Wishes don't come true. Miracles don't happen. I found myself wishing for my life to be the way it was. But you know what? I actually wish it was some kind of fantasy world where my whole family loved and supported me, a life where I HADN'T been abused since the age of 5, a life where people believed in me, or just plain believed me. My life wasn't that way, so what is this false reality floating through my head? "It does not do to dwell on dreams...and forget to live."
I've come to the healthy mental position where I know suicide is not an option. That doesn't mean I like the life I'm living. Go ahead, roll your eyes. If you knew half of what I've been through...and again, roll your eyes, because all the world knows is that my life has been rainbows and cotton candy and I'm just a selfish narcissist for whom nothing is good enough. Being physically and mentally tortured most of my life took its toll, and holding on to those secrets for 20 years broke me. It's like a broken vase. You can glue the pieces together, but you can still see the cracks and poorly done glue job, plus missing spots where pieces were lost in the wreckage. It will never be whole again. All you can hope for is that, from far away, people won't notice the missing pieces, or the cracks and the crappy glue job done to mask what really happened.
Back on mood stabilizers now...hopefully they will make me an unfeeling zombie, where the world is so blurry that even up close I can't see the cracks or trauma of a broken girl. I'd rather feel nothing than feel this emptiness, these feelings of being unwanted, unloved, and a burden and nuisance to those who matter most to me. Ignorance is bliss, I hear.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Monday, March 19, 2012
Thursday, March 8, 2012
A blurby, unstructured blog of struggles.
Where to FUCKING begin? I guess I'll start with explaining that I am struggling with an IMMENSE amount of anxiety right now. Not even my parents would notice it, I'm sure, whatwith my nonchalant attitude and sarcastic remarks. As I said in NAMI tonight, my brain is stuck in the future. I'm faced with what I want to do with my life, yet again. My two desires are makeup artistry, and moreso, acting. There's no money in either industry. They say, do what you love. I love acting, but I have no time to get back into it, between work and my treatments. Other than my retail crapjob, no one's really hiring professional makeup artists.
I feel like I've been lying to myself. At least for a week or so. Telling myself and others how great I'm doing, trying to convince myself I've been doing so well. But how can that be when I cry every night and deal with suicidal ideations all day? I know I'm at least strong enough not to act on the ideas, but I shouldn't have to deal with thinking "Hmm I wish a car would hit me." I looked myself in the mirror before I got into bed and couldn't stop thinking how much I hate myself. I'm going to look disgusting at Jim and Vicky's wedding and I'll probably be the worst bridesmaid ever, no matter how hard I'm trying. I can't get over the fact that I still have no friends. I'm a mess right now. I just feel hopeless, like there's so much on my plate that I just want to chuck the whole thing against a wall. That's an analogy for giving up. If there is a god, why would he make mental illness? Was he drunk when he decided "Oh this bitch should just kill herself and rot in hell." I can't handle shit and I'm rapidly moving towards an anxiety attack, or worse. I took extra valium, klonopin, and atarax tonight. I hope it helps me sleep with none of the fucked up dreams I've been having lately. Thank god I see the psychiatrist and my therapist tomorrow. I don't want to go back to work on Sunday. Fuck this life, why was I given this life?? Why put myself and my family through this pain and frustration?? I hate this.
I feel like I've been lying to myself. At least for a week or so. Telling myself and others how great I'm doing, trying to convince myself I've been doing so well. But how can that be when I cry every night and deal with suicidal ideations all day? I know I'm at least strong enough not to act on the ideas, but I shouldn't have to deal with thinking "Hmm I wish a car would hit me." I looked myself in the mirror before I got into bed and couldn't stop thinking how much I hate myself. I'm going to look disgusting at Jim and Vicky's wedding and I'll probably be the worst bridesmaid ever, no matter how hard I'm trying. I can't get over the fact that I still have no friends. I'm a mess right now. I just feel hopeless, like there's so much on my plate that I just want to chuck the whole thing against a wall. That's an analogy for giving up. If there is a god, why would he make mental illness? Was he drunk when he decided "Oh this bitch should just kill herself and rot in hell." I can't handle shit and I'm rapidly moving towards an anxiety attack, or worse. I took extra valium, klonopin, and atarax tonight. I hope it helps me sleep with none of the fucked up dreams I've been having lately. Thank god I see the psychiatrist and my therapist tomorrow. I don't want to go back to work on Sunday. Fuck this life, why was I given this life?? Why put myself and my family through this pain and frustration?? I hate this.
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