I know that's not true. But if I have to have bipolar disorder, why do I have to have bipolar 2? Hypomania SUCKS. It's like having the energy and lack of needing sleep of mania, but you WANT to sleep! Couple that with INTENSE anxiety all day and boom, fun day! Plus hypomania doesn't FEEL good...you can still feel shitty and depressed and anxious and irritable all at the same time. I'm praying this isn't a long episode...I'm supposed to be weaning off of valium but I had to take a full dose tonight, praying it will force my body to sleep.
Still haven't heard from Timberline, which is DEFINITELY a huge part of the anxiety. (Please note, general daily stress is VERY different from an anxiety disorder. Call me when your pulse is 160--resting--and it feels like someone has an iron grip on your lungs.) Then the paranoia and nervous tics set in. I was actually kind of excited that I woke up at 5am, cause I thought well hey, I can watch 3 hours of Will and Grace at 7, then get all showered and pretty, then meet Greg for lunch! No such luck. Thanks mental illness, you're a real peach.
All these symptoms aside, I'm noticing my depression isn't rearing its ugly head too often, so my mind is in a better place to do some serious thinking about myself. While I can't always stop my automatic negative thoughts, I'm able to contradict them; to say Shut up, self, you are NOT worthless, you are NOT (always) annoying, and people DO like you! I guess it's part of the process of relearning to like, and then love, myself. They say you can't help or love anyone else until you help and love yourself. Well, I'm helping myself. And while it might be 3 steps forward 1 step back, day by day I get a little bit closer to believing in myself. I am not a failure, and everything I have set my mind to I have kicked ass at, so take that, depression. Suck it.
I need to love myself. I have so much love for others that I neglect myself. I hate this term but for lack of better words, I have a "crush," or "feelings for" someone, and I can't devote myself to anyone while neglecting myself. I can't depend on others to boost my mood, feed my ego and determine my self worth. That is MY job. Recovery is possible, but no one said it was fast or easy (or cheap). As long as I have support along the way, I truly believe I will get to where I want to be. No, there is no cure, but there is manageability and recovery. I like to imagine Rob Schneider in The Water Boy cheering me on. YOU CAN DO EET!
On that note of positive self-talk, I'm going to go attempt sleep. I have a range of things that need to be done tomorrow, most of which I'm not looking forward to...but hopefully I'll make it out to get my bushly eyebrows taken care of FINALLY!
Good night moon.
No comments:
Post a Comment