A blurby, unstructured blog of struggles.

Where to FUCKING begin? I guess I'll start with explaining that I am struggling with an IMMENSE amount of anxiety right now. Not even my parents would notice it, I'm sure, whatwith my nonchalant attitude and sarcastic remarks. As I said in NAMI tonight, my brain is stuck in the future. I'm faced with what I want to do with my life, yet again. My two desires are makeup artistry, and moreso, acting. There's no money in either industry. They say, do what you love. I love acting, but I have no time to get back into it, between work and my treatments. Other than my retail crapjob, no one's really hiring professional makeup artists.
I feel like I've been lying to myself. At least for a week or so. Telling myself and others how great I'm doing, trying to convince myself I've been doing so well. But how can that be when I cry every night and deal with suicidal ideations all day? I know I'm at least strong enough not to act on the ideas, but I shouldn't have to deal with thinking "Hmm I wish a car would hit me." I looked myself in the mirror before I got into bed and couldn't stop thinking how much I hate myself. I'm going to look disgusting at Jim and Vicky's wedding and I'll probably be the worst bridesmaid ever, no matter how hard I'm trying. I can't get over the fact that I still have no friends. I'm a mess right now. I just feel hopeless, like there's so much on my plate that I just want to chuck the whole thing against a wall. That's an analogy for giving up. If there is a god, why would he make mental illness? Was he drunk when he decided "Oh this bitch should just kill herself and rot in hell." I can't handle shit and I'm rapidly moving towards an anxiety attack, or worse. I took extra valium, klonopin, and atarax tonight. I hope it helps me sleep with none of the fucked up dreams I've been having lately. Thank god I see the psychiatrist and my therapist tomorrow. I don't want to go back to work on Sunday. Fuck this life, why was I given this life?? Why put myself and my family through this pain and frustration?? I hate this.