Keep on Truckin.

Yup.

Spinning the Wheel of DUH

I'm apparently very sensitive or fragile at the moment. Months ago I get told a very good friend of mine (who, again, I care much more about than she does for me) from college is moving back to Chicago. I'm all super excited, and she's sharing this excitement with her old friends but nada with me. She even wrote on my facebook and everything but she has no desire to see me. I finally get excited that I will have one friend in the area, but no, I really don't. Apparently all the good times we spent in college are over and she's all grown up and doesn't need to associate with me. STORY OF MY FUCKING LIFE. Vicious circles of caring for someone and receiving nothing in return. Why bless me with compassion and caring and love of being social and having friends when all that happens is people are taken away from me and my good traits are wasted into nothing? This is why I have no friends, I can't let anyone in for fear it will happen all over again. I'm sick of this.

Don't tell me to be Positive.

It's about time I started using this again. If you couldn't tell I usually only do when I'm on a downward cycle. I'm so tired of this vicious circle. I'll be fine, I have been since April, but I really think it was just on the surface, just kidding myself. I always have the "no friends" constant reminder. I go to work, I come home, eat dinner with my parents, and go to bed. I miss having people around me, I miss feeling wanted in a group. Although I don't remember the last time that was, at least not superficially or in the hospital. I still miss the hospital. I miss the sense of community and that there were so many people knowing what I go through every day and why I do things like cut myself or want to die because my life is shit. A bipolar/borderline mind can't embrace the goodness of life, or just the goodness of being alive. I see the negative in everything, I question everyone's motives when they're nice to me. I single handedly pushed everyone who may or may not have cared about me out of my life. I think I must have built tolerance to my meds, it doesn't feel like they're working. I know I need a therapist but jesus christ there's just no time. Once again I find myself hating life. I can't stand certain people at work. I'm getting more and more irritable with my parents. I have nowhere to turn to and I find myself trapped in my own head yet again, and scars tell the story of where that has led. This is the first time I've cried in months. Let myself cry, I guess. I'm not meant to be alone, I'm not meant to not go out and have a good time with people who love me. But here I am. I'm annoying and make people feel obligated to be around me. I'm good at my job but it's so much pressure, and I don't know if things have changed, like me doing a lot more admin duty than I used to and being acknowledged as a leader but being used for it as well...or if my mind is just making me feel it. I went to the Halloween store today and was trying on wigs and costumes and realized the only thing I have to dress up for is work. No parties, no hanging out with friends who all have plans. I feel useless. I feel like a big nothing.

I just had to get some stuff off my chest.