Couple things to touch on tonight, good and bad. I'll start with the bad so I can end on the good I suppose.
I'm going to have to be vague here to respect privacy, so try to ignore how cryptic this is.
A good friend of mine got into a bad situation..some asshole she knows duped her into feeling bad and checking on him, then when she got there she found out he was fine, just trying to get her over, and when she tried to leave he got violent and took advantage of her. I mean there's more to it, but again, privacy.
This absolutely floored me when she told me...just when I was putting my faith in humanity back together. Some might call me selfish for focusing on my reaction and my emotions, but this is my blog. If you want to read her story, I hear she's going to write an amazing book one day. So chill it.
I was mostly shocked and confused at first, it didn't really set in until I got home last night. Men still do these things. What a fucked up world. Any man who uses his strength and size to harm a woman should be beaten and eaten by a rancor. I'm not trying to be funny here...that's just the first image to pop into my head. So though I stressed about it, I was able to fall asleep. Then had the most graphic, most violent nightmares since the weeks after I was raped. It was like a horror movie going on in my head, over and over, and I remember thinking, in my dream, why can't I wake up? It was awful. So graphic...why do I only remember every exact detail--down to colors, sounds, even smells--of my nightmares? I can still feel the tactile sensations, the physical pain... I woke myself up screaming 3 times, at least one time I had been thrashing around, I already have bruises on my legs and wrist from hitting the metal frame of my bed.
I don't know how I got back to sleep, but the next round of nightmares was interrupted by my alarm. I woke up in full panic attack, so I reset the alarm in the hopes that I could lay in bed and calm myself down before I had to get up for work. Instead I fell asleep again, starting the dream off right where I'd left it. When my alarm went off again, I called in sick to work. I don't have a PRN, but since my old one was an antihistamine, I took some benadryl and tried to calm down, then I fell asleep again. I thankfully don't remember any dreams from that. I went to dinner with my parents and spent the whole time wringing my hands and frantically texting my therapist. Awful... I ended up seeing Darby for some self-soothing, which kind of worked. Except we watched a show that, even though it's a comedy, big time triggered me. On my drive home, I started having flashbacks to my rape. Vivid graphic memories kept flashing in front of my eyes, and the iron grip on my lungs squeezed so hard, I was seeing spots...I was able to stay in the present though by driving on the highway in 30degree weather with my window wide open. I might get sick but the important thing is I got home safe. And now I'm here.
God, writing it down feels so good. Thanks for sharing in my catharsis.
And now, for the better news.
Today marks the one YEAR anniversary of my last suicide attempt, which landed me in the hospital for the 8th and last time of my life (thus far, not gonna head ahead of myself).
I don't really have the energy to be excited right now erg.
I have also been ED-behavior-free for 3 weeks, purge-free for 2 months, and self-harm-free for 2 months. So yeah, go me.
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