Heart, don't fail me now!

Hello friends and loved ones.  Guess who's coming home tomorrow!  Insurance cut out 3 days ago (grrr) so I'm discharging tomorrow, then Friday I start PHP here at TK.  I have a lot of mixed emotions.  I'm extremely nervous...I don't think anyone is truly "ready" to leave this safe, cushy, controlled environment and dive back into the triggering unknown.  I'm excited to go home and see my mom and my room and my CATS oh god my cats!  My treatment team doesn't think I'm ready to go a full weekend at home though, since I was so unceremoniously dropped without notice, so I'm staying with Diane for a couple days.  I can't wait to see her and the kids, and my brother and Vicky, and LAIKA, and I can't wait to meet Griswold!  And holy shit I get to use my CELL PHONE!!!  It's true, you don't know what you have til it's taken away, haha.  I still get to go on Saturday's incentive outing though, so I get to go mini-golfing and movie watching with my Pine girls :)  Since I know I'm going to Diane's I feel much more ready...as ready as I can be, I suppose.  And it's not like I'm leaving here forever, I'll still come every day, I just get to go home at night.  I was supposed to go on an outing with my Stress Management group to Little Red Schoolhouse today, but thankfully I have a family thing to go to.  I say thankfully because we had to go there every year in girl scouts and it is BOOOOORIIIIIIING!  Anyway my mind is a jumble right now...ahhh!!!  OK well next time I update I might be at home... O.O
Later!

Diane!

Forgot to post this...oh Diane, the  loveliest and best cousin in the entire world, I got your card today.  Thank you so much!!  Getting mail makes me so happy, and what you wrote was just so nice...thank you!  And I agree it is ABSURD that we only see each other twice a year.  Not OK.  We'll work on that :)
THANK YOU!!! Love you!  Say hi to Chris and the kids and your nutty brothers for me!

It's a TK Life

Greetings!  Today's another day.  I talked with Mark (therapist) about the really crazy difficult stuff I processed yesterday, thinking I'd leave his office and want to jump in the swamp behind my lodge, but I actually feel better than ever!  I came back to the lodge all smiles.  I know this isn't the end of this business, it's really only just begun, but I'm taking huge steps here.  This was a secret I've had for 15+ years and never told anyone, and never PLANNED on telling anyone, regarding my sexual abuse and the emotions surrounding it.  It was something that haunted me ever since, but I was too ashamed and disgusted with myself to bring myself to talk about it.  I'm still not gonna tell anyone outside of here (sorry charlies), but it was a GIANT step to get it out, especially to a male therapist.  I also talked about my transference issues.  I never really knew what transference was, let alone what it was for me, until I got here.  I came to the realization that I idolize men who work in the mental health field (or who are just awesome about it) because it was all of the trust, understanding, compassion and validation that I never got from a father.  SO I transfer those wishes onto therapists and counselors.  It's not necessarily the greatest realization, but it definitely cleared things up, and Mark completely understood.  Seriously, he's amazing.  If he was gay he'd be even better than Marcus (O.O) haha.  Actually he is better.  They're both awesome let's not lie.  Anyway...I've also gotten a LOT better at the whole interpersonal effectiveness thing, meaning how I relate to others, how I won't compromise my values, opinions or sense of self based on what I perceive that others around me expect.  I really am my own person again.  And as usual this session must be cut short because smoke break is almost over!

Once again, my address:
Timberline Knolls
Julie Boyer
Pine Lodge
40 Timberline Dr.
Lemont, IL 60439

AND if you want to call (please do!) the phone numbers are:
(630) 343-2361 (1-8)

Phone times:
6:30am--7:25am
11:00-11:30am
1:30-1:55pm
3:20-4:30pm
6:30-7:10pm
8:20-8:55pm
9:30-10:00pm

And my email is JCBoyer08@gmail.com

LOVE YOU ALL! :)

No One Ever Mentions Fear

Short post cause I gotta go out for smoke break.  Having a rough day today...shared some intense stuff in process group that I had never told anyone, and honestly never PLANNED on telling anyone, surrounding my childhood traumas and sexual abuse.  Promptly had a sobbing panic attack, psychiatrist said I "need to work through this" and "use those DBT skills" and other useless things to someone in the midst of panic.  Eventually got a PRN and took a nap, then woke up to a BHS (behavioral health specialist) banging shit around in my room.  I miss privacy.  SO needless to say my anxiety is on overload, but I AM in fact using my skills, so go me.  Now I have to drag all this stuff up tomorrow for my session with my (awesome) therapist.  Way to work through the tough stuff, Julie!  Yeaaaaah buddy.  OK smoke time.  Later loved ones.

Greetings from TK!

WHAT'S UP LOVERS!!!  Yes, I am still at residential.  I have gotten to the final phase, which means I'm allowed to do (limited) things on the computer!  Good times.  It's almost been 2 months, and it feels like I got here yesterday.  This was the best choice I could have EVER made in my entire life.  I have made SO much progress, I'm almost literally a completely new person.  For the first time, I am comfortable with myself, and I can officially say I LOVE myself!  AHHH!!!  That makes me so happy.  This place is definitely not without its drama and craziness, but I've grown so much...no more freak outs, no more constant judgement, no more crazy behaviors.  I seriously feel like I know what I'm doing, and I know what I want from life, and I actually feel like I'm in a position to attain my meaningful life.  I've never been so happy!  I've stopped compromising who I am for other people, I've stopped CHANGING who I am for other people.  I love myself, and I'm fine with the fact that not everyone else will.  Screw 'em! 
I STRONGLY recommend this place to any women out there who need it.  My life is forever changed. :)

I'm a little upset that I can't go on facebook or AIM but I think I'll live.  They're thinking possible discharge as early as next week!  The plan is for me to go to Magnolia House, which is the TK transitional living program.  There's a long wait list though, and they think my insurance will probably cut out soon, so if I don't get to Mag, I'll be doing PHP here.  Basically I'd be doing the exact same program, eating here, etc., but I'd go home at night.  Either way, I'm excited to get on with my life :)

I'll keep you all posted for sure.  Special thanks to Chrissy, my mom told me how you've been asking her how I am, and I really appreciate it!  Unfortunately they don't want us calling anyone besides family :(  But still, thank you :D

If anyone wants to send me a lovely card (please do!) send to:
Timberline Knolls
Julie Boyer
Pine Lodge
40 Timberline Dr.
Lemont, IL 60439

Until next time, take care of yourselves.  And each other. :)