I can't believe myself. Un-fucking-believable. I have come so far in recovery, and as I said in my speech at TK, one of the greatest lessons I learned was how to detach with love. I did that. I detached from about 75% of my life without regret, because I knew it would be the best thing for me in the long run. Then I went to see a friend's show in the city, a friend from high school. She was amazing of course as usual as I knew she would be. I was so SO awesome to see her and hang out with her afterwards. So then we made plans to go see another friend's show on Saturday night. We made plans with 3-4 other people from high school, and I got really excited to see them.
Big surprise, everything fell through (aka they're going the night I can't go) and had I not asked someone about the timing of the show, I probably never would have been told.
I'M SORRY, IS IT 2005 AGAIN!? WHAT THE FUCK! So ALLLLLLLLL these feelings and memories came just FLOODING to the front of my brain, and yet again, 8 years later, I'm crying for the same reasons. I have to stop this nonsense. Now I find myself trying to rearrange my schedule so that I can go with them tomorrow night. Why? ONCE AGAIN, I find myself trying to compromise my life, plans, schedule, whatever, so that it could fit THEIR lives. It's not worth it. I so so so wish it just could have worked out, but maybe this is a sign from the universe. Take 2 steps forward, not 8 years back. BIG SIGH.
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