A bad day.

Sorry, it's been almost an entire week since I said "Until tomorrow!" Not that anyone reads this anyway. But anyhow. I'm feeling very close to these lyrics:
"Will I lose my dignity, will someone care? Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare?"
I feel like I've lost all dignity because I'm a certifiable whackjob, I feel like no one cares, and I know I can never wake from this nightmare life. I know the song is about AIDS but cut me some slack people. People at work are out of their minds...well only some of them. So basically I cry all day at outpatient when a social worker makes us "Think of the feeling of love" and I can't feel it. Physically cannot feel it. And then I go straight to work where I cry out of frustration and just want to scream and scream. I feel like I AM screaming but no one hears it. Then I come home and for once I'm NOT the one screaming, though I'd like to.

I'm also faced with a dilemma. How can you have a support system when none of them can be there for you? They all have their own lives and boyfriends and girlfriends and who wants to be around a nutcase like me? Am I supposed to tear them away from their plans because I need them right now? I don't want to be THAT person. But I don't know what to do. I'm trying so hard but life is too much right now. Yeah, I know I'm not going to school, but if you for one second think your life is harder than mine....maybe physically, but live a day in my head and see if YOU don't need a padded room.

If my head and my thoughts were a painting...it would be all done in black, gray, dark blue, dark green, maybe dark purple or indigo. Demons, dragons, people crying. A blue sun covered in swirling green and purple clouds, over a ground of bright blue flames. I hate my life. I hate that I can't reach out to anyone because I'm such a burden to be around. I want to be back on 3W. I want to talk to Marcus and Courtney and Becky and Clare but mostly Marcus. He is the only one to date to pull me out of the middle of a meltdown. Sure the beds sucked and some groups were lame, but I miss having that constant care and support.

For once I truly wish that PHP and NAMI WON'T be canceled tomorrow. I wish I could stop crying. Even my own brother won't see me. I need a Marcus hug. I need Courtney banging my door down at 11:00 then complimenting me and following it with "no homo." I need Becky asking how I am even though she's a nurse not a counselor. I need Clare asking how I am even when she's got a bunch of her own patients and I'm not one of them.

I need help. I feel like I'm doing all I can at the moment; attending PHP and NAMI, seeing my doctor several times a week...but then I have to deal with stress at work and home and with my "friends" and I just can't handle this "real world." I haven't built that level of trust with the social workers at PHP, and I don't like all of them. I feel like I have no one to turn to.

And I feel angry that people will hang out with people they're always with, without giving ME a second thought, without even asking if I'm okay or if I need them. I know I'm selfish, but if you agree to be my support, shouldn't you be there? I am selfish but I feel like after less than a week out of the psych ward, SOME life should include me.

I'm not going to hurt myself. But the thought of walking into the snow and falling asleep or being hit by a semi wouldn't be the worst thing for me right now, in my mind. Again, it's a scary place.

I'm selfish. Worthless, and I feel helpless and utterly hopeless. I see no normal life in my future. And I just had the awful realization that even if I CAN have kids, do I really want to? This shit is passed through genetics. No one should have to go through that, and I don't want to be responsible for putting anyone through it.

I hate myself.