And nothing else matters

I was right, and everyone was right.  I was convinced that I wasn't avoiding my emotions, just channeling them productively into something beautiful.  Yeah, I was productive, and I helped make something amazing.  Then I thought, yay, 9 hour work day, more productivity.  No.  I can't stop crying.  I feel lost, hopeless, helpless.  I feel like everything is so insignificant.  How do so many stupid and pointless things matter so much?  Wealth, beauty, status, who cares?  WHY?  I'm so angry with the emphasis people put on these things and then lives are lost in the chaos.
That's not really what I'm upset about.  I was trying to put words to my feelings and the only thing I could come up with was sad.  I literally said "I'm so sad."  I guess to elaborate it would be crushed...devastated...in despair.  Those sound dramatic.  Whatever.
I was so strong for everyone around me.  I think I know how my mom must feel.  She doesn't get to let her emotions out because my father and I suck the life out of her.  Especially me...I'm such an emotional handful, and my dad doesn't care about people, she has no one to go to.  Now I feel sad and like a terrible person.  When I feel like this I start beating the shit out of myself emotionally.  I'm also upset that I can't be that strong person for others anymore...not now anyway.  Ever?  It was just a facade, a front.  A lie.  I was lying to everyone and definitely lying to myself.  I didn't even cry at the memorial...
I had very strong urges to cut tonight.  And for the first time in months, I felt like I wanted to be dead.  I didn't want to kill myself...I just want to exist in nothingness for a while.  I went outside to smoke and it's so foggy I couldn't even see across the street.  If I could just float in that, for a little while...
I hate wanting to be emotionally dead.  I hate that things happen to make me feel this way, just as I hate how nothing in the world could have eased Ariel's pain.  I know I will wake up tomorrow and it will be a new day.  I know I need to start worrying when every day feels the same.  I just hate living this way, with these demons.  Fuck.