Struggles

My Borderline traits are really coming out lately, and I'm having a hard time reeling them in. I'm losing friends again. I just believe it's too simple to believe that positive thinking can turn everything around. Not for me, not when I need my brain shocked once a week to ward off major depression. If you don't understand or don't believe in mental illness please never speak to me about it again. I understand people have busy, stressful lives, and that right now my life probably seems easy. I have to worry about losing my job, a week of no one but my parents, and trying to keep suicidal thoughts at bay. My life is not easy, and I don't intentionally make it difficult. I'm sick of people thinking I can just think my way out of this. I wouldn't be wasting money on outpatient therapy and putting my body through ECT if I could do that.
Speaking of ECT. I noticed this downward spiral shortly after I went down to once a week, so I need to talk to my doctor and see if she thinks I need to up the frequency. Which I REALLY hope I don't need to be inpatient to do, I can't take all this. It's hard to come out of the world-is-against-me funk. I know I'm irrational and ridiculous, but the thoughts won't stop.
V I decided to blog about this a couple hours ago, before tonight's incident, so I don't want you thinking I'm passive-aggressively just aiming snide comments at you, that's not the case at all.

When is it MY turn? :(

Mean People Suck

I don't understand why people think it's funny to use someone else's opinions or thoughts as the butt of their jokes. You've made it clear you joke that way, I've made it clear I don't appreciate it. You've made it clear you're not going to change how you are around me, I've made it clear I won't put up with that bullshit anymore. End of story, right? Noooo, he just keeps on going. Clearly I'm wrong and he's right.

I deal with nonstop negativity all day every day with my father, I shouldn't have to put up with it with my "friends." If that's your idea of a good time, then so long. At this stage in my recovery, just when I'm making so much progress and really believing I'm in a good place, that's the last thing I need. I choose no friend over a shitty friend who puts me down nonstop. I think people only hang around him because they're bored and so is he, so there's a common ground and they're all they have to entertain themselves. Screw that noise. I can't handle this in my life right now, nor should I ever have to. Sometimes you have to sacrifice having someone to hang out with in order to keep your sanity, so I'm takin' out the trash. Done.

50th Post!

I wish people would stop thinking they know how to run my life. I'm not saying I'm perfect at it, but I know myself. I'm doing what I need to do to get well, I'm paying my bills (and yes, more than the minimum) with money that I SAVED, and I know my limits. A little trust and a little less patronizing would be nice.

Anyhoo. Happy Superbowl day, all. I watched a recorded Terra Nova instead. Jim turned 28, not that I was allowed to get him a present or anything though. Frosts my cookies.

I'm not in a very good mood, but I suppose it's better than being depressed. At least I'm feeling. I'm just excited for the week to start so I can go back to Outpatient. Also on my list of things to do in the next 3 weeks: Join a gym and go tanning for Florida. I would've rather spent that money on my family but nooooo. I better watch what I post here.

Screw that noise. Good night.

CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!!!

I am SO incredibly happy!!!!!! My brother and Vicky are finally engaged!!! He proposed on Christmas and HOW everyone hid it from me I'll never know but AHHHH I'm so happy!!!! I literally could NOT ask for a better person to officially become part of my family. Jim and Vic I'm SO happy for you and I can't wait to see the future unfold!! I got great presents for my bday but this trumps EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EXLAIMATION POINTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Merry Fuckitall

I'm crying and depressed and having suicidal ideations. Oh and hey, it's my birthday. Wouldn't know it by the way anyone's doing anything, though. But I feel like if I got my feelings out here or even in a private journal I'd be acting selfish. Everyone's too stressed out to care. Or they just think I'm acting like a baby. Dear god WHEN WILL THIS SHIT BE OVER!?

Old friends and bookends

I met a fun new person at DBT, and we're like, exactly the same person. I'm so glad I've met her, but is it sad that all the things we have in common are horrible illnesses and traumatic events? I guess whatever brings people together is good, but I hope one day we'll have something other to talk about than mental illness, self-injury and rape.

Saving Myself from Myself

So the idea of a book title came into my head, and now I must write a book. This is probably a pipe dream but maybe some day, when I'm super stable (it will come!) I'll compile some of these blog posts with a type of comical autobiography, somewhere near the self-help section (aww geez). It'll be called "How I Saved Myself From Myself." I like it! Effing meds make it so hard to blog at night cause when they set in it's like BOOM SLEEP, LET'S DO THIS. Suck it meds I'ma gonna plow on through. So I went to my first NAMI meeting in liiiike 6 months. It was a little anxiety-inducing. I had forgotten how most people are not in an optimistic place like me, and so hearing people's issues had me feeling for them, and brought up some pretty recent thoughts and feelings. But I was able to separate myself, and not let myself own someone else's issues, feeling like I must help them. Can't help anyone until you help yourself, and I'll be in that process for a long time. I'm dealing with it. Then went to Portillo's with a couple friends from the group, like old times, and just unloaded and got my anxiety down.
I start this DBT group on Monday, I'm pretty excited about it, a little nervous. I saw my therapist yesterday, she's so good. I unearthed the envelope full of Get Well cards crudely drawn on construction paper from my first hospitalization, from the "sisters" of SAI. It made me furious. Liz (the therapist) had a good idea. She told me to write a letter to the people who made my life a living hell and get all my feelings and anger on paper. Then to staple it to the envelope, and burn it. Safely of course. I think it's a fantastic idea, considering it was 4 years ago and I still harbor ALL this hate, anger and feelings of them ruining my life. Step by step, gotta get those past triggers of anger out of my life; because what are they now? Nothing. It happened, it's over, it's nothing. So why let it bring me down? Suck it bitches! :P
I'm a little nervous about going back to work...getting thrown back into it...no, throwing myself back into it, full time, right before the holidays. But I'd like to get a little money before Christmas to MAYBE have enough to buy at least my parents a present. I'll really have to utilize my coping skills and not let angry customers effect how I feel. This wonderful season really tens to bring out the worst in people, which is really sad, and they take it out on the low retail employees. Seriously, shop online, people! I don't need any grinches right before Christmas!
Anyway, trazodone is getting the best of me, and I think I've written enough.
Bonne nuit, tous le monde!