Where there is a flame someone's bound to get burned

Just because it burns doesn't mean you're gonna die....  P!nk.


Wow, what a messed up week.  I should probably explain my last post.  I went back to Cabana on Thursday night, but I was good, I had a couple drinks, didn't get drunk, I was a good girl.  The week before (let's call this the unruly hot-fucking-mess night) I gave my number to a few people (oops), but there was one in particular I really liked.  I won't go into details...it was like a spark at first meeting I guess.  WOW THAT SOUNDS LAME.  Anyway, last week, he was there with a girl.  A few people told me oh they're just friends blah blah blah, but then he ended up leaving with her (after he and I had a conversation about singing and college and him calling me etc).  Yeah, I got upset.  The upset was very little from that specific incident...it was kind of the straw that breaks the eating disorder's back.  IMMEDIATELY the only things in my head were "It doesn't matter that her face is plain and her hair is flat and she can't walk in those shoes and she looks extremely boring, she's skinny.  EVERYONE LIKES SKINNY GIRLS."  SO I ended up leaving with Kim instead of staying for Bohemian Rhapsody.  About halfway home I started crying about how disgusting I am and it doesn't matter how awesome I can think I am or how amazing people can say I am; I am not skinny or pretty so how can I possibly meet someone new?  No one is open to the possibility of a romantic/intimate relationship when they are so turned off by my appearance before they get to know me.  Even if they did get to know me first, once they see me it's a dealbreaker.  Can't blame them, I feel the same way.
So I completely gave up.  I purged twice and ended up self-harming, after setting a 4 month record.  I'm not at a point where I can say "But it was 4 months, that's great!"  No, it's a failure.  No one says to me "You made it through 2 years of college, that's amazing!"  NO, because illness ruined that for me too.
I'm still really hating myself.  BUT, I am back to work.  6 days in a row, day off, then another 6 days in a row.  Having 3 days off in a row was terrible.  I knew it would be, but there was nothing I could do about it. SO I'm back to focusing all my attention on work, and the gratitude I have that between working full shifts and taking pills, I'm not uncomfortably hungry, so I don't eat anything all day.  Caffeine and nicotine, mmm.

I'm ridiculous.  This post makes me sad.  I need a good slap in the face to get me focused on recovery again.  It would be a lot easier if my nightmares weren't back FULL FORCE.  NOW I'm having a nightmare that the rapist walks into the library and sees me during my therapy session.  And though my therapist is there when I see him, when I look back he's gone, and I find myself in the corner of the tiny room on the floor screaming, SCREAMING, while he pounds on the door and screams threats.  I can see people sitting around in the library, just as usual, as if they can't hear or see anything.  :(

Good night...

.

I'm so FUCKING fucked up.  FUCK.  I don't think I could hate myself any more than I do right now.  SO many levels of relapse right now.  FUCK.

Happiness I cannot feel and love to me is so unreal

I am going to try to sort out my thoughts now so it might be a little clearer tomorrow...

I am feeling a whole range of things, none of which are "good" or the equivalent.  I'm having really strong feelings...hopeless, useless, lethargic, apathetic, disgusting, annoying, childish, lonely, abandoned, pathetic...that's a few.  I'm feeling useless and lethargic because I have 3 goddamn days off work in a row, and all the laundry/cleaning in the world can't make me feel like I have a purpose.
I feel lonely all the time, even when I'm with people.  I wanted to spend my 3 days off in my basement den of depression, but yesterday I decided to use some skills, so I called a few people, then Ali came over, we had a random night, and she left this morning.  All day it's felt like I haven't seen anyone in weeks.  SO I feel really terrible about saying I'm lonely, because Ali actually was there for me.  Why can't my brain just think that's enough?  So then I go throwing pity parties via my facebook status, and then I'm pissed off because people don't rush to console me.  BORDERLINE!  Once again struggling with the fact that I don't NEED to be with someone all the time.  So that's why I feel annoying and childish too.
I'm really feeling disgusting.  I just keep eating.  And as much as I can say "I'm not purging, that's progress," I feel like SHIT because I'm only acting on HALF of my disorder; the half that keeps me FAT.  I ate my biggest and most disgusting trigger food today, I want to puke just thinking about it, I'm so fucking ANGRY.    I bought pills to make me not hungry.  They work, when I take enough, to make me feel full.  My PROBLEM is that I JUST KEEP FUCKING EATING.  I can't possibly pick up my bridesmaid dress like this, I can't put that on this thing.  This THING. BLOB. DSJGNSLKDJGSDGER0T923458.
And then I just feel pathetic because of all of this.  Since I went drinking last week, I just want to go get drunk.  Let's be accountable here: 6 beers, 5 shots, 2 long islands.  FUCK.  I'm a little proud of that.  And that makes me feel more awful.  I've been crying on and off for days, everyone keeps asking me what's wrong even when I think I'm putting up a good mask, and I'm just so TIRED!
OH, and THEN, to cope with stress from family business, I went shopping.  Now my account is WAAAAAAAAY in the hole.  My mom is helping me pay for therapy this week and I REALLY fucking need to see him more often to deal with my fuck ups BUT I HAVE NO MONEY.
I'm so angry at myself!  "Be gentle with yourself..." I DON'T DESERVE THAT.

I'm just on so many levels of self-loathing.  It is KILLING me to not self-harm.  AND DON'T TELL ME THAT'S GOOD I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT.  It's a pity party, and only I am invited.
I don't know what to do.  I'm sure there's plenty I could be doing to be "gentle" with myself but sick Julie just wants me to suffer, and healthy Julie is sick of fighting.

Still just a rat in a cage

There's so much in my head and it's all colliding and all I can hear is pounding and static and buzzing and run-on sentences.  I am a fuck up and I always will be.  My fuck-ups may vary in intensity, but hey it's what I do.  I would really like to drink into oblivion if I hadn't woken up so hungover.
Ever been to a haunted house or an obstacle house or something that has those huge blow up punching bag type things that press in on you from every direction?  No?  Well anyway...I'm feeling lonely in a crowded room, claustrophobic in an open field, and just perpetually plunging to my death, except the death part never comes.

Shit is BLEAK.

Truth.

Minus the inappropriately placed apostrophe, of course.

I put your picture away

I need to ask my therapist why I start crying uncontrollably when I look at old pictures of myself.  It feels like when I look at pictures of people who have died.  I'm too tired and emotional to expand on that.

Look what a fucking badass I was...

The time has come, the walrus said...

To talk of many things--

I'm not liking today.  Or I'm not liking myself today.  I'm not sure.  I think both.  Fragmented sentences.  Bad grammar.  Ok done.

I'm feeling..."fine."  Fucked up-insecure-neurotic-emotionally unstable.  BLAH!  I don't like having days off.  I don't like working constantly, of course, but I hate my situation.  I hate living with my parents and feeling more anxious about a day at home than a day at work.  If I don't feel useless enough, I sure am reminded of it.  I have no motivation to do anything in this house, because I hate it.  Why do you think I've been living in the basement for almost 2 months?  I don't want to be here.  I love my mom.  I hate being here.  I'm kind of back to perpetuating my own demise.  In school, I felt inadequate, so I became depressed, then stopped going to class, then showed up and felt even dumber because I obviously didn't know the things I missed, so I got more depressed, then skipped more class.  BOOM! 26 and no degree.

--of shoes and ships and sealing wax--

I'm stuck again.  I get stuck in this rut I've made for myself...I have no money to move out, so I sit and sulk about it.  So, in my usual pattern, being depressed, I try to lift my spirits in the one reliable way I know how: I buy things.  Things that I need or want or I think are pretty.  And yet, somehow, it still comes as a shock to me when I still have no money to move out.  skdjfskdhbgepidugjbewrpiugjbevg!!!

--of cabbages and kings--

I think I'm a little emo because the one guy I really hit it off with found someone else.  It took everything in me not to grill him about what was wrong with me and why I wasn't good enough.  I don't know...I'm feeling lonely.  Yes, I know the difference between alone and lonely, just like I know I can be with people and still lonely.  Where is everyone?

--and why the sea is boiling hot--

I had much more coherent thoughts in my head before I actually sat down to write this.  I don't know.  I feel useless, lonely, ignored...I've been feeling really sour since my birthday went ignored at work for the 3rd year in a row.  Maybe that makes me childish, I don't care.  I'm upset with my lack of accomplishments in my life, my living situation, my body, etc.  Speaking of body.  My bridesmaid dress came in this week.  I'm pretending I didn't get the message.  I was really proud of myself the last 3 days for how much I didn't eat, I was so happy with how hungry I was, and, last night, how dizzy I was.  Then today I ate, and I ate disgusting things and I just didn't stop.  I hate feeling like this at night...there's nothing I can do to pull myself out of this at this time, I'm just going to sleep and wake up feeling just as useless as I did today.  Probably more so because of the eating.  Useless stupid blob, can't do anything right, and just taking up (a lot of) space and wasting everyone's time and energy.  I'm just too fed up and emotionally exhausted to contradict myself right now.  :(

--and whether pigs have wings.

HA!

Compromise, right?  Hahaha.

Life goes on, it gets so heavy

I'm in a funk.  I'm seriously in bed surfing facebook for things to make me feel sorry for myself.  Borderline is trying to rear its ugly head.  I went through someone's pictures (yeah, stalking) and felt worse and worse about myself when I saw her with all her other friends, doing things that we haven't done, and just thinking about why she likes all these people more than me.  Absolute false insanity.  Maybe it's false maybe it's true, I don't know, but I don't HAVE to know.  The ugly voice in my head just keeps saying, "More proof that all of your friends would pick someone else over you.  They're just hanging out with you because they're bored/they feel sorry for you/no one else could go out.  They don't really like you, they think you're crazy, and they're all slowly drifting away, you can see and feel it, can't you?"  People say "well if they didn't like you, they just wouldn't hang out with you."  But you know what?  I've definitely gone out with people I didn't really care for, because I was bored and borderline.  If I did, they all do too, right?  UGH.  I'm able to acknowledge that this is a toxic voice filling me with toxic thoughts that bring me toxic emotions.  It's a little too late to stop the emotions.  They've already settled in, and will probably wreak havoc on my nightmares.

I feel really petty and whiny as I'm writing this.  Compared to what I've been through, and what other people are going through, I sound like a whiny 3 year old.

This is NOT a good night for my self esteem!!

I guess I do have some valid reasons for feeling a little lost/hurt/confused.  Ugly voice wants to add "betrayed."  But rational voice is pushing that down (somewhat unsuccessfully).  I don't know...I want to write about it but I happen to plaster my posts all over my facebook so I can't.

Gotta get out of this funk...

Singin' ohhhhh, the sun must set to rise

Something big is happening...something exciting that is also producing a ton of anxiety for me...I can't post about it, not in public, just yet.  Things could be happening for me.  I'll post about it as soon as I can!  Otherwise just ask me :)

I'm really itchy, I don't know why.

I've been trying to post on here for like 4 days, but once I open the screen, my head just fills with static buzzing and the elevator version of "Girl from Ipanema."  And now it's in your head, you're welcome.
And even now, all I'm doing is spewing forth nonsense.  Let's try again...

Maybe a recap of recent events?  Let's see...New year's eve was really great.  Worked until 6, then took 1 1/2 hours to get up to Ali's in Lincoln Park.  We took the bus to the Hancock center and ate at the Cheesecake Factory.  It was my first time in the city for nye, so that was cool.  We had a lot of fun waiting for our table, too.  We're nuts.

\

After dinner, we headed back to Ali's place, did some excellent drunk-idiot-people-watching, and rang in the new year with Welch's sparkling juice :)  I got extremely sick overnight (bad cold) and though I hadn't had anything to drink, I woke up feeling like I had a raging hangover.  NO fun. I can thank my coworker for giving me her sick....TWICE IN 2 MONTHS.  Bleehhhh.  So in the morning we went for breakfast, I saw a girl from college, and I went home where I laid in bed being a sick baby for 2 days.  Living the dream, my friends.

I have to tell you all, and myself, how proud I am of myself.  I didn't just survive new years, I LIVED, I had FUN!  I wasn't a slave to my own memories, flashbacks or nightmares.  I kicked PTSD ass.  I felt my heart/lungs go into a little panic around 11:45, but I squashed that.  Last year, to cope, I took a bunch of valium and slept for 18 hours.  Nowadays, I don't even need benzos for anxiety.  I don't actually even have an emergency anxiety med anymore...if I need one, I take benadryl and DBT myself down.  I'm fucking awesome.  

I've recently gotten back in touch with an old friend.  I'm really excited to see her and hopefully we're both in a better place (I know I am!) to hold our friendship together.  Last time was a disaster...we were both having our own crises and were completely unavailable to support one another, and that led to catastrophic fall-out. I'm sure she'd agree.

I got a new computer!  I did find some awesome stuff when I was using my parents's computer though...assignments and reports from high school, as well as the scripts I wrote for variety show, and an awesome jackpot of high school pictures.  I was so excited!  This is one of my favorites.  Super sad my parents made me sell my drums :(  Also, I really wish I could see whose picture is on the dartboard...I think it might be Ruben Studdard...?

This one's a goodie too...me and Laura in Little Shop of Horrors.  CLEARLY you can tell I'm playing a black woman.  Ugh I looked so much thinner.  BLAH.

Everything else is pretty much the same.  Work is still going great, relationships are holding on, all that fun stuff.  Vicky's bridal shower is next month, I'm very excited!  I'm really glad I get to get a new dress.....NOT so glad that I have to do the whole trying-on bit...but I'll get through it, I think.

Good night!