CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!!!

I am SO incredibly happy!!!!!! My brother and Vicky are finally engaged!!! He proposed on Christmas and HOW everyone hid it from me I'll never know but AHHHH I'm so happy!!!! I literally could NOT ask for a better person to officially become part of my family. Jim and Vic I'm SO happy for you and I can't wait to see the future unfold!! I got great presents for my bday but this trumps EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EXLAIMATION POINTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Merry Fuckitall

I'm crying and depressed and having suicidal ideations. Oh and hey, it's my birthday. Wouldn't know it by the way anyone's doing anything, though. But I feel like if I got my feelings out here or even in a private journal I'd be acting selfish. Everyone's too stressed out to care. Or they just think I'm acting like a baby. Dear god WHEN WILL THIS SHIT BE OVER!?

Old friends and bookends

I met a fun new person at DBT, and we're like, exactly the same person. I'm so glad I've met her, but is it sad that all the things we have in common are horrible illnesses and traumatic events? I guess whatever brings people together is good, but I hope one day we'll have something other to talk about than mental illness, self-injury and rape.

Saving Myself from Myself

So the idea of a book title came into my head, and now I must write a book. This is probably a pipe dream but maybe some day, when I'm super stable (it will come!) I'll compile some of these blog posts with a type of comical autobiography, somewhere near the self-help section (aww geez). It'll be called "How I Saved Myself From Myself." I like it! Effing meds make it so hard to blog at night cause when they set in it's like BOOM SLEEP, LET'S DO THIS. Suck it meds I'ma gonna plow on through. So I went to my first NAMI meeting in liiiike 6 months. It was a little anxiety-inducing. I had forgotten how most people are not in an optimistic place like me, and so hearing people's issues had me feeling for them, and brought up some pretty recent thoughts and feelings. But I was able to separate myself, and not let myself own someone else's issues, feeling like I must help them. Can't help anyone until you help yourself, and I'll be in that process for a long time. I'm dealing with it. Then went to Portillo's with a couple friends from the group, like old times, and just unloaded and got my anxiety down.
I start this DBT group on Monday, I'm pretty excited about it, a little nervous. I saw my therapist yesterday, she's so good. I unearthed the envelope full of Get Well cards crudely drawn on construction paper from my first hospitalization, from the "sisters" of SAI. It made me furious. Liz (the therapist) had a good idea. She told me to write a letter to the people who made my life a living hell and get all my feelings and anger on paper. Then to staple it to the envelope, and burn it. Safely of course. I think it's a fantastic idea, considering it was 4 years ago and I still harbor ALL this hate, anger and feelings of them ruining my life. Step by step, gotta get those past triggers of anger out of my life; because what are they now? Nothing. It happened, it's over, it's nothing. So why let it bring me down? Suck it bitches! :P
I'm a little nervous about going back to work...getting thrown back into it...no, throwing myself back into it, full time, right before the holidays. But I'd like to get a little money before Christmas to MAYBE have enough to buy at least my parents a present. I'll really have to utilize my coping skills and not let angry customers effect how I feel. This wonderful season really tens to bring out the worst in people, which is really sad, and they take it out on the low retail employees. Seriously, shop online, people! I don't need any grinches right before Christmas!
Anyway, trazodone is getting the best of me, and I think I've written enough.
Bonne nuit, tous le monde!

Mmm Bop

I just want to say that, as of posting this, I can't believe this page has been viewed 1336 times. Come on people, get a life! Noooo don't this is what feeds my self-esteem...hahaha

Hey Vicky what's up?

I'm feeling better by the day, just really tired...wonder if that's a side effect to something. Oh well, I see the doctor in less than a week, so I'm going to discuss my meds and hoping we can get rid of some and still keep me sane...I'm sick of taking soooo many meds every day.
Thanksgiving was a big success if you ask me. I missed Jim and Vicky lots but at least my out-of-their-minds cousins kept me occupied and laughing. So glad I was out of the hospital for that day!
Having second Thanksgiving tonight...party on! Basically it's just everything reheated but it is reheated DELICIOUSNESS.
I think this is my first positive post in a long time...as we discovered in the hospital (and by we I mean myself and my favorite counselor), the reason I stay so depressed and angsty and difficult all the time is because it's just easier. Getting to a better state of mind and making myself positive is hard work, and I was just too lazy to work on myself. So I started with the principle of "fake it til you make it," and I genuinely think I'm in a better place. I still have some irritability issues, but I'm hoping this new DBT program with help. I was told I've gotten as much out of CBT as I could, and that DBT would teach me how to really change my outlook on life and live a much fuller, gracious life. I hope so! They have a therapist open there but the group is full for at least a month, but hopefully I can see both my therapist and the new one in Elmhurst.
I really want these new coping skills so I can learn how to deal with the one-year anniversary of the trauma last New Year's. I don't want to end up back in the hospital...however, if it is where I feel safe, then I will go. Maybe only a week or less deal. I can be strong but I can also realize when I need help and a safety net, and I think that is very strong. Not a set-back, just some maintenance and a place to keep myself safe. But hopefully I won't need it.
Anyhow, I'm exhausted so I'm going to take a little napparoo.
Stay classy, San Diego.

Hullerrrrr

Short again, very tired. Old scars right next to healing wounds. I smell a metaphor. Or a poem. Or a metaphore within a poem. Or a Papa Roach song.