main point: I'm fucking awesome. I'm rocking my recovery, I'm distancing myself from those who are toxic to me, and I'm taking care of the things that make my life unnecessarily stressful, one thing at a time. I plan on moving back to my room this month. I don't like it and I don't want it, but it needs to be done.
My new counter manager started on Tuesday. I'm still sad that I didn't get the position, but so far she's super nice. First day there and she dove head-on into working, cleaning, getting acclimated, etc. I can tell she's going to be very good for our counter, and I'm excited to see how things pan out!
I guess something I need to touch on, that I'm currently in emotional denial about, is Darby's leaving Chicago. I have about 3 weeks left before she goes back to California, for necessary and well-thought-out reasons. I'm really happy that she made this choice, and I really hope she gets what she needs, because she deserves it. I know that what I'm feeling is legitimate, and she knows it too. She has become my best friend, despite the age difference. No one understands me and puts up with me the way she does, and I always know that I have a place to go when I want/need to with her. Lately I've been feeling extremely angry about Ariel...a lot like, don't talk to me about her because she left us. I guess I'm grieving backwards? I don't know...but Darby brought up a good point about a connection between Ariel killing herself and Darby leaving the city. I haven't felt any ill feelings at all for Darby, but I have noticed myself getting increasingly angry with Ariel. So here are my thoughts.... It's easier for me to be angry at Ariel, because she's dead, and she left us without warning, and never considered what she could be or do for the world. Darby isn't doing any of those things, just leaving the state temporarily to get well again. So instead of dealing with my secondary emotions of sadness, abandonment and intense fear (ESPECIALLY the extreme and crippling fear), I go with anger, because it's easier. I'm not mad at Darby though....I AM mad at Ariel, and since, at its most basic, the situation is the same, I am choosing to be mad at Ariel instead of dealing with the idea that I will have to go through more grieving with the "loss," as temporary as it may be, of Darby.
THIS is why I blog...none of that had processed in my head until it came out of my fingertips onto the keyboard.
As Mark would say, "This sounds like a good thing to talk about on Wednesday." I'm too tired to sort out my emotions now, but now that I have a good idea of what NEEDS to be sorted out, well, that's a start. Whew! Mental catharsis!
Now I should really sleep. Long shift tomorrow, and if my track record holds strong, I will be sicker in the morning than I was today. BLERG! I hate being sick.
Since this link is still copied, I guess I'll post this here. I fucking love Macklemore...this is actually a serious and awesome song (Thrift Shop is still awesome, but on a different level). It's pretty awesome.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hlVBg7_08n0
Friday, March 1, 2013
I ate a cho and I liked it
It's been a while! That's actually not a terrible thing....I find that I post less when I'm in a good place, so yay! I know I still need to be updating, at least for gratitude lists or whatever. But anyway, I had an amazing day today, so I thought I'd write about it. I'm going to tie recovery into the post too somehow.
Let's back up a week or so. Actually, give me one second to read my last post so I don't repeat myself...
...
Oh yeah! ED anger and dissociated what-the-fucks! There we go. So, 2 weeks ago was my future sister-in-law's bridal shower. It was so awesome to hang out with the bridal party, I'm really excited to be with all of them. Next stop, bachelorette party! I got 2 attendance points taken away for calling off work to be there, but family comes first.
Hmm not much else has happened...Still kicking ass and taking names at work, even with the load of pressure dropped on me. I'm very impressed with myself; old Julie would be broken and probably back in the hospital by now. Woohoo for recovery Julie!
I had my session with Mark on Wednesday, and it was almost a 45 minute chat about life; no catastrophes, no drama (no BIG drama, anyway), no slip-ups to confess to. It was really cool to go in and not have to whine or cry or change subjects, just talk about life and work and boybands. Quality therapy. It was a very expensive chat--let's be real here--but aside from that, cool.
I guess that brings me to today. I feel so good about today! I dunno. Anyway, Kristin took the train out today, where I picked her up and we drove to TK for the closing festivities of Eating Disorder Awareness Week, which included a CRAZY and HILARIOUS...what shall we call it...show?? by the dietitians and ED specialists, they danced and Terese sang "I ate a cho and I liked it" to the tune of Katy Perry's song...oh my god, dying, it was so funny. Then there was an alumnae panel Q & A, which was kinda cool, despite the whole you-don't-need-to-go-to-12-step-groups parts.
After that, we went to visit Roseann, then went to the alum dinner. Panera Mediterranean veggie sandwich...DELICIOUS. When that ended, we realized it wasn't even 7:00 yet, so we went out to hookah, SOBER, so that she could see what a good time looked like in recovery. It was really awesome to hang out with her outside the white fence, we talked a lot, and I just feel awesome.
Oh and hey, it's March. This is a big month for me. March 18 will be the anniversary of my last suicide attempt, and also marks my last hospitalization. A whole year!! I know I spent over 4 months of that in treatment...but I absolutely could have broken and been sent to the hospital from there, so, yeah...pretty fucking proud of myself right now.
I've been self-harm and purge-free for over a month now. Recovery is fucking awesome, dude. It's a "high" that lasts forever, so much better than any other, artificially/physically induced high, with none of the side effects :) I'm going to make this last. And if I slip? That doesn't mean it went away, or that it stopped. I just work my way back up, and it's still there.
Let's back up a week or so. Actually, give me one second to read my last post so I don't repeat myself...
...
Oh yeah! ED anger and dissociated what-the-fucks! There we go. So, 2 weeks ago was my future sister-in-law's bridal shower. It was so awesome to hang out with the bridal party, I'm really excited to be with all of them. Next stop, bachelorette party! I got 2 attendance points taken away for calling off work to be there, but family comes first.
Hmm not much else has happened...Still kicking ass and taking names at work, even with the load of pressure dropped on me. I'm very impressed with myself; old Julie would be broken and probably back in the hospital by now. Woohoo for recovery Julie!
I had my session with Mark on Wednesday, and it was almost a 45 minute chat about life; no catastrophes, no drama (no BIG drama, anyway), no slip-ups to confess to. It was really cool to go in and not have to whine or cry or change subjects, just talk about life and work and boybands. Quality therapy. It was a very expensive chat--let's be real here--but aside from that, cool.
I guess that brings me to today. I feel so good about today! I dunno. Anyway, Kristin took the train out today, where I picked her up and we drove to TK for the closing festivities of Eating Disorder Awareness Week, which included a CRAZY and HILARIOUS...what shall we call it...show?? by the dietitians and ED specialists, they danced and Terese sang "I ate a cho and I liked it" to the tune of Katy Perry's song...oh my god, dying, it was so funny. Then there was an alumnae panel Q & A, which was kinda cool, despite the whole you-don't-need-to-go-to-12-step-groups parts.
After that, we went to visit Roseann, then went to the alum dinner. Panera Mediterranean veggie sandwich...DELICIOUS. When that ended, we realized it wasn't even 7:00 yet, so we went out to hookah, SOBER, so that she could see what a good time looked like in recovery. It was really awesome to hang out with her outside the white fence, we talked a lot, and I just feel awesome.
Oh and hey, it's March. This is a big month for me. March 18 will be the anniversary of my last suicide attempt, and also marks my last hospitalization. A whole year!! I know I spent over 4 months of that in treatment...but I absolutely could have broken and been sent to the hospital from there, so, yeah...pretty fucking proud of myself right now.
I've been self-harm and purge-free for over a month now. Recovery is fucking awesome, dude. It's a "high" that lasts forever, so much better than any other, artificially/physically induced high, with none of the side effects :) I'm going to make this last. And if I slip? That doesn't mean it went away, or that it stopped. I just work my way back up, and it's still there.
Friday, February 22, 2013
I'm walking into spiderwebs
I know I need to blog I KNOW. I just don't have the energy to right now. So I'll just post this picture that a friend of mine put on facebook and let you imagine my reaction.
Makes me want to throw up. For more than one reason. ARGH. Also I found this poem, I know nothing about the background, but it's raw and real and hit me like a semi.
By Coco Sandes
1.
when it’s dark
and late
and i’m walking alone
my body is
whirring in time with my frantic heartbeat
and in my mind
the news broadcaster is telling me that
one in three women will be a
victim
of sexual assault in their lifetime -
well, i went out with two other girls tonight
so which one does that make me?
when it’s dark
and late
and i’m walking alone
my body is
whirring in time with my frantic heartbeat
and in my mind
the news broadcaster is telling me that
one in three women will be a
victim
of sexual assault in their lifetime -
well, i went out with two other girls tonight
so which one does that make me?
2.
arms crossed
head down
walk fast
no streetlights?
cross the street
keys between fingers
cell phone in hand
thinking,
it’s so hard to move quickly
in such a goddamn tight dress.
arms crossed
head down
walk fast
no streetlights?
cross the street
keys between fingers
cell phone in hand
thinking,
it’s so hard to move quickly
in such a goddamn tight dress.
3.
numbers, figures, stories -
they roll off your tongue in conversation
and you sometimes forget that
each
statistic-victim-survivor-horrorstory
was
brutally
brutally
brutally
created
a third of women
will have something fucked from inside them,
adam cracking eve’s chest to pluck an excess rib for himself
taken just because he could
just to store away and rub and polish
numbers, figures, stories -
they roll off your tongue in conversation
and you sometimes forget that
each
statistic-victim-survivor-horrorstory
was
brutally
brutally
brutally
created
a third of women
will have something fucked from inside them,
adam cracking eve’s chest to pluck an excess rib for himself
taken just because he could
just to store away and rub and polish
4.
this feeling is the kind of unclean
that no amount of showers can fix.
this feeling is the kind of unclean
that no amount of showers can fix.
5.
and then,
the questions -
why were you walking alone?
why didn’t you catch a cab?
why were you dressed the way you were dressed?
why didn’t you scream?
why didn’t you run?
why didn’t you fight?
and as you feel your tongue recoil with the hot blast of shame, you think -
why don’t you askthemwhy they burnt a part of me to the ground
and spat on the ashes?
and then,
the questions -
why were you walking alone?
why didn’t you catch a cab?
why were you dressed the way you were dressed?
why didn’t you scream?
why didn’t you run?
why didn’t you fight?
and as you feel your tongue recoil with the hot blast of shame, you think -
why don’t you askthemwhy they burnt a part of me to the ground
and spat on the ashes?
6.
you don’t have to tell us
that not all men are
“like that” -we have fathers, brothers, male lovers too
but statistically,
more of you are
“like that”
than you care to admit
and sometimes, we do not know if we are stepping into
dante’s inferno
or
grandmother’s cottage
until we are well and truly through the door
you don’t have to tell us
that not all men are
“like that” -we have fathers, brothers, male lovers too
but statistically,
more of you are
“like that”
than you care to admit
and sometimes, we do not know if we are stepping into
dante’s inferno
or
grandmother’s cottage
until we are well and truly through the door
7.
if you can try and feel me up
in a crowded train at peak hour
i shudder to think what you would do
had you come across me walking home alone
if you can try and feel me up
in a crowded train at peak hour
i shudder to think what you would do
had you come across me walking home alone
8.
if you claim that you are “neutral”
when it comes to rape culture -
that men shouldn’t rape
but women shouldn’t dress like sluts
and yes, rape is wrong, but what if it’s a misunderstanding -
then you are as far away from neutral
as i want to be from you
neutrality is something
that you can feel
when someone asks,
“do you like glee?”
or
“would you like some more cake?”
it is not, however
an appropriate response
- a humane response -
to the questions of
“do you think people ever ask to be raped?”
and
“if they didn’t say no, that means it’s ok, right?”
your silence
your “neutrality”
is as hurtful as the hands
that so many women have been
invaded by
held down by
pushed up a fence, fingers in mouth, torn apart by
if you claim that you are “neutral”
when it comes to rape culture -
that men shouldn’t rape
but women shouldn’t dress like sluts
and yes, rape is wrong, but what if it’s a misunderstanding -
then you are as far away from neutral
as i want to be from you
neutrality is something
that you can feel
when someone asks,
“do you like glee?”
or
“would you like some more cake?”
it is not, however
an appropriate response
- a humane response -
to the questions of
“do you think people ever ask to be raped?”
and
“if they didn’t say no, that means it’s ok, right?”
your silence
your “neutrality”
is as hurtful as the hands
that so many women have been
invaded by
held down by
pushed up a fence, fingers in mouth, torn apart by
9.
no, i’m not interested in giving you my number.
i hope you understand.
no, i’m not interested in giving you my number.
i hope you understand.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Saturday, February 9, 2013
These foolish games
Well...let's see.
I used to think I had issues at work just simply with personality clashes...I know I have a huge personality, and most of the time I embrace and love it, and I know a lot of people feel the same. I learned to let go of resentment or anger over people who didn't like me simply because of who I am, because I know not everyone is going to like everyone. People are people. Fallible, flawed people.
Today, however, I found out that it is not just my personality that people take issue with, but the way I have been presenting myself. That's not the right way to put it....I'm a different person at work than I am at home. I have been declared overbearing, domineering, bossy, annoying, self-righteous, bitch, martyr.
Let me take a step back. There's a reason why I am two different people between work and personal life. My personal life is in shambles. I'm 26, living with my parents in a "broken home," and I hardly have much to be proud of when it comes to achievements and accomplishments. I have my friends whom I love and who love me back, but I really don't like myself. It's part of my illness....I don't just have little issues with myself, I go through periods where I LOATHE myself. A lot of my self-harm has been related to emotional release, but most of it is because I hate myself and I feel that I deserve to be scarred, ugly, and in pain. I have cut myself, I have even used scissors as you would to cut a piece of paper. I have scratched my arms and hands raw to the point where I'll have scars for the rest of my life. Sometimes these scars make me sad, but most of the time they remind me of how much I deserve it. ((I am speaking in the first-person narrative of my sick mind, not my rational mind.)) Sometimes I'm embarrassed when people see or ask about my scars, but most of the time I wish I could just say "I'm a horrible person and this is nowhere near as much as I deserve." My personal life is very close to being in shambles.
When I go to work, I pick up as many shifts as allowed so that I can be that person. Work Julie is confident, bubbly and always smiling. As my recovery falters, I throw myself into my job as much as possible, and it turns out I took that overboard. Since our counter manager left, I have been delegated many of her duties, including delegating responsibilities to my fellow coworkers. I don't let it show, but this makes me very uncomfortable, because in the end, who am I to tell anyone what to do? I'm in no higher position than anyone else there. I simply do what I am asked to do....and I do it with conviction. I don't think anything should be done half-assed, and since I'm not in a position to tell this to others, I do this myself. I've been given a LOT of responsibility over the last month or so, and I have taken it extremely seriously. This makes me feel important, and when I am recognized for my work, I feel extremely proud, and it spurs on my conviction. I'm a diva (duh), and I get upset when I am not recognized, so I'm most certainly not humble when it comes to the work I do. I do a LOT, and though it should be enough just for me to know it (i.e. having character), it's not, and so I boast about it, and when I've done something really difficult, I act like a martyr about it. It all comes down to my extreme insecurities about myself and my life and my lack of accomplishments, in my head I HAVE to be recognized for the hard work I do, NO MATTER WHAT. That's sick Julie, not rational Julie. Sick Julie pushes me to be the best that I can be, and I'm pretty fucking fantastic at my job, I know this. It's the fact that I need everyone in the world to also know this, and remind them all the time, that is my fault. I have hurt and upset some coworkers, one of whom is extremely dear to me, and it kills me to know that I forgot my values and morals and general sense of decency because of the feeling of the "power" that the responsibilities have given me. Now I've heard, from multiple sources, that many many of my coworkers feel this way. I can deal with people not liking my personality...but knowing that I have actually done something, even if it was not consciously, to upset people...I hate myself for it. I'll probably get shit from someone for making this about me, but it IS about me...it's about me and my flaws. Not only did I take on this leadership role, but I wanted the actual title so badly that I would stop at nothing to prove myself to who, in my sick mind, were the people that mattered. In actuality, I hurt the person who matters most to me.
I still want this position, and I will still do my best to prove myself. I just wish someone had brought this to my attention sooner, before I turned into an unstoppable monster.
So, to those of you reading whom I've upset...I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I put my duty and ambition ahead of your personal feelings. In the end, it's not the job or the position or the salary that defines who you are, and I lost sight of that. I am truly sorry for who I've become. Please bring it to my attention (sooner, not later!) if it happens again.
Just don't ever, EVER confront me ON the sales floor IN FRONT OF my coworkers. So incredibly rude and unprofessional.
I used to think I had issues at work just simply with personality clashes...I know I have a huge personality, and most of the time I embrace and love it, and I know a lot of people feel the same. I learned to let go of resentment or anger over people who didn't like me simply because of who I am, because I know not everyone is going to like everyone. People are people. Fallible, flawed people.
Today, however, I found out that it is not just my personality that people take issue with, but the way I have been presenting myself. That's not the right way to put it....I'm a different person at work than I am at home. I have been declared overbearing, domineering, bossy, annoying, self-righteous, bitch, martyr.
Let me take a step back. There's a reason why I am two different people between work and personal life. My personal life is in shambles. I'm 26, living with my parents in a "broken home," and I hardly have much to be proud of when it comes to achievements and accomplishments. I have my friends whom I love and who love me back, but I really don't like myself. It's part of my illness....I don't just have little issues with myself, I go through periods where I LOATHE myself. A lot of my self-harm has been related to emotional release, but most of it is because I hate myself and I feel that I deserve to be scarred, ugly, and in pain. I have cut myself, I have even used scissors as you would to cut a piece of paper. I have scratched my arms and hands raw to the point where I'll have scars for the rest of my life. Sometimes these scars make me sad, but most of the time they remind me of how much I deserve it. ((I am speaking in the first-person narrative of my sick mind, not my rational mind.)) Sometimes I'm embarrassed when people see or ask about my scars, but most of the time I wish I could just say "I'm a horrible person and this is nowhere near as much as I deserve." My personal life is very close to being in shambles.
When I go to work, I pick up as many shifts as allowed so that I can be that person. Work Julie is confident, bubbly and always smiling. As my recovery falters, I throw myself into my job as much as possible, and it turns out I took that overboard. Since our counter manager left, I have been delegated many of her duties, including delegating responsibilities to my fellow coworkers. I don't let it show, but this makes me very uncomfortable, because in the end, who am I to tell anyone what to do? I'm in no higher position than anyone else there. I simply do what I am asked to do....and I do it with conviction. I don't think anything should be done half-assed, and since I'm not in a position to tell this to others, I do this myself. I've been given a LOT of responsibility over the last month or so, and I have taken it extremely seriously. This makes me feel important, and when I am recognized for my work, I feel extremely proud, and it spurs on my conviction. I'm a diva (duh), and I get upset when I am not recognized, so I'm most certainly not humble when it comes to the work I do. I do a LOT, and though it should be enough just for me to know it (i.e. having character), it's not, and so I boast about it, and when I've done something really difficult, I act like a martyr about it. It all comes down to my extreme insecurities about myself and my life and my lack of accomplishments, in my head I HAVE to be recognized for the hard work I do, NO MATTER WHAT. That's sick Julie, not rational Julie. Sick Julie pushes me to be the best that I can be, and I'm pretty fucking fantastic at my job, I know this. It's the fact that I need everyone in the world to also know this, and remind them all the time, that is my fault. I have hurt and upset some coworkers, one of whom is extremely dear to me, and it kills me to know that I forgot my values and morals and general sense of decency because of the feeling of the "power" that the responsibilities have given me. Now I've heard, from multiple sources, that many many of my coworkers feel this way. I can deal with people not liking my personality...but knowing that I have actually done something, even if it was not consciously, to upset people...I hate myself for it. I'll probably get shit from someone for making this about me, but it IS about me...it's about me and my flaws. Not only did I take on this leadership role, but I wanted the actual title so badly that I would stop at nothing to prove myself to who, in my sick mind, were the people that mattered. In actuality, I hurt the person who matters most to me.
I still want this position, and I will still do my best to prove myself. I just wish someone had brought this to my attention sooner, before I turned into an unstoppable monster.
So, to those of you reading whom I've upset...I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I put my duty and ambition ahead of your personal feelings. In the end, it's not the job or the position or the salary that defines who you are, and I lost sight of that. I am truly sorry for who I've become. Please bring it to my attention (sooner, not later!) if it happens again.
Just don't ever, EVER confront me ON the sales floor IN FRONT OF my coworkers. So incredibly rude and unprofessional.
Big wheel keep on turnin'
BEST REUNION EVER! Went to Moe's St. Baldrick's Day fundraiser event. The bar was TERRIFYING. NOT my typical crowd! But I got to sing with my Peter for the first time in over a year, so it's all good :) PB&J reunited at last. And hey, I won a free karaoke party and a gift card for a tattoo place! My head is reeling with the images of certain people's reactions to that....mom...Mark....bahahaha
Other than the pounding headache from people singing REALLY REALLY TERRIBLE heavy metal (seriously not even Mark would enjoy this), I'm really happy. It was great to see Moe and win things, and so amazing to see Peter. Yay!
Other than the pounding headache from people singing REALLY REALLY TERRIBLE heavy metal (seriously not even Mark would enjoy this), I'm really happy. It was great to see Moe and win things, and so amazing to see Peter. Yay!
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Cut my life into pieces
Watch out motherfuckers, I'm bout to throw a fucking TANTRUM. I never said that I expected my parents to understand how I feel, I would NEVER say that. I DO, however, think it is reasonable that at THIS point in my recovery/treatment process that I expect them to UNDERSTAND THAT THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND. Instead of snapping on me because you think I'm being lazy or difficult or whiny, take one goddamn second to remember all of the SHIT going on in my head, and how ONE of those things may make me act the way I am! Yeah, I'm going to use my illness(es) as an excuse for my behavior. Know why? BECAUSE IT'S ALL I CAN POSSIBLY GET THROUGH TO YOU.
WHY WOULD I EVER WANT TO GO SHOPPING FOR "SHAPEWEAR" WITH ANYONE BUT MYSELF? WHY WOULD I WANT TO TAKE SAID SHAPEWEAR TO THE BRIDAL SHOP TO TRY ON MY DRESS IN FRONT OF YOU AND WHO KNOWS HOW MANY STRANGERS JUST TO FIND OUT IT DOESN'T FIT? SHOES DON'T FIT ME AND CARSON'S WON'T BE ABLE TO FIX THAT BECAUSE EVEN MY GODDAMN FEET ARE FAT. FUCK YOUR COUPONS I DON'T GIVE A SHIT.
I CAN'T put up with ATTITUDE. Your response isn't about me, it's about YOU. FUCK.
I want to take a fucking hammer to the ugly fucking china cabinet and just hear things CRASH.
Mmm. Catharsis.
Loading up on valium. FUCK why can't I just be DONE!?
WHY WOULD I EVER WANT TO GO SHOPPING FOR "SHAPEWEAR" WITH ANYONE BUT MYSELF? WHY WOULD I WANT TO TAKE SAID SHAPEWEAR TO THE BRIDAL SHOP TO TRY ON MY DRESS IN FRONT OF YOU AND WHO KNOWS HOW MANY STRANGERS JUST TO FIND OUT IT DOESN'T FIT? SHOES DON'T FIT ME AND CARSON'S WON'T BE ABLE TO FIX THAT BECAUSE EVEN MY GODDAMN FEET ARE FAT. FUCK YOUR COUPONS I DON'T GIVE A SHIT.
I CAN'T put up with ATTITUDE. Your response isn't about me, it's about YOU. FUCK.
I want to take a fucking hammer to the ugly fucking china cabinet and just hear things CRASH.
Mmm. Catharsis.
Loading up on valium. FUCK why can't I just be DONE!?
Monday, January 28, 2013
Where there is a flame someone's bound to get burned
Just because it burns doesn't mean you're gonna die.... P!nk.
Wow, what a messed up week. I should probably explain my last post. I went back to Cabana on Thursday night, but I was good, I had a couple drinks, didn't get drunk, I was a good girl. The week before (let's call this the unruly hot-fucking-mess night) I gave my number to a few people (oops), but there was one in particular I really liked. I won't go into details...it was like a spark at first meeting I guess. WOW THAT SOUNDS LAME. Anyway, last week, he was there with a girl. A few people told me oh they're just friends blah blah blah, but then he ended up leaving with her (after he and I had a conversation about singing and college and him calling me etc). Yeah, I got upset. The upset was very little from that specific incident...it was kind of the straw that breaks the eating disorder's back. IMMEDIATELY the only things in my head were "It doesn't matter that her face is plain and her hair is flat and she can't walk in those shoes and she looks extremely boring, she's skinny. EVERYONE LIKES SKINNY GIRLS." SO I ended up leaving with Kim instead of staying for Bohemian Rhapsody. About halfway home I started crying about how disgusting I am and it doesn't matter how awesome I can think I am or how amazing people can say I am; I am not skinny or pretty so how can I possibly meet someone new? No one is open to the possibility of a romantic/intimate relationship when they are so turned off by my appearance before they get to know me. Even if they did get to know me first, once they see me it's a dealbreaker. Can't blame them, I feel the same way.
So I completely gave up. I purged twice and ended up self-harming, after setting a 4 month record. I'm not at a point where I can say "But it was 4 months, that's great!" No, it's a failure. No one says to me "You made it through 2 years of college, that's amazing!" NO, because illness ruined that for me too.
I'm still really hating myself. BUT, I am back to work. 6 days in a row, day off, then another 6 days in a row. Having 3 days off in a row was terrible. I knew it would be, but there was nothing I could do about it. SO I'm back to focusing all my attention on work, and the gratitude I have that between working full shifts and taking pills, I'm not uncomfortably hungry, so I don't eat anything all day. Caffeine and nicotine, mmm.
I'm ridiculous. This post makes me sad. I need a good slap in the face to get me focused on recovery again. It would be a lot easier if my nightmares weren't back FULL FORCE. NOW I'm having a nightmare that the rapist walks into the library and sees me during my therapy session. And though my therapist is there when I see him, when I look back he's gone, and I find myself in the corner of the tiny room on the floor screaming, SCREAMING, while he pounds on the door and screams threats. I can see people sitting around in the library, just as usual, as if they can't hear or see anything. :(
Good night...
Wow, what a messed up week. I should probably explain my last post. I went back to Cabana on Thursday night, but I was good, I had a couple drinks, didn't get drunk, I was a good girl. The week before (let's call this the unruly hot-fucking-mess night) I gave my number to a few people (oops), but there was one in particular I really liked. I won't go into details...it was like a spark at first meeting I guess. WOW THAT SOUNDS LAME. Anyway, last week, he was there with a girl. A few people told me oh they're just friends blah blah blah, but then he ended up leaving with her (after he and I had a conversation about singing and college and him calling me etc). Yeah, I got upset. The upset was very little from that specific incident...it was kind of the straw that breaks the eating disorder's back. IMMEDIATELY the only things in my head were "It doesn't matter that her face is plain and her hair is flat and she can't walk in those shoes and she looks extremely boring, she's skinny. EVERYONE LIKES SKINNY GIRLS." SO I ended up leaving with Kim instead of staying for Bohemian Rhapsody. About halfway home I started crying about how disgusting I am and it doesn't matter how awesome I can think I am or how amazing people can say I am; I am not skinny or pretty so how can I possibly meet someone new? No one is open to the possibility of a romantic/intimate relationship when they are so turned off by my appearance before they get to know me. Even if they did get to know me first, once they see me it's a dealbreaker. Can't blame them, I feel the same way.
So I completely gave up. I purged twice and ended up self-harming, after setting a 4 month record. I'm not at a point where I can say "But it was 4 months, that's great!" No, it's a failure. No one says to me "You made it through 2 years of college, that's amazing!" NO, because illness ruined that for me too.
I'm still really hating myself. BUT, I am back to work. 6 days in a row, day off, then another 6 days in a row. Having 3 days off in a row was terrible. I knew it would be, but there was nothing I could do about it. SO I'm back to focusing all my attention on work, and the gratitude I have that between working full shifts and taking pills, I'm not uncomfortably hungry, so I don't eat anything all day. Caffeine and nicotine, mmm.
I'm ridiculous. This post makes me sad. I need a good slap in the face to get me focused on recovery again. It would be a lot easier if my nightmares weren't back FULL FORCE. NOW I'm having a nightmare that the rapist walks into the library and sees me during my therapy session. And though my therapist is there when I see him, when I look back he's gone, and I find myself in the corner of the tiny room on the floor screaming, SCREAMING, while he pounds on the door and screams threats. I can see people sitting around in the library, just as usual, as if they can't hear or see anything. :(
Good night...
Thursday, January 24, 2013
.
I'm so FUCKING fucked up. FUCK. I don't think I could hate myself any more than I do right now. SO many levels of relapse right now. FUCK.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Happiness I cannot feel and love to me is so unreal
I am going to try to sort out my thoughts now so it might be a little clearer tomorrow...
I am feeling a whole range of things, none of which are "good" or the equivalent. I'm having really strong feelings...hopeless, useless, lethargic, apathetic, disgusting, annoying, childish, lonely, abandoned, pathetic...that's a few. I'm feeling useless and lethargic because I have 3 goddamn days off work in a row, and all the laundry/cleaning in the world can't make me feel like I have a purpose.
I feel lonely all the time, even when I'm with people. I wanted to spend my 3 days off in my basement den of depression, but yesterday I decided to use some skills, so I called a few people, then Ali came over, we had a random night, and she left this morning. All day it's felt like I haven't seen anyone in weeks. SO I feel really terrible about saying I'm lonely, because Ali actually was there for me. Why can't my brain just think that's enough? So then I go throwing pity parties via my facebook status, and then I'm pissed off because people don't rush to console me. BORDERLINE! Once again struggling with the fact that I don't NEED to be with someone all the time. So that's why I feel annoying and childish too.
I'm really feeling disgusting. I just keep eating. And as much as I can say "I'm not purging, that's progress," I feel like SHIT because I'm only acting on HALF of my disorder; the half that keeps me FAT. I ate my biggest and most disgusting trigger food today, I want to puke just thinking about it, I'm so fucking ANGRY. I bought pills to make me not hungry. They work, when I take enough, to make me feel full. My PROBLEM is that I JUST KEEP FUCKING EATING. I can't possibly pick up my bridesmaid dress like this, I can't put that on this thing. This THING. BLOB. DSJGNSLKDJGSDGER0T923458.
And then I just feel pathetic because of all of this. Since I went drinking last week, I just want to go get drunk. Let's be accountable here: 6 beers, 5 shots, 2 long islands. FUCK. I'm a little proud of that. And that makes me feel more awful. I've been crying on and off for days, everyone keeps asking me what's wrong even when I think I'm putting up a good mask, and I'm just so TIRED!
OH, and THEN, to cope with stress from family business, I went shopping. Now my account is WAAAAAAAAY in the hole. My mom is helping me pay for therapy this week and I REALLY fucking need to see him more often to deal with my fuck ups BUT I HAVE NO MONEY.
I'm so angry at myself! "Be gentle with yourself..." I DON'T DESERVE THAT.
I'm just on so many levels of self-loathing. It is KILLING me to not self-harm. AND DON'T TELL ME THAT'S GOOD I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT. It's a pity party, and only I am invited.
I don't know what to do. I'm sure there's plenty I could be doing to be "gentle" with myself but sick Julie just wants me to suffer, and healthy Julie is sick of fighting.
I am feeling a whole range of things, none of which are "good" or the equivalent. I'm having really strong feelings...hopeless, useless, lethargic, apathetic, disgusting, annoying, childish, lonely, abandoned, pathetic...that's a few. I'm feeling useless and lethargic because I have 3 goddamn days off work in a row, and all the laundry/cleaning in the world can't make me feel like I have a purpose.
I feel lonely all the time, even when I'm with people. I wanted to spend my 3 days off in my basement den of depression, but yesterday I decided to use some skills, so I called a few people, then Ali came over, we had a random night, and she left this morning. All day it's felt like I haven't seen anyone in weeks. SO I feel really terrible about saying I'm lonely, because Ali actually was there for me. Why can't my brain just think that's enough? So then I go throwing pity parties via my facebook status, and then I'm pissed off because people don't rush to console me. BORDERLINE! Once again struggling with the fact that I don't NEED to be with someone all the time. So that's why I feel annoying and childish too.
I'm really feeling disgusting. I just keep eating. And as much as I can say "I'm not purging, that's progress," I feel like SHIT because I'm only acting on HALF of my disorder; the half that keeps me FAT. I ate my biggest and most disgusting trigger food today, I want to puke just thinking about it, I'm so fucking ANGRY. I bought pills to make me not hungry. They work, when I take enough, to make me feel full. My PROBLEM is that I JUST KEEP FUCKING EATING. I can't possibly pick up my bridesmaid dress like this, I can't put that on this thing. This THING. BLOB. DSJGNSLKDJGSDGER0T923458.
And then I just feel pathetic because of all of this. Since I went drinking last week, I just want to go get drunk. Let's be accountable here: 6 beers, 5 shots, 2 long islands. FUCK. I'm a little proud of that. And that makes me feel more awful. I've been crying on and off for days, everyone keeps asking me what's wrong even when I think I'm putting up a good mask, and I'm just so TIRED!
OH, and THEN, to cope with stress from family business, I went shopping. Now my account is WAAAAAAAAY in the hole. My mom is helping me pay for therapy this week and I REALLY fucking need to see him more often to deal with my fuck ups BUT I HAVE NO MONEY.
I'm so angry at myself! "Be gentle with yourself..." I DON'T DESERVE THAT.
I'm just on so many levels of self-loathing. It is KILLING me to not self-harm. AND DON'T TELL ME THAT'S GOOD I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT. It's a pity party, and only I am invited.
I don't know what to do. I'm sure there's plenty I could be doing to be "gentle" with myself but sick Julie just wants me to suffer, and healthy Julie is sick of fighting.
Friday, January 18, 2013
Still just a rat in a cage
There's so much in my head and it's all colliding and all I can hear is pounding and static and buzzing and run-on sentences. I am a fuck up and I always will be. My fuck-ups may vary in intensity, but hey it's what I do. I would really like to drink into oblivion if I hadn't woken up so hungover.
Ever been to a haunted house or an obstacle house or something that has those huge blow up punching bag type things that press in on you from every direction? No? Well anyway...I'm feeling lonely in a crowded room, claustrophobic in an open field, and just perpetually plunging to my death, except the death part never comes.
Shit is BLEAK.
Ever been to a haunted house or an obstacle house or something that has those huge blow up punching bag type things that press in on you from every direction? No? Well anyway...I'm feeling lonely in a crowded room, claustrophobic in an open field, and just perpetually plunging to my death, except the death part never comes.
Shit is BLEAK.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Monday, January 14, 2013
I put your picture away
I need to ask my therapist why I start crying uncontrollably when I look at old pictures of myself. It feels like when I look at pictures of people who have died. I'm too tired and emotional to expand on that.
Look what a fucking badass I was...
Look what a fucking badass I was...
The time has come, the walrus said...
To talk of many things--
I'm not liking today. Or I'm not liking myself today. I'm not sure. I think both. Fragmented sentences. Bad grammar. Ok done.
I'm feeling..."fine." Fucked up-insecure-neurotic-emotionally unstable. BLAH! I don't like having days off. I don't like working constantly, of course, but I hate my situation. I hate living with my parents and feeling more anxious about a day at home than a day at work. If I don't feel useless enough, I sure am reminded of it. I have no motivation to do anything in this house, because I hate it. Why do you think I've been living in the basement for almost 2 months? I don't want to be here. I love my mom. I hate being here. I'm kind of back to perpetuating my own demise. In school, I felt inadequate, so I became depressed, then stopped going to class, then showed up and felt even dumber because I obviously didn't know the things I missed, so I got more depressed, then skipped more class. BOOM! 26 and no degree.
--of shoes and ships and sealing wax--
I'm stuck again. I get stuck in this rut I've made for myself...I have no money to move out, so I sit and sulk about it. So, in my usual pattern, being depressed, I try to lift my spirits in the one reliable way I know how: I buy things. Things that I need or want or I think are pretty. And yet, somehow, it still comes as a shock to me when I still have no money to move out. skdjfskdhbgepidugjbewrpiugjbevg!!!
--of cabbages and kings--
I think I'm a little emo because the one guy I really hit it off with found someone else. It took everything in me not to grill him about what was wrong with me and why I wasn't good enough. I don't know...I'm feeling lonely. Yes, I know the difference between alone and lonely, just like I know I can be with people and still lonely. Where is everyone?
--and why the sea is boiling hot--
I had much more coherent thoughts in my head before I actually sat down to write this. I don't know. I feel useless, lonely, ignored...I've been feeling really sour since my birthday went ignored at work for the 3rd year in a row. Maybe that makes me childish, I don't care. I'm upset with my lack of accomplishments in my life, my living situation, my body, etc. Speaking of body. My bridesmaid dress came in this week. I'm pretending I didn't get the message. I was really proud of myself the last 3 days for how much I didn't eat, I was so happy with how hungry I was, and, last night, how dizzy I was. Then today I ate, and I ate disgusting things and I just didn't stop. I hate feeling like this at night...there's nothing I can do to pull myself out of this at this time, I'm just going to sleep and wake up feeling just as useless as I did today. Probably more so because of the eating. Useless stupid blob, can't do anything right, and just taking up (a lot of) space and wasting everyone's time and energy. I'm just too fed up and emotionally exhausted to contradict myself right now. :(
--and whether pigs have wings.
I'm not liking today. Or I'm not liking myself today. I'm not sure. I think both. Fragmented sentences. Bad grammar. Ok done.
I'm feeling..."fine." Fucked up-insecure-neurotic-emotionally unstable. BLAH! I don't like having days off. I don't like working constantly, of course, but I hate my situation. I hate living with my parents and feeling more anxious about a day at home than a day at work. If I don't feel useless enough, I sure am reminded of it. I have no motivation to do anything in this house, because I hate it. Why do you think I've been living in the basement for almost 2 months? I don't want to be here. I love my mom. I hate being here. I'm kind of back to perpetuating my own demise. In school, I felt inadequate, so I became depressed, then stopped going to class, then showed up and felt even dumber because I obviously didn't know the things I missed, so I got more depressed, then skipped more class. BOOM! 26 and no degree.
--of shoes and ships and sealing wax--
I'm stuck again. I get stuck in this rut I've made for myself...I have no money to move out, so I sit and sulk about it. So, in my usual pattern, being depressed, I try to lift my spirits in the one reliable way I know how: I buy things. Things that I need or want or I think are pretty. And yet, somehow, it still comes as a shock to me when I still have no money to move out. skdjfskdhbgepidugjbewrpiugjbevg!!!
--of cabbages and kings--
I think I'm a little emo because the one guy I really hit it off with found someone else. It took everything in me not to grill him about what was wrong with me and why I wasn't good enough. I don't know...I'm feeling lonely. Yes, I know the difference between alone and lonely, just like I know I can be with people and still lonely. Where is everyone?
--and why the sea is boiling hot--
I had much more coherent thoughts in my head before I actually sat down to write this. I don't know. I feel useless, lonely, ignored...I've been feeling really sour since my birthday went ignored at work for the 3rd year in a row. Maybe that makes me childish, I don't care. I'm upset with my lack of accomplishments in my life, my living situation, my body, etc. Speaking of body. My bridesmaid dress came in this week. I'm pretending I didn't get the message. I was really proud of myself the last 3 days for how much I didn't eat, I was so happy with how hungry I was, and, last night, how dizzy I was. Then today I ate, and I ate disgusting things and I just didn't stop. I hate feeling like this at night...there's nothing I can do to pull myself out of this at this time, I'm just going to sleep and wake up feeling just as useless as I did today. Probably more so because of the eating. Useless stupid blob, can't do anything right, and just taking up (a lot of) space and wasting everyone's time and energy. I'm just too fed up and emotionally exhausted to contradict myself right now. :(
--and whether pigs have wings.
Friday, January 11, 2013
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Life goes on, it gets so heavy
I'm in a funk. I'm seriously in bed surfing facebook for things to make me feel sorry for myself. Borderline is trying to rear its ugly head. I went through someone's pictures (yeah, stalking) and felt worse and worse about myself when I saw her with all her other friends, doing things that we haven't done, and just thinking about why she likes all these people more than me. Absolute false insanity. Maybe it's false maybe it's true, I don't know, but I don't HAVE to know. The ugly voice in my head just keeps saying, "More proof that all of your friends would pick someone else over you. They're just hanging out with you because they're bored/they feel sorry for you/no one else could go out. They don't really like you, they think you're crazy, and they're all slowly drifting away, you can see and feel it, can't you?" People say "well if they didn't like you, they just wouldn't hang out with you." But you know what? I've definitely gone out with people I didn't really care for, because I was bored and borderline. If I did, they all do too, right? UGH. I'm able to acknowledge that this is a toxic voice filling me with toxic thoughts that bring me toxic emotions. It's a little too late to stop the emotions. They've already settled in, and will probably wreak havoc on my nightmares.
I feel really petty and whiny as I'm writing this. Compared to what I've been through, and what other people are going through, I sound like a whiny 3 year old.
This is NOT a good night for my self esteem!!
I guess I do have some valid reasons for feeling a little lost/hurt/confused. Ugly voice wants to add "betrayed." But rational voice is pushing that down (somewhat unsuccessfully). I don't know...I want to write about it but I happen to plaster my posts all over my facebook so I can't.
Gotta get out of this funk...
I feel really petty and whiny as I'm writing this. Compared to what I've been through, and what other people are going through, I sound like a whiny 3 year old.
This is NOT a good night for my self esteem!!
I guess I do have some valid reasons for feeling a little lost/hurt/confused. Ugly voice wants to add "betrayed." But rational voice is pushing that down (somewhat unsuccessfully). I don't know...I want to write about it but I happen to plaster my posts all over my facebook so I can't.
Gotta get out of this funk...
Friday, January 4, 2013
Singin' ohhhhh, the sun must set to rise
Something big is happening...something exciting that is also producing a ton of anxiety for me...I can't post about it, not in public, just yet. Things could be happening for me. I'll post about it as soon as I can! Otherwise just ask me :)
I'm really itchy, I don't know why.
I've been trying to post on here for like 4 days, but once I open the screen, my head just fills with static buzzing and the elevator version of "Girl from Ipanema." And now it's in your head, you're welcome.
And even now, all I'm doing is spewing forth nonsense. Let's try again...
Maybe a recap of recent events? Let's see...New year's eve was really great. Worked until 6, then took 1 1/2 hours to get up to Ali's in Lincoln Park. We took the bus to the Hancock center and ate at the Cheesecake Factory. It was my first time in the city for nye, so that was cool. We had a lot of fun waiting for our table, too. We're nuts.
\
I'm really itchy, I don't know why.
I've been trying to post on here for like 4 days, but once I open the screen, my head just fills with static buzzing and the elevator version of "Girl from Ipanema." And now it's in your head, you're welcome.
And even now, all I'm doing is spewing forth nonsense. Let's try again...
Maybe a recap of recent events? Let's see...New year's eve was really great. Worked until 6, then took 1 1/2 hours to get up to Ali's in Lincoln Park. We took the bus to the Hancock center and ate at the Cheesecake Factory. It was my first time in the city for nye, so that was cool. We had a lot of fun waiting for our table, too. We're nuts.
\
After dinner, we headed back to Ali's place, did some excellent drunk-idiot-people-watching, and rang in the new year with Welch's sparkling juice :) I got extremely sick overnight (bad cold) and though I hadn't had anything to drink, I woke up feeling like I had a raging hangover. NO fun. I can thank my coworker for giving me her sick....TWICE IN 2 MONTHS. Bleehhhh. So in the morning we went for breakfast, I saw a girl from college, and I went home where I laid in bed being a sick baby for 2 days. Living the dream, my friends.
I have to tell you all, and myself, how proud I am of myself. I didn't just survive new years, I LIVED, I had FUN! I wasn't a slave to my own memories, flashbacks or nightmares. I kicked PTSD ass. I felt my heart/lungs go into a little panic around 11:45, but I squashed that. Last year, to cope, I took a bunch of valium and slept for 18 hours. Nowadays, I don't even need benzos for anxiety. I don't actually even have an emergency anxiety med anymore...if I need one, I take benadryl and DBT myself down. I'm fucking awesome.
I've recently gotten back in touch with an old friend. I'm really excited to see her and hopefully we're both in a better place (I know I am!) to hold our friendship together. Last time was a disaster...we were both having our own crises and were completely unavailable to support one another, and that led to catastrophic fall-out. I'm sure she'd agree.
I got a new computer! I did find some awesome stuff when I was using my parents's computer though...assignments and reports from high school, as well as the scripts I wrote for variety show, and an awesome jackpot of high school pictures. I was so excited! This is one of my favorites. Super sad my parents made me sell my drums :( Also, I really wish I could see whose picture is on the dartboard...I think it might be Ruben Studdard...?
This one's a goodie too...me and Laura in Little Shop of Horrors. CLEARLY you can tell I'm playing a black woman. Ugh I looked so much thinner. BLAH.
Everything else is pretty much the same. Work is still going great, relationships are holding on, all that fun stuff. Vicky's bridal shower is next month, I'm very excited! I'm really glad I get to get a new dress.....NOT so glad that I have to do the whole trying-on bit...but I'll get through it, I think.
Good night!
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