Grrr

I'm annoyed. I'm going back to bed. What to do when shit is too petty to bring up at php?

The snozberries taste like snozberries.

How come any guy I'm attracted to is inevitably gay, married, or a drug addict? FML.

That aside...today went by fast. Something triggered a little depression/irritability, but I'm not sure what. Gotta talk to the doc too about the impulsiveness...Gaaah.

But I'm meeting Michelle for coffee tomorrow, that should be fun. Maybe I can convince her to cook me dinner too. Muaha.

So much rambling! All in all not an awful day...will post more later if I can.

Later boners.

Winner winner chicken dinner!

Today was pretty good, other than being unusually exhausted all day. Michelle and Laura left PHP, so this afternoon was pretty bittersweet. I really hope to keep in touch with them. And this morning's process group was pretty intense.
After PHP I went tanning and stopped into Dots to buy a few shirts. Clearance like whoooaaa. Got home and could not resist my bed, but only napped for an hour or so. Then Jim and Vicky came over for dinner. I constantly feel like Jim is criticizing me and I dunno if he is or if it's my illness or a little of both. I need to work on my reframing! Just today I said the "mask" I was working on taking off was the Impression Mask, where you care too much about what people say or think. Plus he's my brother, and I love him. And it's always great to see dear Vicky. Wish Jim would stop being lame so she could be my sister-in-law already! I already think of her as the sister I always wanted but I want the official title, damn it! ;P
And now I'm goin to bed. Hoping to be super productive this weekend and stay out of bed as much as possible, which will be hard NOT because of depression but because it's so damn comfortable! I plan on going to see Rachel's jewelry with her at some point, and I've got a bunch of crap to do with my insurance and moving my schedule around for work. Ugh. I'm gonna go tanning again too. Membership ends March 10, so I gotta be tan enough for it to stay for a month and then it's off to Florida! Mmm sunshine.

Night all!

Whew

Short update as I'm tired and the lovely valium should be kicking in soon. Just got done with round 2 of hospitalization. Back in the partial program. Went to NAMI tonight, found out if you volunteer just 4 hours at the convention this summer, you get to go all 4 days for free! HOLLA!
My mood is great and I'm in my own bed for the first time in 2 weeks. Also, today I felt the sun on my face for the first time in 2 weeks.
Better get to bed, up at 7 for PHP.
Hoping tomorrow is as wonderful as today!

What I can do...

Okay, I've review my PHP/NAMI/3W binder, and in a nutshell I'm going to try and write the things I can do to relieve my anxiety, alleviate or postpone my depression, and keep myself focused.
Big thing: Focusing on the here and now. One of our groups/handouts was titled "This is a perfect moment." Just stopping and thinking, even if you're stuck in traffic (I even did this!) "This is a perfect moment. I am alive, I have people who love me. These people in these other cars only wish their moment was just as perfect." I was listening to music and having a smoke and just in my element.
Today's last group was "therapy in two pages" and offered tons of ideas for coping and keeping occupied, broken down into physical, intellectual, spiritual, and emotional. I plan on practicing all 4 this weekend. For physical, I will be meeting my best friend at Lifetime, where she is a lifeguard and can get me a day pass, and we're gonna work out and swim. For intellectual, I'm going to try to finish my book (it's Kurt Vonnegut...shit's crazy...) and go to the library where my mom works to find a new book and some literature on my illnesses, as well as seeing if they have the WRAP book. For spiritual, I am going to go back to prayer, and make a gratitude list (which I will probably post on here). I also plan on singing at mass on Sunday. Emotional, I'm going to surround myself with people who love me, as well as working on my own positive affirmations.

I'm also going to DBSA on Sunday and starting March 14 will be doing a DBT support therapy thing, which I'm really excited for.

I hope this weekend goes well, but I'm going to take it day by day, hour by hour.

I have a date lined up for Monday with a guy I just met, and who, as it turns out, has a sister my brother's age and they went to school together so my family knows his. I hope I don't chicken out and bail. He's a good guy and I need to give this life another chance. Maybe a topic for Monday's process group? Maybe.

Here's to hoping for some solid sleep and no nightmares before I have to go for my blood test tomorrow, yuck. Good night, world.

Because of You

Heard this on the radio on the way home from work and had to cry a bit.

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me
But everyone around me
Because of you...
I am afraid.

I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

And now I cry in the middle of the night
Over the same damn thing

Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I am ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you..
I am afraid.

Bad days geez

Jeff, I'm sorry but I completely forgot what you wanted me to write about. So I guess I'll write about my day?

Today sucked. I felt good this morning, but a friend mentioned the importance of loving yourself before you can move forward. How can I possibly move forward? I can't see any light at the end of my deep dark twisted tunnel. Suicidal ideations keep running through my head. Just the ideas and how it would be easier on everyone and my pain would be over.
The first time I was hospitalized at Hinsdale, I had an awful ER intake MD, who tried to spew a whole lot of religious bull at me. I'm not sure I can believe in a god that makes people suffer this way, why give the "gift of life" to someone who would want to take it away? How bad can hell really be after this? The ER MD had the belief that when you die, nothing happens to your soul. Your body decays in the ground and you are just dead until "the lord rises again" and "resurrects" you. Wouldn't that be wonderful?
I still hate myself. I have no respect for myself, no self-worth. Why do I keep saying how great my mood is at PHP? Why do I keep joking and laughing when I'm in so much pain? It finally broke today. I slept through lunch and then could barely make it through the afternoon groups I felt so awful. Fortunately Lara was there for me and took me for sushi even though she doesn't eat it. Then I came home and got my dad to finally watch Firefly with me. Love that show.
Still feel like shit. It's not even 8:00 and I just took my meds to go to bed. Honestly I can't believe I made it THIS long.
After the whole Rob mess there are about 4 other guys going after me, 1 seems promising, 1 is 30, 1 is 19, and the other has the delusion that he can get me to drive to Maywood for a "booty call." Sorry guys, I was raped about 5 weeks ago, it's going to take a long time to get my trust back in anything, let alone men and relationships. And Rob was just icing on the shit cake that is my life. E-dump? Really? At least I'm not with a guy who dresses like an ogre, green face tusks and all. *shudder*
I just can't focus on anything, let alone anything happy. My memory is SUCKING. One of the nurses at PHP talked to my doctor and they upped my Abilify. Most of them truly are great there and as much as I hate mySELF, I appreciate their concern. I just wish it was Thursday already so I could go to NAMI and be able to talk, or "process," as much as I need to, instead of being in the middle of an issue and being told we have to move on (to people who don't even want to talk, or people who talk all the fucking time). I know there's a time limit, but expecting everyone to get through everything in 50 minutes? Why bother?
Now I'm getting angry and pissed off in addition to hating myself and wanting to sleep forever. Maybe some Aaron Copland or Brahms from Co-Choir will at least alleviate some anxiety as I try to sleep.

Later boners.

meh

Going into valium coma so this will be short and sweet. Don't tell someone you want to be in their support system if you really don't know what that entails. www.nami.org. Let down by so many people in one fucking day. And I have a family meeting at PHP tomorrow. Fucking great.

A bad day.

Sorry, it's been almost an entire week since I said "Until tomorrow!" Not that anyone reads this anyway. But anyhow. I'm feeling very close to these lyrics:
"Will I lose my dignity, will someone care? Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare?"
I feel like I've lost all dignity because I'm a certifiable whackjob, I feel like no one cares, and I know I can never wake from this nightmare life. I know the song is about AIDS but cut me some slack people. People at work are out of their minds...well only some of them. So basically I cry all day at outpatient when a social worker makes us "Think of the feeling of love" and I can't feel it. Physically cannot feel it. And then I go straight to work where I cry out of frustration and just want to scream and scream. I feel like I AM screaming but no one hears it. Then I come home and for once I'm NOT the one screaming, though I'd like to.

I'm also faced with a dilemma. How can you have a support system when none of them can be there for you? They all have their own lives and boyfriends and girlfriends and who wants to be around a nutcase like me? Am I supposed to tear them away from their plans because I need them right now? I don't want to be THAT person. But I don't know what to do. I'm trying so hard but life is too much right now. Yeah, I know I'm not going to school, but if you for one second think your life is harder than mine....maybe physically, but live a day in my head and see if YOU don't need a padded room.

If my head and my thoughts were a painting...it would be all done in black, gray, dark blue, dark green, maybe dark purple or indigo. Demons, dragons, people crying. A blue sun covered in swirling green and purple clouds, over a ground of bright blue flames. I hate my life. I hate that I can't reach out to anyone because I'm such a burden to be around. I want to be back on 3W. I want to talk to Marcus and Courtney and Becky and Clare but mostly Marcus. He is the only one to date to pull me out of the middle of a meltdown. Sure the beds sucked and some groups were lame, but I miss having that constant care and support.

For once I truly wish that PHP and NAMI WON'T be canceled tomorrow. I wish I could stop crying. Even my own brother won't see me. I need a Marcus hug. I need Courtney banging my door down at 11:00 then complimenting me and following it with "no homo." I need Becky asking how I am even though she's a nurse not a counselor. I need Clare asking how I am even when she's got a bunch of her own patients and I'm not one of them.

I need help. I feel like I'm doing all I can at the moment; attending PHP and NAMI, seeing my doctor several times a week...but then I have to deal with stress at work and home and with my "friends" and I just can't handle this "real world." I haven't built that level of trust with the social workers at PHP, and I don't like all of them. I feel like I have no one to turn to.

And I feel angry that people will hang out with people they're always with, without giving ME a second thought, without even asking if I'm okay or if I need them. I know I'm selfish, but if you agree to be my support, shouldn't you be there? I am selfish but I feel like after less than a week out of the psych ward, SOME life should include me.

I'm not going to hurt myself. But the thought of walking into the snow and falling asleep or being hit by a semi wouldn't be the worst thing for me right now, in my mind. Again, it's a scary place.

I'm selfish. Worthless, and I feel helpless and utterly hopeless. I see no normal life in my future. And I just had the awful realization that even if I CAN have kids, do I really want to? This shit is passed through genetics. No one should have to go through that, and I don't want to be responsible for putting anyone through it.

I hate myself.