Cuz it's like you're my mirror

So, got home from seeing Darby in California last night.  It was so hard to leave :(  Some emotional things came up that I kind of want to process.  So, I got Darby hooked on Stargate SG1 (in her words, "WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE TO ME!?" bahahaha) and we were watching an episode (in case you follow....season 1, "Brief Candle.")  And anyway stuff happens and Jack gets to see his dead son again, even though he knows it's not really his son, and I just started crying of course.  Darby said "Wouldn't that just be crueler?"  And it was like this thought process went through my head in a split second, that if you didn't have to watch the person die again....if you just got to spend one or two more hours with them....wouldn't you?  She happens to have a picture of Ariel on her wall, and I fucking LOST IT.  I've avoided talking/thinking about Ariel because I've either been so angry with her or telling myself I'm angry with her because it's easier to deal with.  I just felt empty, that same sense of despair that I felt the day that Janelle called and told me what happened, and it's good I was sitting because when that call came I collapsed.  I've been telling myself I'm angry, even snapping on other people who start to talk about her, because I don't want to feel that pain ever again.  The only other significant losses I've been through were my grandparents, and they both died naturally of very old age, not suddenly.  No one was ever ripped from me the way she was.  I'm angry because it was HER choice to leave.  But mostly I just feel so...damaged.  She was a part of my heart that can never be filled again.  When I use the term "ripped from me," that's what it physically feels like.  Like part of my heart is being wrenched out of my body.  If anyone watches Once Upon a Time, it feels like how it looks when Regina rips people's hearts out.  I hate to throw that petty example in, but it fits.  I had to go in the bathroom and turn on the water and cry for a while.  Maybe it's time to go back into that topic.
Stupid time difference...dear body, we're back in Chicago now.  Deal with it.