Just because it burns doesn't mean you're gonna die.... P!nk.
Wow, what a messed up week. I should probably explain my last post. I went back to Cabana on Thursday night, but I was good, I had a couple drinks, didn't get drunk, I was a good girl. The week before (let's call this the unruly hot-fucking-mess night) I gave my number to a few people (oops), but there was one in particular I really liked. I won't go into details...it was like a spark at first meeting I guess. WOW THAT SOUNDS LAME. Anyway, last week, he was there with a girl. A few people told me oh they're just friends blah blah blah, but then he ended up leaving with her (after he and I had a conversation about singing and college and him calling me etc). Yeah, I got upset. The upset was very little from that specific incident...it was kind of the straw that breaks the eating disorder's back. IMMEDIATELY the only things in my head were "It doesn't matter that her face is plain and her hair is flat and she can't walk in those shoes and she looks extremely boring, she's skinny. EVERYONE LIKES SKINNY GIRLS." SO I ended up leaving with Kim instead of staying for Bohemian Rhapsody. About halfway home I started crying about how disgusting I am and it doesn't matter how awesome I can think I am or how amazing people can say I am; I am not skinny or pretty so how can I possibly meet someone new? No one is open to the possibility of a romantic/intimate relationship when they are so turned off by my appearance before they get to know me. Even if they did get to know me first, once they see me it's a dealbreaker. Can't blame them, I feel the same way.
So I completely gave up. I purged twice and ended up self-harming, after setting a 4 month record. I'm not at a point where I can say "But it was 4 months, that's great!" No, it's a failure. No one says to me "You made it through 2 years of college, that's amazing!" NO, because illness ruined that for me too.
I'm still really hating myself. BUT, I am back to work. 6 days in a row, day off, then another 6 days in a row. Having 3 days off in a row was terrible. I knew it would be, but there was nothing I could do about it. SO I'm back to focusing all my attention on work, and the gratitude I have that between working full shifts and taking pills, I'm not uncomfortably hungry, so I don't eat anything all day. Caffeine and nicotine, mmm.
I'm ridiculous. This post makes me sad. I need a good slap in the face to get me focused on recovery again. It would be a lot easier if my nightmares weren't back FULL FORCE. NOW I'm having a nightmare that the rapist walks into the library and sees me during my therapy session. And though my therapist is there when I see him, when I look back he's gone, and I find myself in the corner of the tiny room on the floor screaming, SCREAMING, while he pounds on the door and screams threats. I can see people sitting around in the library, just as usual, as if they can't hear or see anything. :(
Good night...
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