Thank you.
JCBoyer08@gmail.com
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Credit Where Credit is Due
I have to thank whatever higher power, or fate, or coincidence, or whatever brought certain people into my life. I spent all day in crying spells and hiding in my bed, as if my blankets could ward off the evil thoughts. Then I dragged myself out, decided to go with the opposite-to-emotion skill set, and met with a new, but rapidly becoming best, friend. 2 hours later, I felt so much better. She knows just what to say and just how to react to what I have to say. I am blessed to have her in my life. We then left to meet up with the usual suspects. Watched a couple terrible movies and just dicked around like usual. And it was just what I needed. I need these little reminders that I DO have things/people to live for, and some people DO actually care about me and my well being. It's sad that that's a difficult concept for me to grasp. After years of being convinced that anyone who was nice to me must have had an ulterior motive, I'm finally starting to feel like people just might actually like me. For me. A few weeks ago, before my most recent hospitalization, I ended up (drunkenly) spilling all my feelings to a friend, and of course started crying. When I said something along the lines of Oh no my makeup is running, he said "Who cares if your makeup runs? You'll still be beautiful." I haven't felt so touched in...ever? He is such an amazing person and I often question why I am so fortunate to know him. My mom always says God works in mysterious ways. Fact is, before any diagnoses or hospitalizations, all my friends were terrible, backstabbers, dramatic bitches, etc. And now all of my closest friends are people I have met through NAMI. I wouldn't know these amazing people if life hadn't put me through the ringer. Through the bad comes some level of good, right?
Lastly, I have to say how unbelievably grateful I am for my mom. Never once have I questioned her love for me, and every day she gives me another reason to thank God I got so lucky. I am very fortunate to have someone whose love is equal to that of 2 parents.
So there's my gratitude for the moment. I only hope life will be kind to these people. We've all been through enough...
God bless and good night.
Lastly, I have to say how unbelievably grateful I am for my mom. Never once have I questioned her love for me, and every day she gives me another reason to thank God I got so lucky. I am very fortunate to have someone whose love is equal to that of 2 parents.
So there's my gratitude for the moment. I only hope life will be kind to these people. We've all been through enough...
God bless and good night.
Circles
Life is just spinning. Too fast. Thoughts are racing. Can't focus on skills. I wanna get off this ride please.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Analogies and eye rolls
Wishes don't come true. Miracles don't happen. I found myself wishing for my life to be the way it was. But you know what? I actually wish it was some kind of fantasy world where my whole family loved and supported me, a life where I HADN'T been abused since the age of 5, a life where people believed in me, or just plain believed me. My life wasn't that way, so what is this false reality floating through my head? "It does not do to dwell on dreams...and forget to live."
I've come to the healthy mental position where I know suicide is not an option. That doesn't mean I like the life I'm living. Go ahead, roll your eyes. If you knew half of what I've been through...and again, roll your eyes, because all the world knows is that my life has been rainbows and cotton candy and I'm just a selfish narcissist for whom nothing is good enough. Being physically and mentally tortured most of my life took its toll, and holding on to those secrets for 20 years broke me. It's like a broken vase. You can glue the pieces together, but you can still see the cracks and poorly done glue job, plus missing spots where pieces were lost in the wreckage. It will never be whole again. All you can hope for is that, from far away, people won't notice the missing pieces, or the cracks and the crappy glue job done to mask what really happened.
Back on mood stabilizers now...hopefully they will make me an unfeeling zombie, where the world is so blurry that even up close I can't see the cracks or trauma of a broken girl. I'd rather feel nothing than feel this emptiness, these feelings of being unwanted, unloved, and a burden and nuisance to those who matter most to me. Ignorance is bliss, I hear.
I've come to the healthy mental position where I know suicide is not an option. That doesn't mean I like the life I'm living. Go ahead, roll your eyes. If you knew half of what I've been through...and again, roll your eyes, because all the world knows is that my life has been rainbows and cotton candy and I'm just a selfish narcissist for whom nothing is good enough. Being physically and mentally tortured most of my life took its toll, and holding on to those secrets for 20 years broke me. It's like a broken vase. You can glue the pieces together, but you can still see the cracks and poorly done glue job, plus missing spots where pieces were lost in the wreckage. It will never be whole again. All you can hope for is that, from far away, people won't notice the missing pieces, or the cracks and the crappy glue job done to mask what really happened.
Back on mood stabilizers now...hopefully they will make me an unfeeling zombie, where the world is so blurry that even up close I can't see the cracks or trauma of a broken girl. I'd rather feel nothing than feel this emptiness, these feelings of being unwanted, unloved, and a burden and nuisance to those who matter most to me. Ignorance is bliss, I hear.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Thursday, March 8, 2012
A blurby, unstructured blog of struggles.
Where to FUCKING begin? I guess I'll start with explaining that I am struggling with an IMMENSE amount of anxiety right now. Not even my parents would notice it, I'm sure, whatwith my nonchalant attitude and sarcastic remarks. As I said in NAMI tonight, my brain is stuck in the future. I'm faced with what I want to do with my life, yet again. My two desires are makeup artistry, and moreso, acting. There's no money in either industry. They say, do what you love. I love acting, but I have no time to get back into it, between work and my treatments. Other than my retail crapjob, no one's really hiring professional makeup artists.
I feel like I've been lying to myself. At least for a week or so. Telling myself and others how great I'm doing, trying to convince myself I've been doing so well. But how can that be when I cry every night and deal with suicidal ideations all day? I know I'm at least strong enough not to act on the ideas, but I shouldn't have to deal with thinking "Hmm I wish a car would hit me." I looked myself in the mirror before I got into bed and couldn't stop thinking how much I hate myself. I'm going to look disgusting at Jim and Vicky's wedding and I'll probably be the worst bridesmaid ever, no matter how hard I'm trying. I can't get over the fact that I still have no friends. I'm a mess right now. I just feel hopeless, like there's so much on my plate that I just want to chuck the whole thing against a wall. That's an analogy for giving up. If there is a god, why would he make mental illness? Was he drunk when he decided "Oh this bitch should just kill herself and rot in hell." I can't handle shit and I'm rapidly moving towards an anxiety attack, or worse. I took extra valium, klonopin, and atarax tonight. I hope it helps me sleep with none of the fucked up dreams I've been having lately. Thank god I see the psychiatrist and my therapist tomorrow. I don't want to go back to work on Sunday. Fuck this life, why was I given this life?? Why put myself and my family through this pain and frustration?? I hate this.
I feel like I've been lying to myself. At least for a week or so. Telling myself and others how great I'm doing, trying to convince myself I've been doing so well. But how can that be when I cry every night and deal with suicidal ideations all day? I know I'm at least strong enough not to act on the ideas, but I shouldn't have to deal with thinking "Hmm I wish a car would hit me." I looked myself in the mirror before I got into bed and couldn't stop thinking how much I hate myself. I'm going to look disgusting at Jim and Vicky's wedding and I'll probably be the worst bridesmaid ever, no matter how hard I'm trying. I can't get over the fact that I still have no friends. I'm a mess right now. I just feel hopeless, like there's so much on my plate that I just want to chuck the whole thing against a wall. That's an analogy for giving up. If there is a god, why would he make mental illness? Was he drunk when he decided "Oh this bitch should just kill herself and rot in hell." I can't handle shit and I'm rapidly moving towards an anxiety attack, or worse. I took extra valium, klonopin, and atarax tonight. I hope it helps me sleep with none of the fucked up dreams I've been having lately. Thank god I see the psychiatrist and my therapist tomorrow. I don't want to go back to work on Sunday. Fuck this life, why was I given this life?? Why put myself and my family through this pain and frustration?? I hate this.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Quick Gratitude Entry
Quick cause I'm tired. But I am so uber thankful for my mom, Vicky, and Jim. I don't know what I would do without the 3 of them. If you guys happen to read this, thank you so much for not only putting up with my insane shenanigans and bitchy mood swings, but continuing to be so amazingly supportive of me, shens and all. Love you all. ♥
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