What's the haps

Had to take med leave to avoid being fired. Terrible day. School instructor was a total bitch. Worse day. Taking all my meds, but slipping deeper into suicidal depression. Already in it, but working my way into the tarpit, inescapable part of it. Not by choice. But when you're home alone with nothing to do all the time, what else is there to dwell on?
From time to time I have auditory hallucinations, and today after my parents left for dinner I was lying down, and was hearing all the sounds of a home invasion. Like, heavy footsteps walking and banging into things, those footsteps coming up the stairs and walking into other rooms, holding my breath so they wouldn't hear me. I was going to grab my phone to call 911, but A I wasn't sure it was real, and B part of me was reasonably excited that someone might burst in and kill me.
I just want to finish my finals so I can get my certification, and then once I die they can actually say I accomplished ONE thing in my life.
I'm just crying or sleeping all the time and it's all I have energy for. I have a party to look forward to on Saturday but at this point I'm like, who cares. I have no costume, all the ideas I have are too difficult/expensive, too overdone, or too stupid. Halloween was my favorite holiday of all time, and now I just wish it would pass.
Also, for one fucking occasion, I wish someone ELSE would invite ME somewhere. If I ever want to see anyone, I always have to make contact and sound desperate and pitiful. No one invites me out or invites me over, I've overstayed my welcome with my brother and his gf. It's obvious. I used to have friends. What the fuck happened to my life? I was always out, life of the party, having a blast. Now I haven't left my house in AGES except for doctor's appointments, class and, before last week, work. I have no one to do anything with because they've already done it. Or they're covering my stupid hours at work, which were undeservingly shoved at them. I'm just that annoying, I suppose. I see people writing "Miss you!" on each other's facebooks when they see each other almost every day. No one misses me. Hell, I wouldn't. What a downer. fml.

I'm feeling suicidal again. Hmm.

ksjadgpkjb

No meds for another 2 days. Having nightmares. I am a terrifying force to be reckoned with. Will probably have to skip dinner with my brother and Vicky tomorrow.
At what point after hearing that I have not taken my meds, exactly, do you think it is appropriate or that I will be receptive to hearing your stupid bitching? Right. Idiots.

Keep on Truckin.

Yup.

Spinning the Wheel of DUH

I'm apparently very sensitive or fragile at the moment. Months ago I get told a very good friend of mine (who, again, I care much more about than she does for me) from college is moving back to Chicago. I'm all super excited, and she's sharing this excitement with her old friends but nada with me. She even wrote on my facebook and everything but she has no desire to see me. I finally get excited that I will have one friend in the area, but no, I really don't. Apparently all the good times we spent in college are over and she's all grown up and doesn't need to associate with me. STORY OF MY FUCKING LIFE. Vicious circles of caring for someone and receiving nothing in return. Why bless me with compassion and caring and love of being social and having friends when all that happens is people are taken away from me and my good traits are wasted into nothing? This is why I have no friends, I can't let anyone in for fear it will happen all over again. I'm sick of this.

Don't tell me to be Positive.

It's about time I started using this again. If you couldn't tell I usually only do when I'm on a downward cycle. I'm so tired of this vicious circle. I'll be fine, I have been since April, but I really think it was just on the surface, just kidding myself. I always have the "no friends" constant reminder. I go to work, I come home, eat dinner with my parents, and go to bed. I miss having people around me, I miss feeling wanted in a group. Although I don't remember the last time that was, at least not superficially or in the hospital. I still miss the hospital. I miss the sense of community and that there were so many people knowing what I go through every day and why I do things like cut myself or want to die because my life is shit. A bipolar/borderline mind can't embrace the goodness of life, or just the goodness of being alive. I see the negative in everything, I question everyone's motives when they're nice to me. I single handedly pushed everyone who may or may not have cared about me out of my life. I think I must have built tolerance to my meds, it doesn't feel like they're working. I know I need a therapist but jesus christ there's just no time. Once again I find myself hating life. I can't stand certain people at work. I'm getting more and more irritable with my parents. I have nowhere to turn to and I find myself trapped in my own head yet again, and scars tell the story of where that has led. This is the first time I've cried in months. Let myself cry, I guess. I'm not meant to be alone, I'm not meant to not go out and have a good time with people who love me. But here I am. I'm annoying and make people feel obligated to be around me. I'm good at my job but it's so much pressure, and I don't know if things have changed, like me doing a lot more admin duty than I used to and being acknowledged as a leader but being used for it as well...or if my mind is just making me feel it. I went to the Halloween store today and was trying on wigs and costumes and realized the only thing I have to dress up for is work. No parties, no hanging out with friends who all have plans. I feel useless. I feel like a big nothing.

I just had to get some stuff off my chest.

Kiss today goodbye

Don't go :(