I AM TIRED OF HATERS AND BITCHES.

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Too tired for a full blog, but I'm being considered for full time at work! Weeeeeee! And I leave for Florida in 10 days! WEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! If my good mood lasts through Nami, then I will have had my first good week in...........YEARS. An entire week...let's not jinx this!

Look!

Blog.

And dream how wonderful your life will be

"Lullabye" by Billy Joel is by far my favorite song ever. But that line always gets me. "Good night my angel now it's time to dream, and dream how wonderful your life will be..." No one dreams of the shit I'm going through. Sorry to sound melodramatic but I don't feel like going into details. I nearly cut myself or did something worse today, so I'm staying with Jim and Vicky tonight. Had to leave the situation.

When you make your child feel like a trash bag and a list and a nuisance, is it any wonder why they want to kill themselves? I wish these thoughts would go away.

I love you, a bushel and a peck...

Damn you, Guys and Dolls.

Anyway. Sometimes I wish my parents could sit in on the patient NAMI meetings, so they can stop thinking I'm the only one in the world who gets depressed, sleeps til 2, has a lot of trouble getting shit done, is in denial about declaring disability...and maybe they would stop thinking I'm such a horrible daughter and stop being all shouty and passive aggressive. Yeah, I noticed the lights were off when I got home. I wish my dad would get off his ass after his entire day of doing NOTHING and get to NAMI parent-to-parent meetings. I wish they would leave me alone because this whole tough love thing? NOT WORKING. Makes me more depressed, makes me want to isolate. "Use your PHP binder and use those coping skills." Yeah? Yet again we're under the delusion that a few weeks in a hospital program should have cured me? I'm under so much stress and I can't talk to them about it because my dad doesn't give a shit and just shouts non stop, and my mom just gets pissy and in the "I don't care what you do" or "You only have today to clean the kitchen table" attitude and I can't handle this shit. I'm just going to save ALL of my paychecks until I can move out. Because guess what, parentals, in Nami there are 40+ year olds living with their parents, because they CAN'T move out. Keep adding to the mountain of shit on my back and I'll become one of them. I'm looking at cheap 1-bedrooms. I don't care what neighborhood as long as it's close to work, where I got passed over for the full time position that opened up because, ironically, I WAS IN TREATMENT SO I COULD MAKE A SUCCESSFUL RETURN TO WORK.
I'm very angry, hurt, depressed. I just want to isolate and cry. They don't understand and they never will. I feel like instead of learning how to HELP me, they're just trying to learn how to DEAL with me. Like I'm a pest they have to get used to. Screw that. I'm moving out as soon as shit is in order. Then have fun with your "happy" marriage.
I hope you're happy. I'm crying again. Go yell at me some more.

How to deal

Ever fall for someone so hard that every time you think of them it's like electricity jolts through you? Ever fall for that person and they happen to be MARRIED? This sucks. I swore off feeling anything for a long time and it has to happen now. Some day my prince will come. Yeah right, go die in a fire, Snow White. Or is that Cinderella? Oh well all Disney princesses get what they want in the end so screw 'em all. If there are other perfect men out there, they're not looking for someone like me. I should become a nun, then I'd have an excuse for the pathetic lack of relationships in my life. Nah, those outfits would do nothing for my looks. Fuck.

Extra extra, read all about it

This just in: I'M AN IDIOT. Why can't I just keep my stupid mouth shut.

Rarrrrrrrrrr

Cruel cruel world. Married. RAWR!

Let Our Hearts Be Bound As One

Had a good day...let's keep this up!

Young girl, it's alright.

Well I cried my way through half the day...PHP was hard. But then I went tanning and felt better, then went running/swimming at the Good Sam Wellness Center, which is AMAZING. 3 pools. Then I spent some quality time with Kat. I hate that such horrible things have to happen to such good, wonderful, amazing people. Why is life so hard? Rhetorical, fyi.
Tomorrow I'm off PHP, so I'm going to therapy with Kat, then she's gonna come over and we're gonna clean and watch nerd movies. Bomb! Then Thursday morning is breakfast at Michelle's...let's hope this good streak lasts!

Can I just die now?

And I'm like, fuck youuuuu

Having a shitty shitty day, and I've only been awake for a half hour. My weekends suck. I think it's all hitting me now...I'm done with PHP in a week even though I'm not ready. That's the biggest thing. I'm really, REALLY not ready. FUCK YOU insurance. I've gone and made a good friend feel guilty because of my own paranoid thinking. My mom is still leaving snide comments on my facebook.
And now Michelle canceled game night, so I have nothing to look forward to or keep me occupied. Suicidal ideations run rampant in idle minds. I can't stop crying. I fucking hate my life and I am fucking SICK of being depressed and feeling like my heart is being torn to shreds. Permanent sleep sounds amazing.

Oh hey mania, what's up?

Maaaaan I'm gonna pay for this in the morning. Went to NAMI at CDH, it was super different than the Good Sam meetings. Then me and Katherine went to Cabana. Then I got home and had a rush of creativity, so I made new binder pictures for my PHP binder of crap. I really like my cover. My mind is racing so rather than babbling...

MC: For some reason I couldn't comment back, but thanks :) Debra and I were talking randomly about how rare it is to find not only such a gentleman out there, but one who is so open and honest and determined to get better. I respect you so much, and hope for only the best for you. Now, you got any brothers? Who AREN'T married?? :P

ML: My prayers are with you and yours...report back to us asap, we miss you and want to know if you and your family are okay! <3

Imagine all the people, living life in peace...

You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. Ahh I love my John Lennon poster right next to my bed :)

I've gotta stop being so tired all the time. Dear body: grow up. We've been out of college for years now, we can't stay on that sleep rhythm. Sincerely, the one who has to be awake.

PHP ended on a rather heavy note today. How can you be valued if you don't value yourself? How can you be loved if you don't love yourself? These thoughts trigger much depression and hopelessness in me. It would be nice to be told I'm valued or loved more often, but how long until I start believing in it? Believing in me? There's got to be some kind of higher purpose for being cursed with this. I wish I knew how normal people lived. How they can love themselves with no issue.

I also had a coffee date with Michelle today. Brought up an interesting point...I was talking about how my dreams of a happy marriage have been pretty much obliterated by this illness and how I'm just now becoming reluctant about my desire to have kids because I don't want to pass this on...no one should have to go through this, and if I'm responsible for MAKING someone go through it, let alone someone who is MY child, I couldn't live with myself. I'll have to ask my mom what you do when your child tells you they want to kill herself. I commend her strength through all my ridiculousness.

I've been getting irritable again...something's up, and I can't pinpoint exactly what it is. It's like depression and hypomania mixed together....I can't figure it out.

Also, Charlie Sheen is OUT OF HIS MIND. Makes me feel better about myself. I hope he finds help. And not through scientology.

Let's sum up this post with: wtf?

Comment on my blog people. make me feel loved.