I've been reading Jena's book Hollow all week, and I keep getting insight to my own...issues...as I read. I read a part today that helped me to clarify what I [think] I was trying to get across last blog, and it also fits with that post's title, so I'm PRETTY sure that this could be the key.
"And why is normal such a bad word? What does looking normal mean?"
"It means no one will know anything is wrong with me."
(pg. 186)
Is that it? Is that the key to why I'm staying sick? Is it because I WANT to, or I want people's pity?
Epiphany. Maybe I want people to know that something's wrong with me...because if they don't, then how will they help me when hell breaks loose? If they don't, then how could they respond when I go nuts?
I really don't think it's because I want attention. I guess I want...predictability? I have an issue with future predicting/catastrophizing, maybe this little bit of control makes me think that I will have someone, no matter what situation I'm in, who can take care of me?
This just popped into my head, I guess I'll have to do some thinking about it. And soon, because I'm sure I'll be grilled on it at my session on Monday. Hmm.
And now, a question. I understand how to accept the past, because it's over and done with and it's not changing. How do you accept the present? This isn't even future predicting... Basically, a very dear friend of mine from TK is drinking herself to death. She has no way out. Her liver is failing; her stomach is distended to the size of a 3rd trimester pregnant woman. Her symptoms exactly mirror my Aunt Noreen's before she died. I don't even have time/money to visit her. I can't just sit back and watch her disease kill her. What do I doooooo :(
First off I would just like to say that I totally understand the whole bit of wanting ppl to know you are not okay. For me It helps ppl to know so that I don't have to put up a big front because honestly that's exhausting. Two, people wont expect me to be perfect and that takes a little pressure off. and three it helps me to feel as if I'm not alone. Like if ppl know I'm not okay, I will have people to be there for me.
ReplyDeleteSecond, about the friend. I honestly have no idea what you can do. I have a very dear friend of mine who is killing herself slowly with her eating disorder. It literally breaks my heart and I have no idea what I can do. All I know to do is pray and so that's what I do. Whether or not that will do anything I'm unsure I try to have faith that God will work a miracle but honestly that's kinda hard to really believe. Anyways I understand and I'm so sorry that you are going through this as well. :(