Today was the memorial. It was absolutely beautiful, Father Gavin is my hero in all things Catholic and wonderful. There was a great turnout, though I was very sad to see that NO TK staff came. VERY upset that one of Ariel's favorite BHSs wouldn't come because she "had a concert that started at 6:30." I haven't liked that bitch since our freshman year of high school, I didn't like that bitch when she had to listen to me pee, and I certainly don't like that bitch now. I feel like that's the only thing Ariel would be really upset about. The rest of it though...she was definitely there, in the room with us. Yelling at us for crying, doing cartwheels...singing her favorite songs with me, making my voice strong when it shook. This whole week was emotional hell, so much stress and anxiety and on the brink of despair...thank God for the TK community. I don't credit all of my strength to the "new" post-TK Julie, I credit the majority of it to my amazing support network. I couldn't get by without them. It was also a giant help and comfort to have Peter (GBF) by my side, once again playing piano and singing with me. PB+J reunited :)
I'm exhausted, so I'm going to post something I wrote that was read at the service. God bless you all, I love you.
When someone we love leaves us in the way that Ariel did, we have many questions. One of the most common questions is, what could I have done to prevent this? Could I have loved her better?
The response to that question is that a suicide has nothing to do with love. It has to do with pain.
Talking about suicide and love is like comparing apples to oranges. When a person takes her life, she is making a statement, and that statement is that the pain in her life had become intolerable, and she could no longer tolerate the pain. She ran out of steam. The pain reached such a level that the only way out was to end her life.
Love is incapable of piercing and healing the pain that engulfed Ariel’s soul. She could not conceive of another answer. Suicide was the only way to escape her pain. The pain from mental illness is so powerful that it has the ability to distort reality, and suicide makes all the sense in the world.
Human love can enhance the happiness and peace of the soul, but it is impossible to heal a soul or create happiness where there is none. We can only hope to enhance the happiness and peace of those around us, those of us who survive. To enhance each other’s lives so that we may not just see the light, but can bask in its warmth and love.
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