ED has been a big problem lately. It hit big last night...went out for the Hawks game and I'd like to say I didn't realize how much I was eating but oh I DID. Afterwards I was like I have to throw up I HAVE TO THROW UP GET IT OUT OF ME NOW. But I didn't. And so I cried about it. I had food/ED nightmares all night. Then today there was a lot of talk about sizing and people telling me "Oh you'd look so good in this, it's at Forever 21 you should get it!" And I have to say THEY DON'T HAVE MY SIZE. NOWHERE YOU SHOP CARRIES MY SIZE. I am disgusting. So I just spent about an hour between my ED friends' facebook pages being jealous of their sizes and on my pro-ana site looking through thinspiration pictures. I looked at a friend's page, a picture of her at her worst, and thought wow, I wish I was on THAT side of ED unhappiness. Then I thought well, she's back at TK right now, so clearly it's not going well for her. THEN I thought, I'd LOVE to have to go back to TK because of being deathly thin. I want the gap. I want the bones. I want the hollowness. Doesn't help that every day at work I have to pass the swimsuits. Oh hi Michael Kors, I love you but the only thing you make that will ever fit me is a purse! :(
Someone posted in the TK group, "Choose recovery." Such a simple statement, and I'm having SO much trouble with it. I hate that I've been going back for alumni for almost a year now and still haven't had any weight loss to be noticed and admired.
I don't know what else is going on. This is just all consuming right now. Which is how I feel when I eat. ((bad pun))
Stupid. So stupid!
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