I'm not sure how my title fits, but it's from my favorite song in Wicked so deal with it.
((Side note because this just happened: MY COMPUTER IS LITERALLY FALLING APART. HOLY FUCK.))
Okay, back to business. Doing nothing all day gives me a lot, a LOT, of time to think. Facebook is great to keep up with all my TK friends; it also shows me how we are ALL struggling, all at the same time. It's really hard to see, honestly my heart breaks every day after reading about someone else ending up in the hospital, someone self-harming, someone in intense emotional pain who has no one outside of TK to confide in or find relief from. It makes my situation seem much more...ideal? That if I have to suffer, it's not so bad that I do because I have an awesome support system, an awesome therapist, and awesome friends in recovery all over Chicago (and the world, I suppose). I'm not writing this with the intention of comparing myself to anyone. I guess I just know how people feel, having no one to understand their pain, because that's how my life was before treatment. I had no one and my life was just a giant downward spiral going express to hell. I know how that is, I've BEEN there. So it hurts me so much to see these people whom I genuinely love in that same situation. It hurts even more that there's nothing I can do about it. I do the best I can, I lend support, I listen, I skype at all hours of the night, but I know, again from experience, that there's only so much that just talking can do. It's not so bad for my friends here in Chicago, I can at least offer to see them or take them out or just distract them. My heart HURTS.
So, on to my point for even starting this post. I'm wondering how much I'm actually "suffering," and how much I just feel like I am because everyone I know is suffering. My life, externally, is pretty fucking awesome right now (minus the living situation)...I have a job that I'm awesome at, even if I dislike myself for doing what I do, I have so many friends, so much support, my mom is awesome, Jim and Vicky are awesome, and I'm in fucking California right now. I use the word "awesome" waaaay too much. Anyway. I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around this...do I need to differentiate between what I'm really feeling and what I think I'm feeling, or think I SHOULD be feeling? Or is my situation completely valid and legit and I should stop questioning myself? I know the answer to that...I'm not coming across clear enough, agh.
Come on brain, get with it. This probably also won't be exactly what I want to say, but...am I thinking that I'm sick because I think I SHOULD be sick, given what everyone around me is going through? That's closer to what I mean. I think. I DON'T KNOW! :( Maybe I think it's unacceptable to enjoy life when all my friends are unhappy? No, I don't think that. Do I? Fuck me. What the fuck is going on. Usually writing my confusing thoughts down helps me clarify them, but this just has me even more confused. And now I'm frustrated because I still don't know what's going on and I feel like I just wasted your time and mine by writing this. I'm sorry you read it, whoever you are. This is the end of my post.
Hey don't beat yourself up about not knowing how you feel. There are times in life when your head is so bogged down with so many things it's hard to defuse your thoughts. It can get pretty fuzzy up there in the brain but, with time the thoughts will eventually find their place. I suggest doing more journaling about all these feelings then write more on each feeling in paticular. I feel like this will help you see all your thoughts on paper in great detail and help you defuse them and clarify what you are really feeling. I wish you the best of luck dear! Stay strong Love you!
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