Ahhhhh LIFE! Let's see. The past week has been pretty uneventful. On February 28th I decided that this ED thing is bullshit, and it's just like having a nasty boss or professor or something (JUST AN ANALOGY, PEOPLE)....like, it's there, and there's nothing I can do about it, so I might as well make my life with it as good as possible. In October I started making short-term goals. For example, my goal for October was no hospitalizations. Then I made that goal for November, then for the rest of 2012. I've discovered that goals are nowhere near as daunting if you adjust the time frame. Instead of saying "no hospitalizations for 2013" (which I totally plan), I'm taking it month by month. I can't handle the thought of giving up my vices (bingeing purging self-harming etc) forever, but I CAN handle it for this week. Or this month. And sometimes, if I have to, I can tell myself that I can just suck it up and handle it for one day. 24 hours later, I can make that goal again. So, while my goals are ideally long-term, I'm taking it easy. SO my goals for March are: no hospitalizations, no self-harm, and no ED behaviors. So far, I've got one week down! I know the rest of the month may not be so easy, especially with the bachelorette party coming up and plenty of other things. But if I tell myself I can do it for one month, then I'll only be one month stronger come April.
So that brings me to my main point: I'm fucking awesome. I'm rocking my recovery, I'm distancing myself from those who are toxic to me, and I'm taking care of the things that make my life unnecessarily stressful, one thing at a time. I plan on moving back to my room this month. I don't like it and I don't want it, but it needs to be done.
My new counter manager started on Tuesday. I'm still sad that I didn't get the position, but so far she's super nice. First day there and she dove head-on into working, cleaning, getting acclimated, etc. I can tell she's going to be very good for our counter, and I'm excited to see how things pan out!
I guess something I need to touch on, that I'm currently in emotional denial about, is Darby's leaving Chicago. I have about 3 weeks left before she goes back to California, for necessary and well-thought-out reasons. I'm really happy that she made this choice, and I really hope she gets what she needs, because she deserves it. I know that what I'm feeling is legitimate, and she knows it too. She has become my best friend, despite the age difference. No one understands me and puts up with me the way she does, and I always know that I have a place to go when I want/need to with her. Lately I've been feeling extremely angry about Ariel...a lot like, don't talk to me about her because she left us. I guess I'm grieving backwards? I don't know...but Darby brought up a good point about a connection between Ariel killing herself and Darby leaving the city. I haven't felt any ill feelings at all for Darby, but I have noticed myself getting increasingly angry with Ariel. So here are my thoughts.... It's easier for me to be angry at Ariel, because she's dead, and she left us without warning, and never considered what she could be or do for the world. Darby isn't doing any of those things, just leaving the state temporarily to get well again. So instead of dealing with my secondary emotions of sadness, abandonment and intense fear (ESPECIALLY the extreme and crippling fear), I go with anger, because it's easier. I'm not mad at Darby though....I AM mad at Ariel, and since, at its most basic, the situation is the same, I am choosing to be mad at Ariel instead of dealing with the idea that I will have to go through more grieving with the "loss," as temporary as it may be, of Darby.
THIS is why I blog...none of that had processed in my head until it came out of my fingertips onto the keyboard.
As Mark would say, "This sounds like a good thing to talk about on Wednesday." I'm too tired to sort out my emotions now, but now that I have a good idea of what NEEDS to be sorted out, well, that's a start. Whew! Mental catharsis!
Now I should really sleep. Long shift tomorrow, and if my track record holds strong, I will be sicker in the morning than I was today. BLERG! I hate being sick.
Since this link is still copied, I guess I'll post this here. I fucking love Macklemore...this is actually a serious and awesome song (Thrift Shop is still awesome, but on a different level). It's pretty awesome.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hlVBg7_08n0
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